I just checked Facebook again. I go on and off it obsessively whenever I’m online to see if anyone interesting is on. Then I can gently remind them to read my blog or find out how their father-in-law is doing since the bypass surgery. The vast majority of visits there yield the same results; the same 5 people are on Facebook, nearly every hour of the day. If I had a bout of insomnia and logged on at 3 AM, I’m pretty sure they’d be on there then too.
In no particular order, here they are. Feel free to compare them to your five! :
The Really Boring Guy - This poor sad sack has less than nothing going on. He has nothing to show on his wall, nothing to report in his status updates and has a picture of himself in high school in his profile, so you can’t even see what he looks like now, all these years later. It’s hard to imagine how his life could be any emptier, unless he lost his computer and internet connection, in which case he might well turn to dust.
The virtual farmer/game player - Spelling “xphrtty” or “cat” in Words With Friends or looking for unicorn eggs and magic beans is apparently full time work. While it might be advisable for most of us to spend our time working at meaningful, possibly profitable vocations, these folks somehow get through life toiling in the fields of make-believe alfalfa, fighting Mafia wars and spelling words they don’t actually know.
The Slack-tivist - They stay online and on Facebook for as many hours as possible, rounding up everyone they’ve ever met to sign online petitions for some cause which they know in their hearts is the single most important endeavor in their lives. I know I’m cynical, but it seems crazy to me. They work tirelessly trying to get people to “like” a post which points out the glaring need for prosthetic limbs for the feral cats of the Sudan, who’ve been brutally maimed by warlords and landmines. As long as we’re on the subject, does anyone know exactly how many “likes” it takes to pay for a new rear-wheel for a tabby?
The Salesman - Constantly hyping whatever it is they sell. One has to appreciate entreprenurial enthusiasm, but does it belong on a social networking site dedicated to father-in-law bypass updates and pictures of vacations I’m not on? Savvy sales-pro’s that they are, they’ll work the product into all heir family photos and be sure to travel to conventions thinly disguised as vacations. C’mon! No one goes to Sheboygan on vacation and just happens to get a plaque for top performer in the Midwest Territory while there!
The New-Age Egomaniac Life Sharer - This person must constantly keep everyone updated on every BM in their incredibly exciting, richly textured life. In the event that they don’t have something actually going on, they’ll post blurbs to the effect that they’re “finding my center-in-the-path-of-self-awareness”. They’re so in touch with their newly found spirituality, they just need to tell the world. If their life is so rich with self-fullfillment, what the hell are they doing on Facebook 24 hours a day ?
Fortunately for me, these five people are so busy doing whatever it is they do on Facebook, that they don’t have the time to whine about that pain-in-the-ass guy who’s always on there trying to find people to read his blog. Actually, they’ve probably blocked my blog updates from cluttering up their screens. I know I should do the same thing to them, but then I’d have to find something else to write about.