The upcoming season of TLC’s ”My Strange Addiction” will be featuring a husband and wife who are addicted to coffee enemas. The couple each average four of the 32 ounce enemas every day. Personally, I limit my daily coffee intake to one 20 ounce cup, and to date, I have never poured it up my butt, not even by accident.
To answer your logical question as to whether Mr. and Mrs. Coffee are located in Florida or California, it’s Florida. If these Arabica-enema junkies strike you as especially odd, the show will also be profiling a woman who enjoys eating her cat’s hair. While the micro-fiber sofa usually has a good snack-sized supply of Mr. Whiskers’ sheddings, she prefers licking it directly off of his disgusting pelt. In the event that this lady ever teams up with the one from “Hoarders” who has 37 cats, they might form a sort of Jack Sprat-style alliance.
The coffee enema woman declined to give her last name but had no problem showing the cameras her face and discrete self-applications of back-door caffeine. She reported killing time during enemas by doing sudoko puzzles and catching up on Tweets. Inquiring minds need to know if she is only reading the Tweets or if she’s espresso-ing herself.
As both a huge fan of coffee and a world-class avoider of enemas, I’m troubled by the java smuggler story. I’m more than a little concerned that my personal love of a good cup of joe might now be misinterpreted by others. A case in point; I was just over at the local doughnut joint asking the man in the turban for a caramel latte and an extra large black coffee to go. He made a face which may have been due to my limited mastery of the Hindi-Urdu dialect, or it could have been something else. Was it possible that he’d presumed I had some dark purpose in mind for these two hot beverages? I left the store, making a show out of taking a big sip out of the scalding extra large.
“Mmm-mmm! That’s good coffee!” I called out to no one in particular.
Still, I sensed that there may have been a few people there who didn’t fully believe me.
With no place left to turn, I came to you, my loyal readers to purge my soul, if not my colon, with my thoughts on the world being Chock Full o’ Nuts. It’s a sad day when one dopey TV show taints the identity of us coffee lovers.
- This disturbing practice gives the phrase “Something’s brewing” a whole new meaning.
- It’s just one more thing to make tea drinkers feel superior.
- Those people put the “uck!” in Starbucks.
- There’s no truth to the rumor that they’re considering changing the slogan to “Good to the last plop“
- Care for a cup of demi-ass?
- Constipation may require a French Press
- Leaving yourself without sufficient access to a toilet after your coffee enema could result in latte in your culottes - also known as cu-lattes
- This could also lead to cappucino in your chinos
- Aficionados are known to spend a few bucks extra for Jamaican Poo Mountain coffee
- “That’s funny! Jim NEVER has a second cup of coffee at home – I wonder if it’s because I use my lower G.I. system as a decanter“
I could go on and on, but I’ve got to get cracking on my post about the cat-lady with the eating disorder. It’s only a matter of time before she hacks up a hairball and then everybody will be writing about it.
Please enjoy the oh-so-topical video clip I’ve entered from Youtube below. It’s my very first attempt at a video link – let’s hope it works as effectively as a quart of decaf going the wrong way up the exit ramp.