Doomsday Preppers Casting Call #117

Lucinda wanted me to quit buying the higher priced beans. These Goyas were on sale, so I stocked up.

“We’re pretty excited around here.  Nat-Geo’s  working on season 2 of Doomsday Preppers.  The pre-production staff should be here any time now.  I’m hoping they pick us.  We’re new to prepping, but I think we’re pretty well set, right honey?  Honey? C’mere, I’m talking to the writer guy about our prepping!  She’s a little quiet about all this, but I know in her heart she’s glad we’re getting ready for the apocalypse.  Don’t bother trying to get any quotes out of her, she likes to pretend that she’s not into prepping, but I know she is.”

“Was that a van pulling up out front?  They’re here!?!  Oh my God!!  How do I look?  I went out and got new camo just for this!  Kids!  Tuck your fatigues in and try to look respectable, the TV people are here!”

“Hi! Come on in!  I’m Claymore Billups and this is the missus, Lucinda.  These are our kids, Alexa, she’s 12, Bryson, he’s 7 and last but not least is Amanda-Sue, she’s just about 4 and a half.  Oh, and this is Dave, he writes a blog and is hanging around ’cause he’s writing about us for the world wide web.”

“I’m a retired municipal employee here in Jersey.  I never gave much thought to prepping till last year when I started watchin’ your show.  Then I started thinking and worrying more and more.  There’s so many things that could happen and it’s a good idea to be prepared – just like the scouts say right?  Always be prepared?  I wasn’t actually in the scouts myself, the troop in my town just played dodge ball and collected dues.  Nobody learned how to tie knots or camp or any of that stuff, so I never got around to joining – I was never much of a dodge ball fan.”

“My biggest fear used to be terrorists, but lately it’s the collapse of the financial infer-structure.  I figured when Wall Street goes down, money won’t be worth anything.  People will have to spend their life savings for a bottle of Pepsi.  There’ll be rioting in the streets.  It’s only a matter of time before city dwellers come out here to the suburbs looking for food and virgins.  Ha ha – not really the virgins part, that’s my little prepper joke!  But there will be lots of undesirables coming looking for anything of value.”

“They’ll have field day next door at Schmidt’s house.  Al Schmidt and me, we talk out back when we’re working on our “honey-do” lists.  Women huh?  That list never ends.  Anyway, Al thinks the whole ‘prepper’ thing is silly.  He told me that he’s got a bottle of single malt scotch he’s been saving and a whole buncha pills from when he had a root canal.  He says if the end comes, him and Audra, his wife, are just gonna sit out on his patio and wash down those pills with scotch and that’ll be that”

“Me, I’m more of a fighter than Al.  Is Schmidt a French name?  I always thought it was German or something.  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, prepping, of course!  Ha ha.  So, I figure food will get scarce pretty quick.  If a bottle of soda costs thousands of dollars, people won’t be able to afford grocery shopping.  Even if they did, the stores’ll run out.  Hell, when the weatherman predicts 2 inches of snow, they run out of milk and bread in a coupla hours down at the Shoprite.  So I’ve been trying to buy a little extra whenever me and Lucinda go grocery shopping.  My idea is that I buy a couple cans of beans and some bottled water every trip.  Lucinda rolls her eyes sometimes, but she’ll change her tune when hoodlums are running wild through our development and the Schmidts are out on their patio decomposing.”

“Lemme show you my bunker.  My wife still calls it a garage, but in my mind, it’s a bunker.  I got more of what you call that survival mentality.  These supplies take up some space, but we haven’t had room in here for cars in years anyways.  This is my water supply, I got about 7 or 8 cases of Poland Spring, and another couple of cases of the store brand so far.  Lucinda started giving me grief about the name brand water runnin our bill up too high, so I gave in and started buying the generic stuff.  I figure when the going gets tough, this generic water will taste a whole lot better than the stuff down the block in the retention pond.  Any idea if you can boil goose poop outta pond water?  I hope I never have to find out the answer to that, huh?”

“Over here I got my beans.  At first I was buying cans, that’s them over there on the shelf next to the lawn dart set.  But then I was worried they’d expire by the time I needed them.  Canned beans expire right?  It seems crazy to survive the apocalypse and then die with botulism from a bad can of beans.  So yeah, I stopped buying the canned beans and started buying dried ones.  I got pintos, blacks, pinks, black-eyed peas, garbanzo beans – the Italians call them Cici and other people call ’em chick peas – pretty complicated for a bean to have three names, huh?  So I was thinking that we might get sick of eating nothing but beans, so it’d be better to have all these different kinds, it’d give us some variety”

“This spot over here by the weed whacker and Bryson’s Little League bat is where my other weapons’ll go.  I call it my arsenal.  It doesn’t look like much now, I just started filing for permits and stuff when I found out you guys were coming to interview me.  I’m figuring maybe a couple of rifles and some handguns for the kids.  The ammo can go right up here on the shelf by the jumper cables and the paint thinner.  Lucinda doesn’t know yet, but these guns are pretty expensive.  When she finds out what I’m gonna have to spend to defend our family, she’s gonna blow a gasket for sure.”

“I’ll have to tell it like it is, really get through her head how critical this is.   ‘Honey,’ I’ll say, ‘you know I love you, but if you can’t get behind me on this, then you’re welcome to join the Schmidts out on their patio.’  I figure that’ll get through to her.  I don’t wanna traumatize her, but sooner or later she’s gonna have to get on board a little more than just lettin me buy beans and water.”

“We don’t really have much else to show you right now.  We haven’t come up with a bug out plan just yet.  It’s miles and miles of these suburbs before you get anywhere much different.  Lucinda’s parents live in a retirement community down the shore, but I’m not sure that’ll be much better than here when it comes down to it.  Half the people down there are on walkers or in wheelchairs already, can’t see where they’ll be much help when it all hits the fan.  Her brother and sister-in-law live up near the Poconos, but I’m not sure how that’ll work, since Lucinda and her sister-in-law aren’t getting along too well since the whole thing with my niece’s birthday party invitation getting lost in the mail.  I’m thinking that things will get patched up pretty quick when we show up with guns, ammo and all the dried beans we can carry.  If not, we’ll bunk out in the minivan while we plan our next move.”

“That’s pretty much it so far.  I’m sure we’ll have a better plan once I get Lucinda to come around to my way of thinking on the guns and everything.  In the meantime, I’m considering adding limas and navy beans to my stockpiles.  I know it’s early in the process and all, but whaddya think, we gonna make the show?”

“You’ll call?  Great!  Just make sure you call before the power grid goes down, right?  Ha ha!  That’s more prepper humor, right?”

12 thoughts on “Doomsday Preppers Casting Call #117

  1. Brillliant–you nailed Al.

    But talk about a self fulfilling prophesy, isn’t the existence of a show like Doomsday Preppers prima facie evidence of the coming apocalypse??

    1. Well, if the show itself isn’t a sure sign of the apocalypse, then your use of”prima facie” in a blog comment surely is! Where’d I leave my Latin dictionary? It’s probably out in the garage, buried under sacks of beans.

  2. Immediately, the all-purpose end-times stash of choice came to mind. Dinty Moore Beef Stew. Of course beans are standard and ubiquitous. I liked this bloggery, Mr. 1point. I give it a full ten survival cans of Underwood Deviled Ham Spread! 🙂

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