Hey! It’s Me – Up Here On The Balcony!

I want to apologize to all of my loyal readers, contest entrants and other lemmings.  I’ve been having a tough time getting things done over the past couple of days.  It’s all because I’ve been swamped in acting-papal duties ever since Benedict wussed out and quit.

That's me up on the balcony.  You can't beleive the amount of pigeon crap up here.  (Image from wikimedia dot com)

That’s me up on the balcony. You can’t believe the amount of pigeon crap up here. (Image from wikimedia dot com)

Every time I sit down to try to get some work done, the Pope-Phone rings.  It’s always one cardinal or another whining with some pressing question about switching to gluten-free communion wafers or fixing typos in the New Testament – turns out there are some ancient language experts are saying that “…thy neighbor’s wife” is a poor translation and was supposed to be “…little boys”.

The whole red shoe deal has presented a fiasco all its own.  We decided to throw Gucci a bone and give Prada a downgrade to second string.  Then Gucci found out that I take a mens size 15 and they got – wait for it – cold feet.  For you international readers, American mens size 15 shoes translate to a European size 273.5 – give or take.  In the meantime, I’ve got an old pair of red Chuck Taylor high tops which will have to do.

Careful followers of current events will point out that Benedict only stepped down officially a day or so ago.  The truth of the matter is that once he filed his papers, he’s been a lame duck Pope.  Rumor has it, the last few days Benny only came to the office to pilfer paper clips and boxes of sacrimental wine.  He’s just going through the motions – you can see the lack of “snap” in his blessings.

Ever since they found out about the retirement, the college of cardinals have pretty much ignored him in the cafeteria.  They’ve all been busy jockeying for position.  There have been several incidents of those guys getting caught trying on the pointy hat and checking out the view from the throne seat in the back of the Pope Mobile.  I myself have never been in it, but I was amazed to hear that they don’t have an E-Z Pass in there!  The ashtray must be full of quarters – those robes have almost no pockets.

This is the Pope Mobile from Mercedes.  There was big pressure to use Fiat or Lamboghini, but hey, he's a Pope, not a contortionist, am I right?  (Image from telegraph dot co dot uk)

This is the Pope Mobile from Mercedes. There was big pressure to use Fiat or Lamborghini, but hey, he’s a Pope, not a contortionist, am I right? (Image from telegraph dot co dot uk)

The whole gang will get together and try to come up with a new guy, but in the meantime, they’ve tagged yours truly as temporary Pope.  Other than the shoes – if that ever gets resolved – it’s going to be a rather thankless job.  I won’t show up in the history books or get credit for any of my edicts.  In fact, the official Vatican spokesperson won’t even acknowledge my existance.

Regardless, I’ll be glad when I see that puff of white smoke, so I can get back to writing blog posts and watching “The Borgias” on cable.

19 responses

  1. Those who do the most important work most often do so without acknowledgement.Thank you for your service.

    I’m going to spend the rest of my day trying to say “pilfered Papal paper clips” ten times fast.

    • How the hell did I miss that alliteration opportunity??! I’ll tell you how; I was too busy trying to find out who’s been skimming out of the collection plate at St. Aloysius in Cincinnati lately. This damn phone never stops ringing.

  2. Dave, I must warn you that you may be a victim of an elaborate scam. I can see you on a balcony at the picture, but that’s not Vatican! The building looks right, but there are no mountains like that behind the basilica in Rome. They must have built an elaborate replica somewhere else just to defraud you, and got Pope Benedict to get in on the scam.
    Tell me, did they ask you to pay a small “processing fee” of few hundred dollars, or asked you to provide your social security number, credit card and back information to do a “background check”?

    • That’s what I get for trusting my image sources from the world wide web! I was told that the college of cardinals was largely comprised of Nigerian royalty – they needed my help with some inheritance issues.

    • This is a perfect example of what I was arguing with my wife about the other day! I says to her, I says, “Honey! I’ll never rise above blog mediocrity if I don’t travel the globe! These people can see right through my pathetic attempts at being worldly!”

      She responded with some nonsense about paying college tuition for our daughter and saving for retirement. She can be such a downer sometimes.

  3. I am left with this one and only question in the aftermath of the Pope’s resignation: How can any human being get by with just one pair of shoes – red or otherwise?

    • A fair question. I had figured I would hang onto my Chuck Taylors, regardless.

      As for Benny, he didn’t do a lot of walking, and Guiseppe the chauffeur, tells me that the old guy would often slip out of the Prada kicks when sitting back in the throne of the Pope-Mobile.

      As for the Pope Mobile, I think it may be a generational thing, but whenever I see him back there, he kind of reminds my of Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies on the back of the truck. I’ve never mentioned it to Guiseppe, since that would technically make him Jethro Bodine.

    • So in the world of comments we’ve covered two important issues: The devil wears Prada and the angels want to wear my red shoes. These two statements strike me as contradictory and if I were even remotely religious, I’d be troubled. My lack of faith is actually a big hit with the Vatican and played heavily on them naming me the acting Pontif.

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