Willie Prader had a bad feeling about this one. Like maybe he’d bit off more than he could chew.
The leggy blonde named Crystal had sauntered through the door and into his life just a week before. For someone who made his living being observant, he should have learned by now – trouble was always blonde, and it always sauntered.
The job was simple. She was convinced that her husband was cheating. Willie’d been a private dick since Moses was a pup, but still had to wonder what kind of guy cheats on a bombshell like this dame. She had the face of a starlet, and he couldn’t help but notice how her legs got together and made an ass of themselves.
Prader parked his battered Lincoln at the White Castle across the highway from the Palace Diner and waited. The guy drove a ’68 Fleetwood, so he’d be hard to miss. When Mr. Light finally pulled up at the Palace, Prader was amazed to find out just how hard to miss he actually was. The guy got out of the Caddy and the chassis elevated like one the Impalas the kids drive out in L.A. Only this car didn’t have complicated hydraulics, it heaved up because the guy who got out of it had to tip the scales at five bills or more. He leaned down and checked his massive face in the little mirror on the door, then shifted his bulk toward the diner entrance.
Prader chuckled to himself. He never would’ve guessed that a doll like Crystal would be married to a guy who looked like he was built when meat was cheap. He leaned back on the Lincoln, lit a Lucky and watched across the lanes of blacktop as the round man somehow crammed himself into a booth. The waitress was hovering at his table, spending too much time for someone who should be hustling up and down the aisle slinging hash for tips. She laughed and smiled at him, touching his arm as he shifted his attention between her and the glossy menu.
Willie decided to get a closer look at this little romance. He jogged across the highway and stood in the shadows just outside the neon glow of the flickering sign. He considered his surroundings, making sure he wouldn’t be too conspicuous. He looked back up to the window and saw the booth was empty. For a minute, he thought maybe he was looking at the wrong booth. Just then, he felt the massive ham-hand grip his arm like a vise. He was pretty sure the pain in his ribs was the business end of a Colt, maybe a Baretta. The man-mountain pushed him toward the diner door and the barrel of the handgun kept him moving.
Light stared at him across the booth with tired eyes. The waitress looked at Prader with just a hint of dull surprise after putting three platters down in front of the big man. She smiled briefly at Light as she left.
“My wife sent you snooping” Light declared. “She knows I’m cheating,” he continued, “but look at this plate of sausage and eggs with hash browns. Do you have any idea how many points that meal is? Sorry pal, but I can’t lose Crystal because of what you or some team of cardiologists tell her.”
Prader swore at himself as he lay bound and gagged in the trunk of the Caddy, probably on his way to a landfill. If he got out of this alive, he’d need to listen closer to clients, especially the blonde ones.
42 thoughts on “Willie Prader, Private Eye – Deadly Sin Series – A Glutton For Punishment”
Entertaining, quality writing. These are my favorite lines:
trouble was always blonde, and it always sauntered.
her legs got together and made an ass of themselves.
he was built when meat was cheap.
I’m glad for your blog which I found from visiting Byronic Man.
Glad you liked it. I did it for the competition that k8iedid is hosting on the seven deadly sins. Sadly, my illustration doesn’t show up on her page, so my entry will have to be judged on words alone.
The words alone more than suffice.
I’m glad you think so – apparently, the prize for this round is chocolate chip cookies (I’m more of an oatmeal guy myself, but it’s the honor).
LOL! A taste of success. Good luck.
thanks…and thanks for linking over here from the Byronic Man’s blog. Love his stuff.
Correction! It’s k8edid and NOT k8iedid ! She’s a great blogger who is not to be missed. 1000 pardons!
I don’t have any comments or witty remarks for this, other than it’s just good writing. Well done sir. Well done.
aw shucks…now you’ve got me all misty eyed..i was hoping you of all people would’ve noted my subtle jokes in there..
I’m glad you loved the Willie Prader Private Eye. Now he needs your help. Not because he’s locked in the trunk of a ’68 Caddy, but because his story is getting its ass kicked in the contest voting. Here’s the link – now go do your part and save our hero. http://k8edid.wordpress.com/2012/05/15/the-deadly-sin-series-gluttony-finalists/
Thanks brutha. I don’t care about the cookie prize, but I do feel strongly that I wrote the best piece. I’m thinking it’s more of a popularity contest or who has the most followers than it is about quality. Even so, I get to keep Willie Prader to move on with regardless.
I love this kind of stuff and you really do it well. Thanks!
No no no..thank YOU! Glad you enjoyed it. There are six more deadly sins to go, I may have to get Willie out of the trunk somehow.
That’s one of the beauties of the genre–when you write yourself into a corner you can always write a door to escape!
But as us old timers know, the ’68 Caddies didnt have the emergency escape handle in the trunk like the new cars do. I’m pulling for Willie – he’ll find a way…especially because there are 6 more deadly sins for him to get through in this challenge.
You might want to hire a fact checker, but I seem to recall that GM cars built between 1968-1970 were equipped with the BFGoodrich inflatable space saver tire. That type of spare tire came with a can of compressed air to inflate the tire and they stopped making them because a lot of people were injured when they overinflated the tire and it explode.
I’m just sayin . . .
Who needs to spend hard earned sheckels on a fact checker when i have you? I’m quietly hoping that you and I aren’t the only ones who are rooting for Willie Prader to find his way out of this jam.
I’m glad you loved Willie Prader Private Eye. Now he needs your help. Not because he’s locked in the trunk of a ’68 Caddy, but because his story is getting its ass kicked in the contest voting. Here’s the link – now go do your part and save our hero and for Willie’s sake, tell your friends to vote too. http://k8edid.wordpress.com/2012/05/15/the-deadly-sin-series-gluttony-finalists/
I should have written this sooner, but I was busy eating. This piece is part of the seven deadly sins competition from k8edid. She was enough of a genius to come up with this and is doing all the legwork to feature all the entries on her blog. The least you can do is go over and check out her stuff – she’s a very talented, funny writer. Here’s the link: http://k8edid.wordpress.com/
Congrats on getting Byronic Man’s Blogger of the Week award. No one deserves it more. 🙂
Nice photo. It’s obvious Sedaris has vastly different taste than many of us men. Though you don’t look quite as snarky in this one.
It’s an experiment. Ooops. I don’t think I’m supposed to give that away.
Although, not to sound too terribly gay, you DID look rather Audrey Hepburn-ish in the old one.
I’m glad you loved the Willie Prader Private Eye. Now he needs your help. Not because he’s locked in the trunk of a ’68 Caddy, but because his story is getting its ass kicked in the contest voting. Here’s the link – now go do your part and save our hero – feel free to tell your friends. Also, to let you in on my little joke, switch Willie’s first and last names and look it up in a medical dictionary. http://k8edid.wordpress.com/2012/05/15/the-deadly-sin-series-gluttony-finalists/
Will do, my friend!
Thank you for your continued support. In the event of super-stardom, I pledge not to forget your loyalty.
Added your own great drawing to get a leg up on the rest of us, hmm? Overacheiver.
If you think that’s a great drawing, you’re easily impressed. Personally, I liked the Easter Bunny drawing a little better, but neither one of them is much to look at.
Can I just tell you how brilliant this is? I love it. It screams pulp fiction and satire so beautifully. Please let me know how the competition turns out. I’ll be very surprised if you don’t win or at least place. These are my fave lines:
“Trouble was always blonde, and it always sauntered.”
“couldn’t help but notice how her legs got together and made an ass of themselves.”
“He never would’ve guessed that a doll like Crystal would be married to a guy who looked like he was built when meat was cheap.”
I love that fact that you used words like “doll” and “dame.” Reminded me of a Spy Museum exhibit about the McCarthy era. Lucille Ball was investigated for being a possible Commie and letters were written to J. Edgar Hoover that referred to Lucy as a “dame” over and over again. That’s a great word to bring back. Great job!
It’s kind of funny, I put a rather crass reference in there, but no one has called me on it yet…
I enjoyed writing it…I have to admit to having heard both those lines multiple times in my youth…I’m thinking it would be fun to resurrect Willie…maybe he’s deserving of a novel, since the one I’ve been writing for years is stalled (again)
I hate you. Now I’m going to have to re-read your post again and again until I figure out which crass reference you’re talking about. And considering that being crass is the art form in which I dabble, I may overlook it repeatedly because my crass filter is practically non-existent any more. Oh dear.
it’s on the medical side…chances are, if someone got it, they might be too offended to say anything
oh wait a sec…if you read it again and again, do i get multiple hits? I thrive on the illusion of being more popular than i really am.
I’ve already given up. The Housewives of Orange County is starting. Priorities, man!
I’ll let you know if anyone spots it. Go watch those wildly accurate representations of average Americans
I hope you weren’t suggesting that each and every one of us doesn’t perform in Vegas with the Pussy Cat Dolls even though she couldn’t carry a note in a zippered fanny-pack? What a dull life we would lead…
I had to come here to tell you that I LOVED your story. I know I’m not supposed to say that considering I’m also in the same contest but it is what it is. Well done!
Well shucks! I’m always thrilled to get some praise from one of the serious writers on here, so this is extra special. I liked it a lot myself. I’m thinking Willie’s going to find himself a way out of this fix…maybe there’s more for me to write about his adventures in the future.
This is a great story, read it more than once..was right there with the characters and wondering what will happen next…. I think Willie should be able to escape the 500 pound man-mountain..maybe he has something in his back pocket to expedite things in the trunk… 🙂
Willie has to survive, he’s the closest thing to a character I’ve ever managed to develop!
I’m glad you loved Willie Prader Private Eye. Now he needs your help. Not because he’s locked in the trunk of a ’68 Caddy, but because his story is getting its ass kicked in the contest voting. Here’s the link – now go do your part and save our hero – feel free to tell your friends to vote too.. http://k8edid.wordpress.com/2012/05/15/the-deadly-sin-series-gluttony-finalists/