There’s a cool thing all over Facebook. The program asks you a bunch of questions about yourself, and in return tells you which character you’d be in “Game of Thrones”, or “Star Wars”, or “To Catch A Predator.” As if finding out which character you’d be in a make-believe TV show or movie isn’t enough fun, you can also choose to use your initials to find out what your dragon name would be, if you were, you know, a dragon.
Even though I’m almost positive that Facebook is selling my personality quiz answers to the marketing expert with the deepest pockets, I went ahead and took every one of these tests I could find, for the sake of my art (Plus, I didn’t have much else to write about since the polar vortex is pretty well spent as a subject). Here now, in no particular order, are the results:
Which “Star Wars” Character Are You?: You’re competitive and incredibly loyal. Your strong spiritual beliefs guide you through this land and will serve you well in faraway galaxies. You are Ghan-Ghan, R2-D2’s pet electric can opener from “Star Wars XVII – Escape From Popularity“
Which “Star Trek” Character Are You?: You are self-reliant and very independent. Ever an opportunist, you’re always on the look out for an advantage. You put no stock in organized religion or coed team sports. You are Phylleus, warrior of the Wo-Ran dynasty from “Star Trek – When Epics Fail; The Auroras Bore Me, Alice”. Your character can be seen for roughly 23 seconds in the 43rd minute of the movie.
Which “Disney” Character Are You?: You have an insatiable hunger for cheese. Your habit of scurrying along baseboards and wearing four-fingered white gloves does not go unnoticed. Those ears of yours are rather prominent. You are “Flounder” the blue and yellow fish who is any species other than flounder from The Little Mermaid. Click here for special values on great Disney products and promotions reserved for “Flounder” types like you!
Which “Game of Thrones” Character Are You?: Your trait of having never really paid attention to the names of characters is obvious from the answers to the personality test. There is a deep and complex story being told here – Game of Thrones is more than just topless medieval chicks and people beheaded with single swipes of broadswords. Your character is Paal-Gor from the Hidden Valley of Theon. If you want to see who he is, try watching an entire season and paying attention.
Which “The Big Bang Theory” Character Are You?: You are clearly not a genius, and as such you do not qualify to be one of the main characters. In addition, you are not an attractive female, so you cannot be Penny either. You are Zumwalt the kindhearted dishwasher at The Cheesecake Factory where Penny works. Zumwalt has no lines, but he scrubs a mean pot.
Which “Gilligan’s Island” Character Are You?: Your lack of responses to quiz questions 3, 7 and 14 – 22 eliminate you from consideration for any main role. You are Thurston Howell III’s croquet mallet.
What Is Your Dragon Name?: Your dragon name is Fiery Diarrhea. You fly through the barren mountain passes in the mythical land of Haben-Aero.
What Is Your Rap Name?: Your rap name is Scratchy Smooth. Your def lyrics are interspersed with the rhythmic scratching of your chronic eczema.
What Is Your California Prison ID Number?: Your number is 0098329904-K. You are currently incarcerated for insurance fraud. Your cellmate is in for assault, attempted murder and animal cruelty. You have no gang affiliations yet, and shower day is Tuesday. It is recommended that you start fashioning a shiv from an old toothbrush and learn to make wine in a stainless steel toilet.
What Career Should You Actually Have: According to our personality test, you should be the curb man on a trash truck in suburban Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Your ability to jump on and off slow moving vehicles and tolerate foul smells will serve you well. In addition, your embracing the idea of one man’s trash being another man’s treasure may result in an early retirement.
What Animal You Would Be If You Weren’t Already A Human Animal?: You personality test reveals that you would be an indecisive raccoon on the side of a busy interstate. You might not be one for long though. Looks like there’s a break in the traffic right here, you should go…Now!…No! Wait!…No No – Go! Oops.
Which “Sopranos” Character Are You?: The results show that you’re already in Jersey and a little overweight. You are Freddy “Pine Nuts” DiDomenico. You may or may not currently be in the witness relocation program, and we really can’t give any more details than that.
As we learned from my answers in the “Which ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ Character Are You?” quiz, I’m exceedingly generous. In that spirit, if you tell me one or two things about yourself in the comments section, I will tell you which character in my many blogs or in my personal life best matches your unique personality. If you give me no traits, I’ll just randomly assign one to you, and we’ll all have a hearty laugh at your expense.