“What is a lamp, you nincompoop? It’s a major award. I won it!”

Mr. Parker: It's a Major Award!
Swede: Shucks, I wouldn't know that. It looks like a lamp.
Mr. Parker: What is a lamp, you nincompoop? It's a Major Award. I won it!
Swede: Damn, hell, you say won it?
Mr. Parker: Yeah, mind power, Swede; mind power.
(Image and dialogue from Jean Shepherd's "A Christmas Story" - MGM)

I was recently named as a winner of the Versatile Blogger Award.

I was nominated by the presumably lovely and unquestionably talented Emma of In Other Words .  Thanks Emma – I’m not worthy of your praise.  While I appreciate the award, it’s made writing even more challenging than it already was.  It’s always been a bit daunting to hit the “Publish” button on a piece.  With my award, I now have to ask myself,

“Is this worthy of a Versatile Blogger Award recipient?

“Is it too trite?”

“Is it versatile enough?”

“Will posting this give Emma reason to doubt her judgement?”

Clearly the bar has been raised, and now I’ll need to consider my stellar reputation as a wit (or half-wit) before I post just any old thing.

I read how after winning the Academy Award for “Hamlet”, Sir Lawrence Olivier had the good judgement to turn down the title role in “The Incredible Mr. Limpet” – leaving the door open for Don Knotts to star as the man-turned-fish.  That’s the kind of foresight I’ll be needing from here on out.  I don’t want to be the Don Knotts of blogging – there are too many of those already.

To add further doubt to my already shaky self-image, I’ll be damned if I can figure out how to post a link to Emma’s site in here.  Fortunately, I stumbled onto a video tutorial on the VBA page, and after watching it an embarrassing number of times, I was able to negotiate myself through the process.

Now the other award shoe drops.

As if it wasn’t difficult enough writing with this massive new weight upon my shoulders, the award stipulates that I, in turn, award the VBA to no less than fifteen of my favorite bloggers.  Fifteen?!!  That means I’m going to leave someone out and undoubtedly hurt their feelings.  In addition, I’ll be saddling fifteen other bloggers to this same horrific batch of challenges and angst.  What fun!

The positive aspect of this is that all fifteen of my nominees write way better than I do, so they should skip through this effortlessly.  In the event that as a recipient of this noble chain letter award you choose not to follow through with your sworn duties, don’t be hating on the nominator.  It’s not my fault you write well and entertain me – that’s on you.

Here then, in no particular order, is my list of fifteen wicked-good blog writers.  I apologize in advance to both those who I nominated and to those I did not.  If you are one of the award winners, try clicking on a link besides your own, ferchrissakes!

The Good Greatsby

The Byronic Man


Prawn and Quartered

Paltry Meanderings of a Taller Than Average Woman


Notes from a She-Hermit



Shut Up Dad


White Elephant In The Room

Perverted Wisdom

She’s a Maineiac

Peg-o-Leg’s Ramblings

I know that some if not all of my nominees are wildly successful bloggers who can’t be bothered with this nonsense, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to put some hack on my list and risk guilt by association.  Many of these blogging superstars have the good taste not to follow yours truly, so I have no idea when or if they will even hear about this.

The final requirement for winners is to tell seven previously undisclosed things about themselves to their loyal readers (This is a lot like work).   I’m not exactly a private person, but I’ve decided to just make some of this stuff up rather than risk boring people with nothing but facts.  In a wacky twist, you’ll have to decide for yourselves which of my following are facts and which are fabrications.

1)  Born in Vienna, Austria

2) I’m a physical therapist who works with special needs children

3) I have an admitted fondness for dessert wines

4) My middle child is a jet-setting professional poker player

5) My younger brother once met Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. – and I resent him for it (My brother, not Kurt)

6) I see my mother on TV sometimes

7) My basement is filled with survival gear and back issues of Guns and Ammo magazine

My god, I feel so exposed !  For those of you who don’t know me personally, I’d love to hear which of the 7 attributes you think are true.  For those of you who know me in the “real” world, don’t be tools and spoil it for everyone else.

34 thoughts on ““What is a lamp, you nincompoop? It’s a major award. I won it!”

    1. I would think that someone who’s written thousands of pages of Zombie fiction would not be overly impressed with a leg lamp. Since this dopey award is nothing more than a glamorized chain letter, it’s only a matter of time before we all get one. Keep in mind, since you get to design your onw imaginary trophy, you could make yours something more akin to your genre, like maybe a flesh eating walker cast in shiny brass.

      1. I think you might be on to something. I should make up my own award and give it to myself. “The golden zombie award for shameless self promotion goes to…. ME!” (Que music) /shakes my own hand… “I’d like to thank myself, who in my panultimate awesomeness provided this opportunity to monologue about what a cool guy I am.”

  1. Well, after making it about 1/4 way through your “about” page before realizing I better quit reading before it gets dark (but I’ll come back to it later–I understand chapter books take some time to get through), I can’t begin to guess which, if any, of the above are true. I will guess #5 and #6 are true, and possibly #1. Then again, they could all be lies…

    Congrats on the award. Just wait until you start getting more of those rare gems…

    1. The whole purpose of putting the badge on the side of my posts is to keep anyone from trying to award me that thing again! I’ll keep the true/false info to myself for a while until a few more people guess. For the record, I prefaced the soap opera of my about page with a disclaimer about it being fabricated. Read the fine print, girl!

      1. Yeah, I kind of figured it was fabricated. I’m not that dense (well, depends on the time of day…) But within fiction lies truth, so I thought the whole Austria and Mom in film thing might be true.

        1. You could certainly be right. I promise to reveal the exciting answers…but at least one other person needs to post their guesses, or else this will look like our own little private chat.

  2. Ok, in an effort to get others off the hook, I like to think you are a kind and selfless soul — that would make #2 truth. I think I’ll go out on a limb with the others. How about #5. And, for sure, the comment about pawning the award!

    You did yourself proud on the post/acceptance speech. For this alone you deserved the award (and all the work that went with it!).

    1. Good luck finding 15 worthy bloggers!! Just kidding, there’s tons of them out there….learning how to link has been useful, as i showed in my “waiting” post, where I linked it to my “castro” post….if i can’t get people to read me because they want to, i’ll just trick them and link them into it…in other news, i’m curious what your guesses were as to my seven little known facts.

      1. I’m still processing them!

        1-3 probably true
        4–You’ve mentioned your son travels to exotic locations so could be true.
        5–No reason to doubt this–you should do a post on the circumstances some time.
        6–Totally plausible but inconclusive as to whether she might be a celebrity or picked up on the bank’s security camera!
        7–Not sure I believe this one. You could be a camper or hunter but I haven’t picked up any survivalist vibes.

  3. Dear 1point,
    Thank you for including me in your list. I got round the award thing by refusing ALL awards and making my own award, The Dotty Headbanger Award For Being Mental And Loving It and telling people to award it to themselves if they want to. If you think you’re mental enough you can have one too. 😉
    Love Dotty xxx

    1. Clever Dottie! I would award myself the Dottie Headbanger Award for Being Mental, but unfortunately, I don’t speak with a British accent, and “being mental” sounds so much better when Carl Pilkington says it than when I do. Now, if Carl wanted to give me the award, I suppose I’d have to graciously accept.
      For the record, I enjoy your blog and that’s why I nominated you, irrespective of whether you care to accept it.

  4. thanks for the award! (I think). Is this one of those “awards” in which bad luck befalls those who do not share the “award?” Last time I didn’t forward this type of “award,” a falling disco ball crushed my prom date (not that that’s necessarily a bad thing).

    1. Don’t sweat the strings attached to the award, though it did force me to go find some additional recipients. In turn it gets you name out there, much like Byronic’s contests. My followers have increased a bit and it was almost fun.

  5. Wow, what a suprise and what great company! Thanks, you Versatile Blogger, you — I’m horored beyond words.

    Since I read your answers first it wouldn’t be fair to ‘guess’, so I won’t. You’re
    a talented guy, 1point, I love your casual, witty style and unique topics. Terrific stuff.

  6. I cannot believe this! There is a picture of the leg lamp (one of my all-time favorite movies) AND my name is, (for god knows what reason) on your list with those other bloggers. I am all verklempt! Thanks for the honor and congrats to you. I am really enjoying your blog but now that I know you’ve given me this award, I will never come back again. (ok, I will, your writing is that good)

    1. Dude girl! I appreciate your taking the time to thank me for the well deserved award. i enjoy your writing, and I’m thrilled to have finally found a blog site where I can hob nob with people who can actually write. I’m looking forward to seeing the next thing you post. I’ve got a few in the hopper, ready for posting, but I’m trying to pace myself just a little.

      FYI, “dude girl” is a salutation of great respect, despite my ingestion of muey cuervo this evening, I think I got that right.

      Thanks again for the kind words.

      1. Not to get into a mud-slinging contest with Mr. Grimy Mitts, but I think when you consider all the candidates you’ll see that one rises to the top. This is the one with the integrity, the passion, and the hot pants to lead us on (I mean, lead us all). And this would be: “Debbie Does Dickens.”

        I’m Freddy Flow, and I approved this massage (“a little more oil, wouldja?”).

        Paid for by Citizens to Elect Freddy Flow to Supreme Overlord and Master of his own Domain.

          1. “I get by with a little help from my friends / Gonna try to get into these Depends.” And I get by with a little goading from my fellow bloggers.

            From Freddy Flow, who’ll be stone-cold chillin’ post-nuclear-holocaust-style at the Roach Motel, while the rest of you suckers are stuck in a bomb shelter and fighting over a can opener.

    1. I’m guessing you’ve never seen the movie “A Christmas Story” starring Davin McGavin and Peter Billingsley. It is a great lamp, and if you go to the Christmas Story Museum and Gift shop in Cleveland, you can buy one of your own. Mine is purely photographic.

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