Yo Wassup G-Spot!

Good news, I found the G-spot. Turns out we’ve been looking in the wrong place, it’s actually located at the intersection of Route 206 and Monmouth Road just outside of Mt. Holly, New Jersey! For the record, “topless” is not spelled “t-a-p-a-s” – Boy, was that ever an embarrassing discovery!

First, a quick hats off to Carrie Rubin of The Write Transition for bringing this nugget of medical news to my attention.  Apparently, a physician in Poland claims to have located the exact location of the infamous “G-spot” of an 83 year old deceased woman during the dissection of her remains.

OK – now go back and re-read that last sentence over again and explain how any card-carrying wise-ass could fail to find at least 20 good jokes in there.  To Ms. Rubin’s credit, she merely used the G-Spot reference as a teaser to get lots of us readers all charged up, then quickly changed her topic to something much more family friendly.  She does that a lot, and I fall for it every time.  Her recent post about periods turned out to be a discussion of punctuation!  She’s a crafty one!

For the righteous and snooty among you, the following attempts at humor will be about dead people, Polish people, sexual topics and worse.  If you don’t have the stomach for it, just hit “like” and go thumb through the Readers’ Digest over there on the coffee table while us grown-ups share a few ribald laughs!

Here now, in no particular order, are 20 quips about the story.

20.  The article fails to mention that the physician has been looking for this particular patient’s G-spot since she was 32 years old.

19. The article also fails to mention that it was actually another woman’s G-spot, and no one thought to look for it in an 83 year old woman in the morgue.

18. The “physician” was actually a confused, near-sighted veterinarian looking for a missing Schnauzer named Mitzi, and like most of us, he found the G-spot quite by accident.  Mitzi’s whereabouts remain unknown.

17. Sadly, when she died, she took the recipe for ice cubes with her, and now Poland must drink its vodka warm.

16. The physician, in an interview, replied to one reporter’s question by answering “Well actually, her toes were already curled before we started the dissection.”

15. The woman’s grieving husband stated he didn’t care so much about the location of the G-spot, but he wondered where she left the checkbook.

14. The physician, when questioned about his skills as an anatomist, stated that he did in fact know his ass from his elbow.

13. There have been no confirmations of pre-production talks for “Sex and the City – Krakow Nights”.

12. G-spot or not, she’s still frigid.

11. Great! Found my G-spot just in time for purgatory!

10. Ironically, the woman was not Dr. Ruth Westheimer, who despite being 83, is very much alive, (and with a few shots of peppermint schnapps might have shown the physician right where to look).

9.  Upon discovering the G-spot, the doctor yelled “Eureka!” at which the point the cadaver said, “Whaddya expect?  I’m dead!”

8. There have been no confirmations that the physician had to employ a special device from “The Love Toy Connexion”.

7. Stiff anti-smoking laws prevented the doctor and his subject from sharing a cigarette afterwards on hospital property.

6. There have been no confirmations that the male dominated review board of the Polish Journal of OBGYN had plans to issue a statement which essentially states “Who cares?”

5. The Polish physician admitted that he had located the G-spot earlier, but was confused because it was marked with an “X” in the text books and not a “G”

4. Shortly after locating the G-spot, the doctor became distracted by soccer highlights on a nearby TV, lost it and had start looking all over again.

3. The doctor’s wife, when reached for comment stated “No way, not MY Stosh!  He’s too busy practicing medicine to ever find a G-spot!”

2. Turns out there’s no correlation between G-spots and liver spots.

1. The physician reported that he would have found the G-spot years sooner, but every time he’d gotten close, he’d finish up and fall asleep.

Alright, it turns out that I’m nearly as guilty as Ms. Rubin on the false advertising accusation, as those 20 were not all good jokes.  Please, gentle readers, feel free to give me a one liner of your own.   Don’t forget to unclick the comment email notification box, or suffer the wrath of receiving emails about all 5 comments I’ll be getting.

16 thoughts on “Yo Wassup G-Spot!

  1. Oh, you outdid yourself with this one! I love the missing Schnauzer and the one about finding the spot just in time for purgatory. Murphy’s Law, right? I tried to come up with one of my own, but I could not match any of these. This is Grade A Freshly Pressed material–where are the FP lords when you need them? (Especially since you mentioned me–thanks for that by the way!)

    1. Glad you liked it. I was a little worried that it would be too racy for some of my more high brow readers, then I remembered how few of those I actually have. I’m hoping that I manage to get more than 20 hits out of it. The traffic seems to be way down, but it could just be my writing.

      1. Also, how does anyone get anything anywhere on this site these days? This one didn’t show up in humor or anywhere, certainly not in freshly pressed. Getting just a little bit frustrated.

      2. Not your writing for sure. Is more likely because there are buttloads of blogs out there. Put an image of a shirtless Hugh Jackman or Will Smith in one of your posts. I made the mistake of doing that, and now that silly post always registers as my most popular, only because people land there by searching for “Will Smith nude” or “six-packs.” But hey, whatever gets folks there, right?

        1. I dunno…the whole thing seems kind of arbitrary sometimes. Still, I did enjoy writing it, even if there’s only a handful of people who end up seeing it. It’s not Shakespeare anyway.

  2. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Fine she found the G-spot, but what’s this whole “warm vodka” business about? That’s atrocious!

  3. As another card-carrying wise-ass AND a card-carrying list writer, I have to add more:

    After finally discovering the G-spot, the physician planted the Polish flag there, claiming this new-found territory for Poland.
    As the woman had said to physician 50 years ago, he would get to her G-spot over her dead body.
    The physician was only able to find G-spot only after G-oogling it

    1. Thanks! I liked 16 too. Also I thought the liver spots one was cute.

      I don’t know if you’ve been reading these consistently or frittering your time away doing silly, self-indulgent things like working and living your life, but I wanted to point you toward Willie Prader, Private Eye several posts back. I’d be interested in hearing what you think of it.

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