Lemme Tell Ya How To Spend That Money

I’m certainly not the first person to shake my head in amazement at hair-brained scientific studies which waste crazy amounts of government money finding out that donuts make us fat or that, on average, dogs like to turn around 2.7 revolutions before lying down.  Though I admit to wondering whether dogs south of the equator turn counter-clockwise like the whole water-down-the-drain thing.

It’s understandable that we have issues with public monies in the form of grants and such getting used for frivolous studies when there are tens of thousands of us who could have used that money to get iPhones and European sedans.

Let’s not waste any more time pissing and moaning about stupid “scientific” misuses of tax payor dollars.  I’d rather focus on the wasting of other dollars.  Money which I never really had any claim to in the first place; funds raised by foundations and groups for the pursuit of one holy grail or another.

I read about the most recent expedition of teams of scientists flying to the furthest reaches of the South Pacific trying to find Amelia Earhart’s crash site.  When and if someone finds it, everyone will be like “Oh! Thank Goodness!  Now we know conclusively that her plane went down and she died”  Does anyone really doubt that happened?  Does it matter to anyone whether she was killed in a crash?  Is there really any chance that she survived and lived off of poi and roasted sea gull until being rescued by local fishermen, who sold her into the lucrative white slave markets of Tonga?

What about the romance angle?  Earhart was flying with navigator Fred Noonan.  They left Papua New Guinea on July 2, 1937 and were never seen again.  Isn’t it possible that the two of them just wanted to get away from it all and build a happy love nest on some small atoll?  How has no one ever pursued that angle?

Okay, so we know she got in the plane, here’s a photo. We know she was over a desolate part of the world with few islands and mostly vast expanses of open water. We know she disappeared. Hmmm…what could have happened? It’s a mystery I tell ya! (image from scholastic.com)

The big appeal of the Earhart disappearance is that no one knows for certain, and these people really want to know, definitively, what happened.  I can understand the itch of not knowing and needing to to know something.  Still, there are plenty of other mysteries which we don’t have an answer to, but have generated a fraction of the funds toward solving.

I’d like to propose that they spend less of that private money on finding Amelia Earhart and more of it on finding Big Foot.  We already have plenty of evidence that Amelia existed, and have lots of facts about her exploits, except the very last thing she did.  Bigfoot, on the other hand, has been much more elusive.

There have been reports of Bigfoot’s existence for a great many years in cultures around the world.  He’s known by different names in different parts of the world, including Sasquatch, Yeti and Shaq.  This creature has lived in our world for thousands of years, and yet we have no evidence of him.  No fur, no definite tracks, no bones or remains, not even a single turd.

I showed this pic to a few ladies I know, and the consensus is that this female Sasquatch might have had a little work done. Just too perky for a mature Bigfoot female in their collective opinion. I’m more curious why she decided to have her picture taken in front of a backdrop of fake woods when she lives in a real forest. (Image from bigfootevidence.blogspot.com)

Let’s let those facts sink in for a moment shall we?  There is no trace of Bigfoot really.  These giant creatures have lived in the wilderness for all these centuries and have managed to pick up after themselves and refrain from carving their initials in a single sequoia.  They’ve been so fastidious about not leaving a mess behind that some folks point to the lack of a physical evidence and question whether Bigfoot even exists.

We humans, on the other hand, can’t even make ourselves a cup of coffee and have a morning sit-down without leaving carbon footprints which are visible from outer space.  Considering the wreckless pace at which we’re driving the planet toward becoming a globally-warmed, trash-island-having, toxic waste site, we need to find Bigfoot and soon.  Without his secrets for clean living, we’re doomed.

As long as we’re on the subject, in thousands of years, the Loch Ness Monster has polluted less water than the average 30 minute jet-ski rental.  This is likely due to the fact that, unlike Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster doesn’t actually exist.  I mean come on, people, you can’t really believe that nonsense, right?

53 responses

  1. We have a lake monster near to where we live. Years ago, the cottage people who live around the lake used to hold a “Monster Mash” party, invite all the kids and scare the crap out of them around a big campfire. Those days are over…no more kids around. The fault of the lake monster? We just don’t know.

    Some of us are thinking about submitting a grant for government funding.

    PS — I’m not lazy. ;)

  2. Bigfoot has not left the building. Here with me. In my flat. Runs around all night with kitty litter on the bottom of extra big feet…spreading granules and grit on floors and rugs. Sheds hair on furniture. Damn tired of the clean-up. At wit’s end.
    Bigfoot lives.
    Yours for the getting.
    Please…

  3. I bet Bigfoot and the Loch Ness can both be found living somewhere in the Maine woods. Hell, maybe even Amelia went off course and ended up here. My dad used to say Jimmy Hoffa retired here and worked in the hunting department at L.L. Bean’s.
    Maine–a great place to get lost and stay lost.

  4. Now I’m scratching my head, if I could only think of the next hair brained idea, then could raise enough money and buy the island next to Amelia’s. I went to see Lewis Black this weekend. What wonderful glorious rage he has and he had the guts to tell an entirely Washington DC audience that both political parties SUCKED.

  5. There is a really good reason to choose to go on Amelia Earhart-finding expedition versus going on a Bigfoot chase: when you look for Bigfoot, you’d have to go into cold and damp mosquito-infested wilderness in the middle of nowhere. But when you are looking for Earhart’s crash site, you’ll be visiting at least a few exotic tropical islands in the Pacific.

    • that point actually crossed my mind, but then I thought of the descriptions of the equatorial pacific in a book I once read called “The Sex Lives of Cannibals”. I highly recommend the book, though it may shatter some delusions you may have about being the next Paul Gaughin.

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