Let’s Talk Tinkle!

I shouldn’t have to tell you folks that trying to get pee pee from a Bronco can be tricky. Don’t believe me? Just ask my my buddy, Cal “Flathead” Rodgers, here. (Image from Deborahhalverson.com)

The Denver Broncos are going to be without star linebacker D.J. Williams for an additional three games.  The three extra games of suspension are being tacked on to the original six games which were imposed due to his violating the league’s substance abuse rules.

This story in and of itself is not such a big thing.  Professional athletes and even regular folk occasionally do ill-advised things.  When caught, they have to pay some sort of penalty.  Driving while under the influence, which is what got Williams into trouble in the first place, certainly falls under that category.  Driving under the influence is irresponsible and dangerous.  It should not be seen as acceptable behavior under any circumstance.

OK – enough of the public service announcement, let’s get to the fun part.

Williams’ trouble with the league is for failing a urine test.  The failure of the test was not due to their finding traces of banned substances in the urine.  As far as I could determine in my 13 minutes of online research, the urine was as clean as a whistle.

While the urine was free of any traces of banned substances, it still sent up a red challenge flag.  It turns out the urine was from the wrong species.  Williams is in trouble for submitting a “non-human urine sample”.  I find this so funny, that I’m nearly peeing myself in laughter – How’s that for irony?

Dammit Paris! Your ugly lil dog peed on the floor again! At this rate, we never gonna get that jar filled! (Image from goodhousekeeping.com)

Apparently, despite graduating from the University of Miami and being a grown-assed man, Mr. Williams didn’t think it through.  Clearly, he didn’t realize that in addition to testing for traces of illegal drugs, the screen might also be looking for markers which could determine that the tinkle in question came from a cooperative Rottweiler and not from a star linebacker.  One good bit of news was that the league informed Williams that he does not show any signs of heart-worm or Parvo virus.

I’m taking the liberty of guessing that the pee came from a large breed dog for several reasons.  Pro football players aren’t known for having Tea-Cup Yorkies around the house – unless they’re dating Paris Hilton and she’s got a few in her bag*.  In addition, I’m not sure one of those miniature breeds could produce enough wee wee to fill the specimen jar, unless you really scared them.  Cats are also out of the picture, assuming the guy doesn’t have a snow leopard he bought from a couple of magicians outside Vegas at their exotic animal clearance sale.

While linebackers aren’t necessarily known for their intellect, you’d think that their multi-millionaire agents would have the wits about them to advise against using critter pee.  Any agent will tell you the only good use for that suff is putting the coyote whiz around the country estate to keep deer out of the pinot noir trellises.

It’s also unfortunate that Mr. Williams was unable to forge the celebrity connections to link up with rapper R. Kelly, who might have been able to suggest other options.  It really makes you wonder.  I mean, what’s the point of being rich and famous if you don’t get to network when it really counts?

All this speculation is too little-too late to be of any assistance to D.J. Williams.  The damage is done.  Hopefully, he will move forward and be able to resume his playing career once he’s served his suspension.  I’m sure that opposing players and fans will not consider what he must have looked like as he chased his Rotty around the yard with a jar in his hand.  I’m confident the dog has already forgotten about the whole incident by now.  Dogs, unlike many fans of rival AFC West teams, can have very short memories.

* This broad-brushed, stereotypical view of professional football players is not meant to include quarterbacks or punters, who may well own small-breed dogs and even Persian cats. 

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29 responses

  1. This made me laugh, especially the use of the terms “graduate” and “grown assed man” to describe someone who substitues animal urine in a drug test, as well as the revelation that he tested negative for parvo and heartworm. And the disclaimer at the end – hell, it all made me laugh.

  2. Pingback: Three Heads Are Better Than One | 1pointperspective

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