Perhaps you saw the article where the annual Easter Egg hunt in my town in Colorado has been cancelled due to the over-zealous behaviors of some of us parents. According to the article, in recent years, some of us may have been jumping into the action before the official start of the hunt to make sure our kids got the most eggs. We sealed our children’s supremacy by finding the eggs ourselves. It’s a good idea if you really think about it. I mean, kids have such short legs and they can be distracted by the glory of a Rocky Mountain spring.
You need to FOCUS Brittany! F-O-C-U-S !!!
It goes without saying that most four-year olds just suck when it comes to competition. Studies have shown that at that stage of development, children have yet to acquire a taste for the blood of their opponents. Four-year olds are like…babies! They need to grow up strong and they need to grow up fast. Kindergarten is next year and if you’re already behind from going to that mediocre preschool at Mommy’s work, you can kiss the Ivy League schools good-bye. Then what?! No kid of mine is going to some damn state school!
Any parent worth their salt knows the only way for a child to ever become a winner, is to have their parents win for them! Then, when they’re holding the trophy in their stubby little hands, and watching their parents glow with pride, they will begin to understand the joys of crushing their competition (You can assume the parents are glowing with pride, we might be glowing with perspiration from hip-checking that Thompson kid’s loser father into the hedge on the way to grab those two purple eggs).
With the Easter Egg hunting dominated, our happy family can head home to count the spoils of victory. Sadly, there’s little rest for the victors, as young Brittany has show-and-share in preschool just two days later. Mom and I are already arranging for Chinese acrobats, flame eaters and jugglers. The Thompson kid’s parents brought in a live ostrich and the kids got to ride it. If they think their little twerp is going to beat our Brittany into Princeton ..well…wait’ll they get a load of the show-and-share – that’s all I’m going to say about it.
We’ll see who’s on top when kindergarten starts. This is war, Thompson.