The Same Five People Are Online

I just checked Facebook again.  I go on and off it obsessively whenever I’m online to see if anyone interesting is on.  Then I can gently remind them to read my blog or find out how their father-in-law is doing since the bypass surgery.  The vast majority of visits there yield the same results;  the same 5 people are on Facebook, nearly every hour of the day.  If I had a bout of insomnia and logged on at 3 AM, I’m pretty sure they’d be on there then too.

In no particular order, here they are.  Feel free to compare them to your five! :

From what I hear, this guy is actually worth millions.  There was no shortage of high school yearbook pics of him online, so I nabbed one to use here. (image from dailykos.com)

The Really Boring Guy - This poor sad sack has less than nothing going on.  He has nothing to show on his wall, nothing to report in his status updates and has a picture of himself in high school in his profile, so you can’t even see what he looks like now, all these years later.  It’s hard to imagine how his life could be any emptier, unless he lost his computer and internet connection, in which case he might well turn to dust.

I cain’t stand here wavin’! I got me crops to rotate and magic goats to herd. Y’all come back now, hear? (Image from freebiefarmer.com)

The virtual farmer/game player - Spelling “xphrtty” or “cat” in Words With Friends or looking for unicorn eggs and magic beans is apparently full time work.  While it might be advisable for most of us to spend our time working at meaningful, possibly profitable vocations, these folks somehow get through life toiling in the fields of make-believe alfalfa, fighting Mafia wars and spelling words they don’t actually know.

I can click these simple buttons and change the world, then I can go find recipes on Foodnetwork.com. In the meantime, I can post pictures and then try to get more people to like my cause. (Image from spiritofspider.com)

The Slack-tivist - They stay online and on Facebook for as many hours as possible, rounding up everyone they’ve ever met to sign online petitions for some cause which they know in their hearts is the single most important endeavor in their lives.  I know I’m cynical, but it seems crazy to me.  They work tirelessly trying to get people to “like” a post which points out the glaring need for prosthetic limbs for the feral cats of the Sudan, who’ve been brutally maimed by warlords and landmines.  As long as we’re on the subject, does anyone know exactly how many “likes” it takes to pay for a new rear-wheel for a tabby?

Status: In a relationship – With the most versatile, incredible kitchen-breakthrough since the toaster-oven! (image from pitchmentv.com)

The Salesman - Constantly hyping whatever it is they sell.  One has to appreciate entreprenurial enthusiasm, but does it belong on a social networking site dedicated to father-in-law bypass updates and pictures of vacations I’m not on?  Savvy sales-pro’s that they are, they’ll work the product into all heir family photos and be sure to travel to conventions thinly disguised as vacations.  C’mon!  No one goes to Sheboygan on vacation and just happens to get a plaque for top performer in the Midwest Territory while there!

“Check it out! There’s organic corn in my chakra! I feel so empowered!” (image from canofwhuppass.typepad.com)

The New-Age Egomaniac Life Sharer -  This person must constantly keep everyone updated on every BM in their incredibly exciting, richly textured life.  In the event that they don’t have something actually going on, they’ll post blurbs to the effect that they’re “finding my center-in-the-path-of-self-awareness”.  They’re so in touch with their newly found spirituality, they just need to tell the world.  If their life is so rich with self-fullfillment, what the hell are they doing on Facebook 24 hours a day ?

Fortunately for me, these five people are so busy doing whatever it is they do on Facebook, that they don’t have the time to whine about that pain-in-the-ass guy who’s always on there trying to find people to read his blog.  Actually, they’ve probably blocked my blog updates from cluttering up their screens.  I know I should do the same thing to them, but then I’d have to find something else to write about.

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63 responses

    • I was deeply distrubed to realize that I was actually partly described in all of the 5 except the game player…I was going to discuss that, but then figured someone would notice it and point it out to me. At least I’m in the company of the great Victor Tookes!

  1. I’m not yet fully self-empowered on FB but I think you are right on. And don’t forget the person who monitors and constantly reminds you of incremental changes in their kids/grandkids/dogs/cats activities/growth/behavior/poop habits.

  2. Either we have the same 5 friends or these people are breeding at a rapid rate. I seem to have 3 or 4 people who are constantly trying to get attention. They leave those open statuses like “wish things were different” or “hope the doctor gives me good news.” You don’t even understand what it takes for me NOT to bite.

  3. As I’m not on Facebook, I’ll have to take your word for it. But I believe it. I am on Twitter, and for the most part, it’s much the same. But there are some fun folks out there who are fun to communicate with. How they manage to keep coming up with interesting tweets is beyond me, but I’m grateful for them, because many of my tweets are stinkers.

    Off the topic, but I’m delighted to see you put an image of Willy Wonka in your post. It just so happens that my Monday post incorporates that movie. Great minds, great minds…

  4. And just think, in the old days, pre-Facebook, these people would just be living in a basement with 50 cats and no one would even know about it. But with the internet, now everyone can have their 15 minutes of so-called ‘fame’. Granted I’m using the term fame loosely to describe things like showing photos of what they ate for breakfast or their adorable sleeping cat.

  5. - The inspirational quotes person, ‘A true friend is one who will light a candle to your heart when everyone else has turned the lights out on your dreams’ (What?!).

    - The I-go-to-better-places-than-you person, ‘Jim has just checked in to Millionnaire’s Champagne party at the Riviera Yacht club’.

    - The one’s whose lives are over ‘Why does everything terrible always happen to me?’, leading to the inevitable responses ‘What’s up hun? I’m here for you’.

    - The person who thinks we have nothing better to do than spend hours watching all the YouTube videos they post every 5 minutes or the 567 new photos they have just uploaded.

    - The ones who want to make you feel guilty about everything you do or don’t do ‘There are terrible things going on in the world and if you cared at all about any of them you would repost this as your status, I know most of you won’t bother’.

  6. Touche man! Might I add one to the list?
    The anti-snopes guy: The guy who forwards stuff like ” Here’s why you should not drink cold water right after a meal” and “a single like on this pic could go a long way to cure his cancer” without ever checking facts. It’s a disease!

  7. How about the blog salesman? Ouch! I’m conflicted about this. Once every 4 months or so I “share” a post with my legions of Facebook fans (a legion being 1) so my real-life friends can ignore it and never, ever say anything about this (now) important facet of who I am. Awkward.

    • In the spirit of full disclosure, I fit in most of the categories myself, except the new age spiritualist. I post a link to EVERY SINGLE blog post. Talk about shameless self-promotion. Of course what I’m selling is free, so I’m not sure if it counts as selling…

  8. I’m in the clear. I’m not one of the five. Which is kind of a bummer as I’ve always wanted to be in the top ten of something. But then maybe I’m number six and now I’ll never know. So…another thing I don’t know. The numbers are soaring. :)

  9. Very accurate sir. I don’t know which guy I hate more, slack-tivist or boring guy. But if I really had to narrow it down, I would go with slack-tivist. Because really boring guy can be so boring, that he’s hilarious. He just doesn’t know it.

  10. I do fit into the “boring guy” (uploaded just one picture of myself) and salesman (post about half of my posts to FB). But I also fit into the “compulsive commenter” profile which you should have covered. You probably know the type – they don’t post anything themselves but comment on other people statuses.

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