Hippity Hoppity my fluffy white ass. The trail is a bitch.
I’m down at the Pinewood, sipping on a short, dirty glass of cheap Canadian. My beer back-up is looking a little flat. This place is a long way from the Ritz, but you’d still think they’d wash the glasses a little more often.
The Round Man is sitting next to me. Got himself swiveled on the stool while he’s chatting up some bimbo. He’s jolly alright, but for all the hype about his taste in behaviors, he definitely leans more toward the naughty girls than the nice ones. Next to him are three of the wee ones – two of Round Man’s best workers plus Irish. That little dude is a mean SOB when he’s gettin’ his drink on. I’m glad he’s four seats away from me. You never know when some drunk college kid will come in and call him Chuckie or Lucky Charms or something and next thing you know, the cops are comin’ in and somebody’s gonna need stitches. Still, I gotta admit, the three of ’em look cute sitting up there on barstools with their little feet so far off the floor.
We don’t always hang out like this, but sometimes I like to chill out with a few of my buddies who understand life on the trail. There used to be better attendance at these get-togethers, but some of the usual crew’s drifted apart. The T-Fairy prefers a different kind of bar, and that’s fine by me – to each his own right? Jackie Frost, may he rest in peace, is gone but not forgotten. Freakin’ global warming pretty much did him in.
Let’s not get it twisted, I aint no retiree in a Bunny suit down at the mall gettin’ my pic snapped with your brat for five bucks a throw. I’m talking the real deal here – these ears aint clip-ons.
Like I said at the start, life on the trail’s a bitch. I smell like freakin’ Hershey, Pee-Ay 6 months out of the year from all the crap I’m delivering. Don’t think it isn’t a little weird to be spending a large part of my life carrying around giant, hollow chocolate replicas of myself. Then droppin’ em off only to have the parents of these kids eat the ears off a day or two later. It’s a heavy load knowing I’m guiding the youth of the world down the path toward obesity and diabetes.
I had to get therapy for that crap. I finally gave up on talking to the shrink. He blamed my issues on my father. That was the last straw for me. My father!? How much of a presence in your life can your father be when you have 237 brothers and sisters? Besides, the mental health waiver on my insurance sucked. I’d rather spend that co-pay money on shots and beers and get my counseling from the Round Man and maybe one of his naughty girls if she has a friend. You know what I mean?
Don’t get me wrong, the trail isn’t all sore paws and nightmares about waking up with my ears bit off. I’ve had some good times too. Some wild crap goes on out there. This one time, outside of Dubuque, Iowa, this chick walks in on me when I’m hiding eggs and filling baskets. She’s half in the bag and reeks of Malibu rum. Anyway, she must be on her way to the head when she sees me standin’ there with a handful of Marshmallow Peeps, and she just goes nuts. You know the whole “I can’t believe you’re really really real!” song and dance. She goes on to tell me how she always hoped I was real, but findin’ out -well that’s somethin’ special. Then a little light goes on in her drunken head and she realizes that she aint wearing much more than her hubby’s Drake University T-shirt and a pair of fuzzy socks. Well…one thing leads to another and let’s just say I didn’t do nothin’ to hurt the stereotypes about the bunny nation, if you follow my drift.
Stories like that, they happen, but it aint the usual. The usual is more like people with hi-tech security systems and Rottweilers. Bratty kids whose parents have convinced them that Easter aint nothin’ but Christmas in the Spring. Chocolate and malted milk candy eggs can weigh a rabbit down, but they don’t compare to Nintendo Wii’s and bikes. I got a couple dentists I play golf with in the off season and they aint too happy with that trend – believe you me. My chiropractor – he’s happy as crap.
So in a few days we’ll close up shop and I can try to relax and enjoy the off-season. Me and the Round Man are gonna hit the links and maybe do some fishing. The trail aint no easy time, but fishin’ for wahoo and throwing back a few frosties can help me forget my tender paws and aching back for a while.
Uh oh. Looks like a couple of frat boys are startin to bust on Irish a little. It might be time to hit the bathroom until the smoke clears. I’ll see you kids next year, okay?
32 thoughts on “Life On the Trail – True Tales from the Easter Bunny”
Just make sure you don’t bring me any of those lame blue and pink peeps. I only want yellow ones.
Those boneheads at wordpress didn’t post the piece anywhere! I got half a mind to sic Irish on em! How the hell am i gonna get readers if they pull this crap?! This aint no way to treat a freakin bunny! i’m an institution dammit!
I never delivered none of those blue and pink peeps…some knucklehead family member probably got em on sale and slipped em to ya
You mean you’re not the only source of Easter Basket candy?? I’m disillusioned.
look kid, if some yahoo at your house wants to stuff your basket with some inferior peeps, what am I supposed to do? I’m the Easter rabbit, not the basket police…now, be a sport and get the bartender’s attention down to this end of the bar…i aint here to watch other people drink
Waaahhh I’m telling my Mommy!
you might wanna check and see if she’s wearing a Drake University T-shirt…could be more traumatic than it already is…
…and green and orange and purple. Right, not just yellow and pink anymore. There’s even a Peeps store. Check this out http://amperart.com/index.php/2013/03/26/20-bunnies-chicks/
What can I say, I’m partial to yellow food coloring.
I wonder if he knows Harvey? You know, the 6 1/2 foot rabbit who hangs around with that drunk guy?
Glad you enjoyed it. The subject of Harvey never popped into my head. Sadly, no one but my devoted followers will see this one because WordPress didn’t post it in any of the categories.
I loved this! And, I’m happy to have discovered your blog. Hope you will accept an honor that someone bestowed on me this week and that I meant to share: The Versatile Blogger Award!
I’m not tech savvy enough yet to have figured out how to post a link here, but refer you to my blog and the “Go ahead, make my day!” post for more information.
In the meantime, it doesn’t matter where WP posts or doesn’t post, if you just keep writing the rest of us will make sure others read your work.
Holy Crap! I won something!!?! It’s very gratifying to know that there are some folks out there who read and enjoy my stuff (it’s mutual, you know). Your words of encouragement meant a good dealt to me, especially in regards to the Easter Bunny piece, which I thought would be much more popular than it’s been so far. Now if you’ll excuse me, I guess I need to go rent a tux.
Don’t forget polished shoes and fresh underwear. You mother would be proud!
Yes I’ll be glad I had the fresh undies if I’m in an accident on my way to the awards ceremony. Good thinking.
I love your Easter Bunny and I love the crack about calling the Christmas elf Lucky Charms. Too funny. Your stuff is great!
thank you thank you…glad you liked it…i don’t know what to do with the drawing…i’m thinking of some grand gesture.
Hi from Susie’s party. Awesome illustration! Poor Jackie Frost and global warming–lol!
Welcome! Susie hooks us up! Glad you liked it. If you’re interested, I have a few more which I illustrated, including my 50 Shades of Gray parody, devoted to pork and naughtiness, “47 Shades of Pink”
Love the illustration! That is one laid-back bunny! Hilarious. I had no idea what the Easter Bunny had to go through…
Thanks for bringing the link to the party!
Thanks for having me! You’re the hostess with the mostess! Glad to get the Easter Bunny some air-time – he wasn’t well exposed when I originally posted it.
It’s great to get it out here at the party. I hope you get a few new bloggers/friends to your place to check it out!
Already picked up a couple of new disciples, thanks to you. I never would have guessed that people who are “in the know” enough to hang at one of your parties would have the questionable taste to follow me! I think it’s because of that special punch tyou’re serving with the literary roofies in it.
I hopped over from Susie’s blog. This is hysterical! Even the comments are funny – “I’m the Easter rabbit, not the basket police.”
Thanks for the laughs!
As long as you’re smiling, we’re on the right path.
I forgot to say I love the illustration, too. Shared URL with some others and tweeted. Hope you get lots of views!
You’re some kind of pal!
Here from Susie’s party. Didn’t I see the Easter bunny over there, too? Throwing those little mints up and catching them in his mouth or something. I steered clear of him myself. Great post. Thanks for sharing.
The Easter Bunny is all business at this time of year. He’s carbo-loading and doing big aerobic workouts getting ready for Sunday. If you see him a few months from now, he’ll have a Rob Roy in one hand and a Chesterfield in the other.
Hey just thought I would stop by was hanging out at Susie’s Party and saw you mingling and I had to stop by because I needed a laugh … Mission accomplished thanks for posting the story. Your first line is awesome! Ha! Totally had me going. Great post … Dude I thought I had it rough, poor Easter Bunny he definitely needs some happy hour.
He’s tough enough, but he told me his big flipper feet are aching by the time he’s done every year. It’s no wonder he throws back a few highballs in the off season.