A recent article described the concern the Secret Service has with a possible threat to the man in charge. The potential subject is identified as one Theodore “Ted” Nugent, of Detroit, Michigan. Nugent, once known as the Motor City Madman, is a big proponent of the NRA and any Presidential candidate who is not named “Barrack”.
Apparently Mr. Nugent had some disparaging things to say about Obama. He included an analogy about having a coyote in ones living room, urinating on the sofa. He went on to say that it wasn’t the coyote’s fault for peeing on the sofa, but rather, the onus of blame laid squarely on the shoulders of the homeowner for not shooting the varmint.
Secret Service agents, allegedly fresh from reckless fun with sex-workers in South America, got right to work, trying diligently to figure out if Nugent was comparing the President to a coyote, its urine or a sofa. In the meantime, several Colombian prostitutes, speaking under the condition of anonymity, have supposedly told Fox News that “coyote” is slang for poor tipper. They went on to say, that a “coyote who pees on the sofa” is in fact a little-known deviant sex act involving dwarfs, upholstered sex toys and men wearing sunglasses and earpieces.
Nugent, meanwhile, has been uncharacteristically quiet.
Agents have decided to look at Nugent’s body of work for clues. Though Mr. Nugent actually penned a manifesto a few years ago, Secret Service representatives have decided instead to focus their investigation on Nugent’s songs. The following is a brief outline of some of the leads the agents are looking into:
“If You Can’t Lick ‘Em…Lick ‘Em” – With incredible accuracy, it seems that Nugent’s choice of a title for this song may have predicted some of the alleged Secret Service shenanigans in Colombia. His apparent powers as a psychic have given agents even more to worry about.
“Free-for-All” – Clearly this song outlines Nugent’s disapproval of a Democratic President who will be entirely too generous with the coffers of the treasury, wasting money on any number of public assistance programs and reinforcing the “something for nothing” mentality of the party.
“Stranglehold” – Security experts believe that this song may have about been Nugent’s concerns regarding a Democratic President’s imposition of Big Government on the American people – stifling free enterprise, effectively putting people’s individual liberties and basic American rights in a stranglehold.
“Cat Scratch Fever” – This song may well have forewarned Nugent’s America of the possible pussy-fication of our country with gun control, rampant political correctness and hot breakfasts for under-privileged children.
While the Secret Service will not come out and state that Nugent’s body of work is categorically a threat to the President’s well being, they continue to investigate. Nugent’s documented discussion of decapitating Obama and members of his cabinet notwithstanding, agents appear to be keeping the main thrust of their investigation on song titles at this time.