Gaga-Boo Music

By now you may have heard about the Fox News anchor who used a racially derogatory word in her discussion of Lady Gaga’s performance at the Oscars.  The beauty-pageant winner turned newscaster said it was hard to really hear Gaga’s voice with all of the “jigaboo music” accompanying the singer.  I missed seeing the Academy Awards again this year.  I think my streak for skipping that show for 56 consecutive years is impressive, but I’m not here to grandstand.

She's a former beauty pageant winner, and he's a co-anchor.  Is it okay to call someone a co-anchor?

She did well in the swimsuit competition, but faltered during the talent portion, where she showed how limber she was by sticking both of her feet in her mouth. The co-anchor seems to already know he’ll soon have that desk all to himself.  Is it okay to call someone a co-anchor?  That’s not one of those slur-word things is it?

Since I didn’t see it, I guess there’s a slim possibility that Gaga’s back-up music was so raucous and bizarre that the standard English language was simply insufficient to adequately describe it.  If that was the case, the reporter had little choice but to resort to jerky hand gestures or funny sounding slang words like “razzamatazz” or “badonkey-tonk”.

It can be difficult to hear Gaga's beautiful voice, especially in this scene where she sang "..the hills are alive, with the sound of cherry bombs going off in my bra"

It can be difficult to hear Gaga’s beautiful voice, as in this scene where she sang “..the hills are alive, with the sound of cherry bombs going off in my bra”

When criticized for her use of the slur, the news anchor Tweeted her little heart out, spewing apologies and offering the explanation that she didn’t actually know what the word meant when she said it (twice, but who’s counting, right?).  The guy to her left seems to be a little more familiar with it.

In these N-word sensitive times, many white folk simply aren’t up to speed with the broad selection of racial epithets available out there to insult most any group.  In truth, there’s no shortage in colorful words and phrases with which to simultaneously flaunt both ones racist leanings and impressive vocabulary.  I’m not interested in helping popularize any of these lesser known terms and will keep them to myself, unless someone cuts me off in traffic.

As a lifelong speaker of English, I understand that we sometimes say things we don’t mean to.  I say the wrong thing fairly often, such as “Hell yes!” to the offer of yet another pint of beer when I meant “No thank you”.  The difference is that I know the meanings of the words, I just chose the wrong ones.

I know I should've said no, but it's a Goat Boy Imperial Weizenbock!  No one says no to another one of those.  Lookit that cute little goat boy!

No one says “No” to another Goat Boy Imperial Weizenbock, NO ONE !!

When I go to Starbucks, I order whichever coffee drink I’m interested in having, and specify whether I’d like a small, medium or large.  I do not order a yeti or a grande.  Though I’ve certainly been to enough Mexican restaurants to know that grande probably means large, I’m not positive, so I don’t use the word.  To further complicate things, Yeti is another name for Bigfoot, which has the word “big” right in it.  No wonder people are confused.  Besides, the whole thing smacks of pretentiousness, but that’s for another blog post.

My daughter recently brought these back from Seattle, home of Starbucks.  I think we can all make the Yeti/Mocha Latte connection now.

My daughter recently brought these back from Seattle, birthplace of Starbucks. I think we can all make the Grande-Yeti-Mocha Latte connection now.  For the record, Yeti turds have a sweet, nutty taste.

The real story is not that some perky newscaster used a racist term.  The big message is that this woman, who talks for a living, had no idea what she was saying!  Thousands of viewers tune in to find out what’s going on in their corner of the world and this is one of the people who tells them!?    She didn’t know what it meant, and said it anyway – at least that is what she Tweeted, but there’s a chance that she also types things she doesn’t know the meanings of.

No need to bother with a caption, the pic is self-explanatory.

No need to bother with a caption, the pic is self-explanatory.

It’s commendable that people turn on the news in the first place, considering the sensationally tragic nature of most news stories.  Even if some of them are only tuning in to find out who won the game or to ogle the weather girl, at least they’re taking some slight bit of interest in the world around them and not parking themselves in front of a “13 Wives and Counting” marathon on A & E.

Quiet kids, Daddy's watching the news!  (Image from the nayshun dot com)

Quiet kids, Daddy’s watching the news…and learning a little Spanish! (Image from the nayshun dot com)

This talking head has done little to restore peoples’ faith in the news media.  If only she’d stuck to the teleprompter.  In other news, Walter Cronkite is still spinning in his grave like a rotisserie chicken on a cordless drill.  When pressed for a comment, Chet Huntley and David Brinkley both stated they could do a better job handling broadcast news despite their mutual state of deadness.  Stay with us for continuing coverage, we’ll be back with weather and sports after these messages (Pull back to studio shot and cue the Starbucks commercial).


There’s An Ass On My Mind


It’s my turn in the barrel over at The Nudge Wink Report. My boss there is a broad who’s abroad, so I’ve thrown caution and good taste to the breaking winds. Feel free to buzz on over and take a gander at the latest exploits of a certain famous-assed person.

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

Three things happened recently:

1. My boss just picked up and jetted off to Italy or Borneo or someplace, so our vague standards for good taste and decorum here at the Nudge Wink Report went with her.  Luckily she was able to fit  our standards in her carry-on.

2. I got a new cell phone, which I occasionally use to actually make phone calls, but mostly play with.

3. I posted a story which was purported to be Bruce Jenner’s Bucket List.

These three events are actually related, as I scoured the internet with my phone to find photos of the soon to be Ms. Jenner and his/her wacky Kardashian clan. I also used the phone to have some cut and paste fun, which my antiquated laptop is unable to do.  My editor being in a far away land allows me free reign to post these Kimmy K butt…

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Top NSFW Searches – Valentine’s Edition

Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day quite like some unsolicited smut.  Don’t ask me how I managed to get this into a heart shaped box, but now that you’ve opened it…

If you haven't read my "47 Shades of Pink" then you just don't love me.  Illustration by the author

If you haven’t read my “47 Shades of Pink” then you just don’t love me. This drawing has no relevance to the topic, but gives me a reason to “Shades of” “pink” and “Barnyard” in my tags and draw even more pervs. Illustration by the author

Over the days leading up to Valentine’s Day, the search topic which has sent the most people to my blog is “detailed penis drawing“.  Apparently drawing hearts isn’t how everyone decorates their cards.  Either that, or they’re hell bent on rendering Cupid just right.  I’m fairly confident that those faceless web surfers out there have been disappointed by having their search land them smack dab ( umm okay – bad choice of analogies) in the middle of my award-winning blog post* which featured an interview with politician/e- exhibitionist Anthony Weiner’s weiner.

Classic dick drawings never go out of style.   (Illustration by the author - no, I'm not proud)

Classic dick drawings never go out of style. (Illustration by the author – no, I’m not proud)

It’s funny if you think about it.  I mean, the internet has no shortage, so to speak, of pictures of naughty bits.  If you want to see what a schwantz, some knockers, a va-jay-jay, or a booty looks like, you’re in the right place.  There are many folks who would testify that even if you don’t wish to see any such anatomy, the internet will be more than happy to show you anyway.

Someone who is actively searching for detailed drawings of a ding-a-ling is probably not expecting to find one with a jaunty cap, cigarette holder and an ascot.  A quick creative aside, I had considered drawing Anthony’s pecker wearing a “dickey” instead of an ascot, but as it happens dickey is funny to say but not all that amusing to look at.  Besides, an ascot gives an air haughty sophistication, and goes incredibly well with a tufted smoking jacket.

I’m not particularly choosey about who reads my blog, in fact, I don’t even care if readers speak English.  I get the occasional notifications of new followers and I’m happy to have each and every one of them.  That being said, I’d like to take a moment to welcome the latest ones, including pp-looker, durtydurtydude, mindifistare?, holdstillwhileIgetmysktechpadandcharcoal, and of course package-chekker34.

I’d write more, but I’ve got a card to make for my wife.

*In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m pretty sure that post didn’t win any awards, which was unfortunate, because I had one hell of an acceptance speech written.  I also had a snazzy smoking jacket picked out to wear the the ceremony!

Bruce Jenner’s Bucket List

I look for blog topics everywhere I go.  A case in point, while looking through a trash can near the Santa Monica pier for half eaten burritos and/or aluminum cans, a wadded up piece of paper from a yellow legal tablet caught my eye.

If you get a big enough bucket, you can fit quite a few things in it (and on it).  Officially the most fun I've had with my new smart phone. (Collage by the author)

If you get a big enough bucket, you can fit quite a few things in it (and on it). Officially the most fun I’ve had with my new smart phone. (Collage by the author)

I unwrinkled and smoothed it out as much as I could.  After reading it over a few times, I’m convinced that this random piece of trash may in fact be Bruce Jenner’s Bucket List.  Give it the once over and decide for yourself  (I took the liberty of adding a few pictures – the original only had some doodles of hearts, unicorns and Olympic rings in the margins).


1. Win Olympic Gold MedalDone 1976

2. Grace the cover of the Wheaties boxDone (Twice, but who’s counting?)

3. Get involved with a zany familyDone – Married Kris Kardashian 1991

4. Become a reality TV starDone – After various attempts, finally hit the big time with “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” in 2007

5. Give Kim all the relationship advice I canI’ve tried, Lord knows I’ve tried.  She’s Kanye’s problem now!

6. Get safely past the menopause years before changing my genderAs a 65 year old gal, I’ll avoid hot flashes and qualify for an AARP discount at The Fashion Hutt!  Since I technically still have my boy parts, I can’t cross this one off the list just yet!

These will be a big hit when I hit for the early bird special down at the clubhouse.  Black balls for formal occasion, high-optic green tennis balls after Labor Day! (Image from hollowtreeventures dot com)

These walker-heels will be a smash for the early-bird special down at the clubhouse. Remember Bruce, black balls for formal occasions and of course, no high-optic green tennis balls after Labor Day! (Image from hollowtreeventures dot com)

7. Become a woman just in time to take advantage of the Bea Arthur estate saleI haven’t seen any flyers posted down at the community center, I hope I didn’t miss it!

8. Find the most sure-fire way possible to get back on the front of the tabloidsDone!  Those rags are gobbling this story up! The only celebrities who have weirder stories than me are Michael Jackson and Elvis, and they’re both (supposedly) dead.

He ate fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches?!  Big Deal!! Try keeping a straight face while Khloe talks about the meaning of life! (Photo by the author while in the checkout line)

Elvis ate fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches?! Big Deal!! Try keeping a straight face while Khloe talks about the meaning of life! (Photo by the author while in the checkout line)

9. Piss off the Wheaties people by going both gluten free and penis freeAlmost done.  I assume I’m close to  achieving this, their people haven’t returned my people’s calls in a few years

10. Get on “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon”Done!

11. Get on “I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here!”Done!!

12. Get on “My Strange Addiction”They haven’t called yet, but I’m thinking they will

13. Talk to Kim about how to get some junk in my trunkMaybe when she’s done breaking the interweb and naming her kids after directions on a compass, she can give me some booty pointers

Septagenarians agree, that's not a bad rack for an old broad, but he needs more bootie if he's gonna be twerking  to Lawrence Welk's Greatest Hits

Octogenarians agree, that’s a decent rack for an old broad, but he needs more booty on the back porch if he’s considering twerking in the day room to Tommy James and the Shondels Greatest Hits (Image from splashnewsonline dot com)

14. Play Pebble Beach from the ladies tees.  Soon, baby…Soon!

15. If I’m going to throw the javelin, I need to learn to throw it like a girl (and not one of those East German chicks from back in my Olympic days).  I saw on that Super Bowl commercial that it’s not politically correct to talk about “throwing like a girl”, but if I’ve learned one thing from this “journey” it’s that just growing my hair long and smearing some Mary Kay foundation over my 5 o’clock shadow doesn’t make me a woman.

16. Learn how to walk in heelsI won the Olympic decathlon, for crying out loud!  How hard can a nice pair of pumps be?!

I think the white socks with blue stripes give these get shoes a patriotic look, but my bunions hurt worse than the seeing the ratings of my new TV show. (Image from english dot

The white socks with blue stripes give these shoes a snappy, patriotic look!!  FYI;  bunions and athlete’s foot is one hellish combination. (Image from english dot cntv dot cn)

17. Make America proudDone!  That gold medal in ’76 certainly did the trick

18. Make America throw up in its mouth a little - Working on it every day.  I can do this, I know I can!

19. Take advantage of these incredible cheekbones! - This rouge is tricky stuff.  If I don’t get the hang of it, I’m going to end up looking like Leona Helmsley

Leona Helmsley as she might have appeared as an Olympic javelin thrower (E-Collage by yours truly)

Leona’s rare Wheaties box cover. (E-Collage by yours truly)

20. Start peeing sitting downThis one should be easy, after teetering around in those heels, I’ll take any chance I can get to get off my feet!

The French Toast Conspiracy


I know it’s the sign of a lazy blogger to re-post something they wrote a long time ago – so sue me! Since the weather forecasters seemed to over-estimate our snow totals by a foot or more, this seemed like a good time resurrect this nugget.

Originally posted on 1pointperspective:

I'll just gobble down this pile of fat and sugar, then get going shoveling the driveway.  (Image from every day with honey cake dot blog spot dot comI’ll just gobble down this pile of fat and sugar, then get going shoveling the driveway. (Image from every day with honey cake dot blog spot dot com)

A lot of people shrug their shoulders and say it was just the way these things go.  They figure that despite the best computer models and professional judgement, sometimes things don’t go the way the pretty geniuses said they would.  I choose not to blindly accept the sketchy excuses of these so-called experts.  I look at the bigger picture and try to see what’s really going on.

After careful consideration of all the factors, I’ve come to a conclusion, and it’s a doozie.

Let me step back and set the stage for you.  I live in the greater Philadelphia area.  We’re far enough north to get snow, yet far enough south to squeal like a little Nancy-pants every time there’s any of it predicted.

On the west coast, you rarely see weather girls bundled up in fleece jackets, but if you get too many jet streams like this one, it might be time to stop going commando.  (Image from the nayshun dot com)Latin TV weathergirls are seldom bundled up in fleece…

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Swordfish Gone Wild


I liked this so much, I just HAD to reblog it! To read about that One Point Perspective at the supermarket was a dream come true. He’s really some kind of genius! Has anyone noticed that I’m writing this crap about myself?

Originally posted on The Nudge Wink Report:

Like most people, I trudge this earth daydreaming about being the person to come up with the next big thing.  It’s either that, or becoming a famous writer who commands the respect an admiration of all who read my work.  Having checked back on my typical blog posts, I think we can all agree that it’s safe to scratch the famous writer option off of the pipe dream list.

I was strolling through the bedlam of weekend shoppers at my local grocery store in just such a daydreaming state.  As I steered my cart to avoid ramming a pair of hungry cougars, I noticed the sign below.   Look closely, and you may notice something a little strange.

These prices are great!  Maybe I'll pick up extra for the cat! Photo by the author. "May I help you sir?" "No thanks, I'm just taking pictures of the fish" These prices are great! Maybe I’ll pick up extra for the cat! Photo by the author. “May I help you sir?” “No thanks, I’m just taking pictures of the fish”

If you…

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From The Driver’s Seat – Shopping Center Edition

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of reading reviews of the latest supercar from Maserati and how it compares to the Lamborghini.  Even if I won the lottery I doubt I’d drive one of those cars.  With this in mind, I’ve taken it upon myself to review a few other rides.  These models are readily accessible to almost anyone, and can be experienced, if briefly, for just a few coins.

This is a sad approximation of one of the true classics.  Notice the faux stone disk wheels instead of the original limestone cylinders. (Photo by the author)

This is a sad approximation of one of the true classics. Notice the faux stone disk wheels instead of the stock limestone cylinders. To add insult to injury, all of the interior wood grain has been replaced with plastic trim. (Photo by the author)

 Flintstone Mobile

The ride quality on this one really suffers in a side by side comparison to the original. The polycarbonate body is no match for the standard giant log construction. In addition, the lack of foot contact with the pavement results in both a significant decrease in both road feel and braking.  Aesthetically, the absence of an animal skin canopy on this model truly detracts from the classic-yet-primitive lines of the original.  The missing roof is all the more apparent should the driver become a victim of  pterodactyl droppings.

This donkey looks a little shady, we might have to check that barrel for a hidden panel.  Why the hell is that cactus so happy? (Photo by the author)

This donkey looks a little shady, we might have to check that barrel for a hidden panel. Also, why the hell is that cactus so happy? (Photo by the author)

Tijuana Taxi

This one harkens back to a simpler time, life moved at a slower pace, and racism was fun.  Today’s edition displays a Hitler-youth version of the traditionally Mexican donkey, complete with blond hair, a Dr. Seuss-inspired hat, and what appears to be a serious skin condition covering his hide.  The ride was nearly as disappointing as the altered appearance.  The anticipated rhythmic rocking in the saddle on the back of a jack-ass has been replaced with a rather jerky anterior-posterior motion not unlike the mechanical bull at Gilley’s Saloon in Vegas.  The tinny mariachi music emanating from the grinning maw of the adjacent cactus offers little to enhance the experience, though it does reflect the original South-Of-The-Border charm which the ride had prior to its P.C. make-over.

Look at the face on that Mr. P wouldja?  He looks like Kim Kardashian is about to squeeze her big caboose right into that tiny seat.  Geez, that tater has a thing for tushies.  (Photo by the author)

Look at the face on that Mr. P wouldja? He looks like Kim Kardashian is about to squeeze her big caboose right into that tiny seat. That over-sized Tater Tot sure has a thing for celebrity dumpers. (Photo by the author)

Mr. Potato Head Buggy

This is an updated version of a vehicle which was a short-lived, commercial flop.  Historians feel the problem may have stemmed from using the words “potato” and “bug” in the name.  Sadly, this version does not offer the driver the option of changing out the facial features of the Potato Head seat-back or front-grill, which was honestly the only thing to differentiate this dud of a spud from the Rocket To Mars out in front of the Shop-N-Save.

The ride'll run you 75 cents.  Fro thart kind of scratch, they should supply the user with a cute little chain to to attach their cute little wallets to their cute little belts.  (Photo by the author)

The ride’ll run you 75 cents. For that kind of scratch, they should supply the user with a cute little chain to attach their cute little wallets to their cute little belts. (Photo by the author)

Lil’ Harley

This is a miniature version of the classic Harley favored by outlaw bikers (and investment bankers going through mid-life crises).  Though a rumbling soundtrack accompanies the swaying ride, the lack of wind in the hair, bugs in the teeth or frightened glances from neighboring minivan passengers detract from the overall experience.  The nearby bench does provide adequate seating for your old lady (or Mommy), as the fine print points out that “this hog don’t come with no bitch pad“.

Vehicle design notwithstanding, Baby Kermit exhibits an undeniable lack of any resemblance to Miss Piggy. The one in the back seat is just plain creepy. (Photo by the author) resemblance to

Vehicle design notwithstanding, Baby Kermit exhibits an undeniable lack of any resemblance to Miss Piggy.  (Photo by the author)

S-Street: P is for Poultry, and also for Propulsion

America’s pioneering children’s television series has clearly sold out.  Baby Kermit’s eyes reflect a fondness for Phish concerts and if I’m not mistaken, he’s making the hand signal for the “sinsemilla sidecar” wherein new passengers can expect the entire vehicle to be in the smoking section.  If you doubt this premise, then explain how a typically flightless Blue Hen can be converted into a rocket.  I won’t even get into reviewing Snuffie’s Colombian-Themed Party Bus.

My Coaching Application – NY Jets


Portrait of the artist as a well paid football coach with furrowed brow
Portrait of the artist as a well paid football coach with furrowed brow


Attn: Director of Personnel  – NY Jets


Dear Sir,

I am Mr. One Point Perspective, part-time, award winning blogger extraordinaire and full time jack-ass.  I would like to take this opportunity to formally offer my name for consideration as Mr. Rex Ryan’s successor as the head coach of the New York Jets.

As you are undoubtedly aware, the world of professional football is going through some challenging times in recent years.  On the field, teams have taken to using formations of such complexity that many teams have resorted to hiring choreographers.  Celebratory dances alone have nearly been elevated to an art form.  From a play-calling standpoint, things have gotten so confusing that the referees are often the only ones on the field who aren’t either calling audibles or decoding the giant postcards held high on the sidelines by back-up quarterbacks and assistant-assistant coaches.

Off the field, things are stickier than ever.  Player behavior is making headlines for all the wrong reasons.  The public relations quicksand gets deeper by the day.  Who would have guessed that giving millions of dollars to idolized young men who make their living doing violent things could possibly be lead to problems?

These league-wide scandals, in addition to your abysmal record the past several seasons may have disastrous results.  At this rate, there is a distinct possibility that some fans may actually be upset enough to give up their season tickets, mandatory pre-season ticket packages and seat licensing fees.  Without taking action, there is a chance the Jets organization could end up losing a few doubloons over this, not to mention your share of lucrative parking revenues!

The time is now, gentlemen.  Your organization can be a pioneer in making the bold move into uncharted territory by hiring a middle-aged guy from suburbia to be your head coach.  A person with no practical experience in coaching can provide your team with the fresh, unpredictable direction which only a true neophyte can provide.  My attached resume will show that I’ve spent my adult years following several career paths, none of which involve professional football.

I did play football in high school.  Granted, the game was different back in those days, we didn’t wear gloves or Darth Vader visors.  I do recall a few guys on the JV team who tried to sneak gloves out onto the practice field when the weather got cold – they were subjected to some good natured ribbing, let me tell you.

I have participated in a fantasy football league for several years.  The experience has been one of rather limited success, likely due to my drinking too much at the draft parties.  The large amounts of beer and tequila may have been the root cause of my drafting players who were not actually available to play due to incarceration, retirement and in one case, death.  The parties were typically held at my home, so there was no driving under the influence or other scandalous behavior on my part.  I can’t speak for Hacksaw or Tommy Tilt, both of whom have  left the league.  You’d have to speak with their respective wives for full details as to why they withdrew.

Since I have none of the football coaching experience of Rex Ryan, I’ll compare myself to him in a general sense;

  • Rex Ryan has been rumored to have quite the foot fetish and his wife even allegedly appears in several videos, showing off her tootsies.  While I won’t deny being as much of a fan of pretty toes and dainty arches as the next guy, I have the common sense to keep the camcorder in its case except for family birthdays and holidays.
  • Rex has a brother, Rob Ryan, who is a defensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints – at least he is at the moment.  I also have a brother, and like me, he has no experience coaching football.  He keeps his thinning hair much neater than Rob Ryan’s tangled mane.
  • Rex is known for being outspoken and a straight talker, much like New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.  I’m also widely considered to be a loudmouth, especially when I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.  Predictably, Gov. Christie is a Cowboys fan and to the best of my knowledge is not interested in coaching your NFL team, as he has eyes on bigger game (or it could be he’s looking at the “sale” sign in the front of Tartaglione’s Cannoli Emporium).
  • I can’t beat the Patriots either, but I’ll damn sure dress better than Belichick on game day.

My noteworthy personal attributes include:

  • I haven’t managed a whole team of players, but I did have a hand in raising three children, none of whom have served any significant time in prison.
  • Mike Vick and I go way back – Oh the dog-fighting yarns we could tell!
  • I’m okay with sharing a stadium with another team as long as those Giants fans promise to pick up after themselves.
  • I appreciate the history of your great franchise – for example, I’m pretty sure that Weeb Ewbank did not host The Newlywed Game.
  • I look really good in green

In closing, I’d like to thank you for your consideration.  Again, I urge you to take the trailblazing step of handing the reigns over to a complete novice, before another team steps up and does it first.  To be completely fair, I intend to send similar applications to parties in Atlanta, San Francisco and Chicago.  Since I already live in Jersey, I’ve decided to give you first dibs.



One Point Perspective


P.S.: I understand a position has also opened up in Buffalo.  I don’t want to be an NFL coach badly enough to apply for that gig.


Don’t Put That In Your Sister’s EZ Bake Oven!

Now that kids all over the country have had a chance to dig into their new toys, manufacturers are dealing with the occasional fall-out from products which offer less (or more) than parents bargained for.

It seems the good folks at Hasbro have just such a pubic relations issue with their new Play Doh cake decorator extruder-thingy.  Rather than describe the issue, I’ll just post a little pic of it below and see if you can guess the problem.

Take a look at the picture and see if you can figure out the problem people are having with it.  If you guessed that it's made in China of inferior plastic containing lead, you might want to look again.

Take a look at the picture and see if you can figure out the problem people are having with it.  If you guessed that it’s made in China of inferior grade plastic, you might want to look again.

You couldn’t see what the issue with the toy is?  Me either!  I did an online search and found some customer complaints, maybe looking at them will shed some light on the problem.

  • “Why did Santa bring this?  Mom already has one in her sock drawer” –  Becky K. – Joplin, Missouri
  • “Tell your sister she has to share, Johnnie! You both get to play with the extruder-thingy”  – Nancy R. – Medford, Oregon
  • “Don’t bother looking at the directions kids, Daddy knows how to use that thing”  – Brad H. – Toledo, Ohio
  • “You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!”  – Department store Santa – Jacksonville, Florida
  • “Dad! I can’t find the cake extruder-thingy and Mom won’t come out of the bedroom to help me look for it”  – Jimmy P. – Des Moines, Iowa
  • “Mom! Timmy wants to fill it with lemonade and try to write his name in the snow!” – Brittany M. – Grand Rapids, Michigan
  • “Mommy, why did you think this toy needs batteries?” – Filbert H. – Baton Rouge, Louisiana
  • “Daddy, why did my new Play Doh cake decorating set come with Anthony Weiner campaign literature?” – Giselle T. Brooklyn, New York

I’m sure that Hasbro doesn’t see a problem either, but you know, the customer is always right.  Parents need to accept that even without a cake decorator extruder, that’s one of the first things a lot of kids are going to make out of Play Doh anyway.

New Year’s Resolutions You Can Actually Keep


Don't get all nostalgic for the New Years Eve of yesteryear - this kid is wearing a cloth diaper and is likely wearing a Depends by now!  (Image from - first New Years Resolution - stay off of Pinterest for another year)

Don’t get all nostalgic for the New Years resolutions of yesteryear – the kid in this photo is sporting a cloth diaper and may well be wearing a Depends by now. (Image from – first New Year’s Resolution – stay off of Pinterest for another year)

Optimism is all well and good, but many of you get a little carried away at this time of the year with your resolutions.  Perhaps it’s the promise of a fresh start, or the regret that comes with an epic New Year’s hangover.  For whatever reason, you simply set the bar impossibly high for yourselves in the coming year.   More often than not, your credit card bills for holiday spending haven’t even arrived before most of your resolutions have already been shot to hell.

A wise (and impossibly upbeat, annoying) person would suggest that every day is a new beginning; that we can each strive to just be a better person every morning.  It’s a pretty good idea to resolve to stay away from people like that.  It may prove to be a tough promise to keep, especially for those of you in twelve step programs or Turkish prisons.

Here now, are some typically unachievable New Year’s resolutions with saner alternatives.   You can resolve to thank me later.  In an effort to show how to set and achieve resolutions, I’ve resolved to use old photos from previous posts to illustrate this one.  Done and done.

Resolution #1: Renew your gym membership / Exercise regularly

I looked for photos of actual squatters, but felt the ones I found were demeaning.  This woman chose to dress this way to perform squats, and as such, she demeans only herself.  By the way, honey, love the shoes!  (Image from thegreatfitnessexperiment dot com)

Working out is not always as glamorous as this.  I don’t know how this shot didn’t break the internet.  (Image from thegreatfitnessexperiment dot com)

Problem: Gym memberships pose many problems.  For one thing, the obligatory monthly payments and over-priced juice bars may derail financial management resolutions you may be considering (refer to Resolution 3 below).  There’s also a good chance you haven’t been to the gym since the last time you made this hollow promise about twelve months ago. A slim possibility exists that the gym has folded and the lease was taken over by a do-it-yourself dog-grooming enterprise.  It’s still recommended that you wipe down the equipment when done.

1 PP Resolution Solution: Change your perspective.  By most standards, you’re over-weight and about as active as an arthritic tree sloth, but compared to some folks, you’re the picture of health and living an active lifestyle.  Resolve to spend more time in cemeteries.  Next to the dead, you’ll probably look pretty fit.  While you’re there, you might as well walk around a little.


Resolution #2: Eat a healthier diet / Lose weight

There is no evidence to support the possibility that Carl's Jr is considering serving Barbequed bowsers or even Hawaiian style buns. (Cut and paste digital collage handiwork by the author)

There is no evidence to support the possibility that Carl’s Jr is considering serving Barbequed bowsers. (Cut and paste collage handiwork by the author for a different post – needed to re-use it to make all that digital labor worth my while )

Problem: A healthier diet will almost certainly include more fruits, dark green leafy vegetabley things and less processed junk.  You’re on a first-name basis with the people in the window at the local drive-thru.  The produce clerks at the local health food co-op shift their glances nervously between you and the AED every time they see you lumbering down the aisle.

1 PP Resolution Solution: What really matters in life?  Looking good and treating your body like a temple, or having friends?  Buy a fistful of scratch-off lottery tickets for your friends at Jack-In-The-Box and nurture your fellowship with that bunch of zany kids!  Those cucumber waxers over at Whole Foods were never going to be your pals anyway.


Resolution #3: Get out of debt / Improve your financial management

If your bank account looks like this, you need to stop watching the Cowboys get their asses kicked and go do some shopping!  Rumor has it Romo jerseys are going for bargain prices.  (Image from picsbox dot biz)

If your idea of financial management is organizing your wads of cash in neat little stacks like these, you may need more individualized advice. Give me a call on my cell and we’ll talk about my ideas for a combination brewery/day spa.  (Image from picsbox dot biz)

Problem: Committing yourself to improving your money situation won’t get you a raise down at The Kraft Shak.  There’s no need for a calculator to figure out that even going without food and shelter, you couldn’t pay off those credit cards before next year’s resolutions.

1 PP Resolution Solution: Financial experts agree that diversification of investments is key.  If it works for Jimmy Buffett’s rich uncle Warren, it should work for you too.  So when you buy those scratch-offs, make sure you get a wide variety of them.  Bonus Hint: Use a key to scratch off the ticket, having loose coins around will only encourage frivolous spending.


Resolution #4: Do more for others / Be a better citizen of the world

I saw what you wrote on Facebook - you're allowed into heaven now. (Image from popejokes dot com)

I opted for a funny Pope photo here, because Mother Teresa washing feet is just not entertaining viewing.  (Image from popejokes dot com)

Problem: Let’s face it, volunteering is not as much fun as you thought it would be.  The pay is even less than you what you clear at The Kraft Shak.  In addition, soup kitchens and Habitat for Humanity building sites are teeming with those wildly optimistic, happy-pants yahoos we all agreed to avoid in the beginning of this post.

1 PP Resolution Solution: First of all, you need to steer clear of late night TV ads which result in you donating pennies a day to the orphaned kittens of Botswana.  I mean really, how much of your 12 cents do really think goes to those scrawny little tabbies?  If you’re still hell-bent on doing good, you can come over here and rake my yard or shovel my driveway without me having to drop hints over and over again.  There might even be a cup of cocoa in it for you, but I’m not making any promises.


Resolution #5: Improve your attitude and coping strategies

You take the espadrilles out of this one and it's nothing but the shallow end of a pool.  You also lose my name, which I proudly stuck in the corner.  Gimme credit WP.

Yes you’ve made questionable decisions, and those shoes are no exception, but it’s not the end of the world.  Besides, if you wanted to do something dramatic and self-destructive, you’re at the wrong end of the pool.  (Illustration by the author, who is trying to get his money’s worth out of the hours invested drawing water and shoes)

Problem:  Dealing with the challenges the world throws your way is what life is all about.  You know that getting passed over for the assistant head checker position down at the Crap Shak shouldn’t have mattered so much, but you ended up sulking for weeks.  How the hell can you expected to be happy and upbeat when the world keeps dumping out second helpings of poop on your plate?

1PP Resolution Solution: If you’ve followed my sage advice thus far, you’re probably reading this as you sit on a tombstone, eating a Jum-Bo-Valu meal amid the sad clutter of losing lottery tickets and dead flowers.  As if that isn’t bad enough, your back is sore from doing gratis yard work over at Casa del One-Point (For future reference, bring your own rake next time – I’m not running a lending library here).  My final bit of wisdom is that you stop making promises which will inevitably end in you disappointing yourself.

You’re quite welcome.

See you next year!