No one, including me, likes to hear an excuse. I’m fairly sure that reading them isn’t much more enjoyable. Yet, here I sit, poised to write a post which is absolutely littered with them.
After a string of several weeks putting up 4 or 5 posts, I’ve fallen off the radar.
In truth, it’s not for lack of effort. I’ve actually got a few things in the works, but none of them are quite ready yet. The last thing anyone out there needs is an under-cooked blog. They don’t digest well and will leave you readers with a funny taste in your mouths – bad funny, like getting hit in the privates, not good funny, like someone else getting hit in the privates.
Here are a few of the excuses I’ve been kicking around, followed by the reasons they suck:
Excuse #1 – I’ve been really busy with work.
This excuse sucks because: Everyone gets busy at work, or worse yet, some readers may be among the scores of unemployed or under-employed and resent the hell out of me for having a job (actually, I have 3 jobs, but bringing that up won’t likely endear me to the unemployed)
Excuse #2 – I’ve been saddled with family obligations.
This excuse sucks because: Everyone gets saddled with family obligations. Feeling put-upon by the responsibilities of family life is one of the main reasons many of us write in the first place! Writers in dry spells will envy my having family issues and obligations. To be honest, my big family obligation was driving my daughter to Pittsburgh to help her move from one college dwelling to another. That’s not exactly like having a painful, dramatic intervention to get Aunt Tilly off the booze and pills. Sorry Aunt Tilly, but making light of your addictions was for your own good (and it filled a void in my post)
Excuse #3 – I had to drive to Pittsburgh and back.
This excuse sucks because: Pittsburgh is a happening city filled with a delicious mix of culture and kitsch. Driving there and back actually got me out of New Jersey for 3 days. By the way, if you ever want to kill your liver and gain 10 pounds all in one weekend, let me know, I have some Pittsburgh attractions you won’t want to miss.
Excuse #4 – I was busy begging people to vote for me to win the “Gluttony” chapter of k8edid’s 7 Deadly Sins Challenge
This excuse sucks because: Even though I was busy begging, and I actually succeeded at winning, I now have 6 more deadly sins to write about and I have to make a good showing or I’ll look like a one-post wonder. (By the way – Thanks for voting everybody, I’ll try not to let you down)
Excuse #5 – I was busy watching the NCAA men’s lacrosse playoffs.
This excuse sucks because: It’s not entirely true. While Pittsburgh has no shortage of trendy bars and restaurants, I couldn’t find any bartenders who wanted to change the channel from tractor pulls or the replay of the Penguins most recent Stanley Cup Championship. Though its popularity is growing by leaps and bounds across all demographics, many people still consider lacrosse the bastion of affluent, snotty rich kids. With that in mind, maybe you’d enjoy watching the guy who will eventually receive a 7 figure bonus for moving your job to Sri Lanka get cross checked into the turf.
Excuse #6 – I was expending all my creative efforts writing my rant for the people in my Survivor pool at work.
This excuse sucks because: Writing this blog is the excuse I gave to my work friends for doing such a lackluster job on the Survivor rant! Let’s be honest, this season pretty much went down the toilet once Colton had to quit with menstrual cramps.
Excuse #7 – The sun was in my eyes.
This excuse sucks because: Everyone knows I do the bulk of my blogging under cover of darkness.
Excuse #8 – I’m a perfectionist – you just can’t rush true art.
This excuse sucks because: Have you read my blogs? Perfectionist? Seriously?!
1pointperspective 
Consider yourself lucky that your dog didn’t eat your rough drafts. (‘Course, if they are on your computer, as mine are, that would be a sucky excuse.) Hope your daughter fares well in her new environment.
I like it better than her last place, but we know what my opinion is worth.
Whatever the excuse, we’ll happily await your next post–whenever you’re ready to post it. Congrats on your win!
Careful, my head will swell up again and I’ll topple over.
Well, at least you won’t look as swelled up as the woman I saw on Dr. Phil recently who after a zillion breast augmentations is now a J cup. Little old me didn’t even know that size was possible…
J-Cup?! Sounds like a great blog post title to lure us into what appears to be naughty…
Oh, I would never do that…
I didn’t mean to imply that you’d EVER do such a thing!
Im pretty sure I’ve used most of these on my own blog.
Zombie fanatics can be so inflexible…they’ll change their point of view when they’re thanking you for saving them
Not writing because of lacrosse?! And Survivor pools? I feel like I had an insult seizure reading those.
You misread it, those were the crappy excuses I dared not use. It’s not like I was playing lacrosse. “insult seizure”? sounds cool.
Oh thank Poseidon. My appologies. I’m on a belly blast diet with the girlfriend, and I have had nothing but small portions of vegetables for 3 days now. I don’t get protien until Thursday. Reading, work, and driving are all blending into one. It won’t happen again.
Three days?! You need to get to Pittsburgh!
That sounds like a new catchphrase.
How many lbs have you lost? Have people stopped running when you yell “Cannonball”?
Apparently this “whole weight loss thing” takes time. Pssh. Stupid rules.
after three days, i’d expect major weight loss, or at least hallucinations
What about that litany of excuses John Belushi uses in “The Blues Brothers?” Surely one of those is acceptable enough.
Sorry…I tend to watch movies then forget most of what was said in them. That’s not a clever attempt at an excuse, I really don’t recall Belushi making excuses in “The Blues Brothers”. On the bright side, I do remember John Lee Hooker’s guest shot in it.
You’ve inspired me to come up with a list of excuses to explain why I am not blogging more often.
1) Spent way too much time voting repeatedly for 1pointperspective’s entry in the 7 Deadly Sin’s competition. What? I didn’t see a rule about logging 44 votes.
2) Spent too much time reading 1pointperspective’s excuses about why he isn’t blogging.
3) Spent too much time bantering back and forth with 1pointperspective on our respective blogs.
4) Spent too much time drinking all the wine that 1pointperspective continually stashes in the aloe plant outside my door.
5) Spent too much time reading and re-reading 1pointperspective’s Gluttony entry – which was pretty fucking awesome – trying to discover the uber dirty reference he hinted at, but didn’t reveal until at least a week later. Bastard!
6) Slept in. Okay, I can’t blame this on 1pointperspective. Wait…I can. All of the above made me so tired, that I slept in and had to spend my day doing house-wifey things, instead of super human blogger things.
I’ve come to the conclusion that 1pointperspective is the reason I am not the female David Sedaris…yet. That and the fact that no one from The New Yorker will return my calls, and that a restraining order requires me to stay at least 50 feet away from Ira Glass. I’m also certain that he’s the reason why my laundry isn’t folded and one of my cat’s has dandruff. Damn you, 1pointperspective! I meant that in the best possible way.
It should encourage you to know that your comments are often funnier and better written than most of the blogs I read, including my own.
The secret inside joke was not dirty, you must have imagined that part. Since you brought it up, I’ll go ahead and give you a nice clue. Do some research on the detective’s name.
In other news, I’m thrilled that you’re the one who’s been drinking the bottles of Willamette Valley Pinot Gris I’ve been leaving in the aloe plant. I was worried the gardener had stumbled across the bottles and was enjoying it in the evenings with a delightful ragout of spring vegetables with couscous. While I don’t begrudge the gardener the right to good food and wine pairings, the wine was left as a bribe (or was it a tribute? these dark dealings leave me confused) for the Taller than Average one, who blogs like a house afire.
The world will tire of Sedaris, his talent is only astronomical. When at last they do, you’ll step up and take your rightful place at the Barnes and Noble out by the interstate, signing copies of your latest novel.
I only hope that you’ll remember the little people when that happens.
Erm, the world hasn’t tired of Sedaris in 20 years…and since he’s only a decade or so older than I am, I don’t think I can wait for him to…you know, die. So, we’ll just have to peacefully coexist. Of course, that’s not very difficult for him at the moment since I’m not exactly stealing any of his readers and the only thing I’ve ever requested of him is to either marry me or provide me with an 11th reason as to why he was refusing – which he did. I don’t see why I couldn’t be the female David Sedaris. Or the heterosexual David Sedaris. Or the non-owl collecting David Sedaris. Or the French-hating David Sedaris. There are plenty of David Sedaris holes that a person like myself could readily fill.
You’re so kind about my comments. Most bloggers would say, “Stop writing blog posts in my comments. You have your own goddamned blog site.” But nothing gets me motivated like something else that someone else has written or said. Perhaps I’ve invented something new…a blog devoted to nothing but my comments on other people’s blog posts. Whew! That would be fun. No, you can’t steal this. As it is, I’m pretty sure the gardener may have snitched a few bottles of that Pinos Gris or switched them with a six pack of Bud Light. Blaaaaaghhhh.
I’ll never forget you because you’re the reason I’m not a successful writer right now. I could have written half a chapter of a new novel in the time I’ve devoted to commenting on your blog post tonight alone. I’ll remember you alright. Muuaahaahhahahahahahah, Is that how you spell a scary laugh?
I think that is how to spell a scary laugh, but the male version. The female version is more like “Eeee Heee Heee Heee!”…preferably degenerating into a smoker’s cough at the end.
I’m thrilled you’ll remember me, even if it’s for something bad. Hopefully, I’ll merit a mention in the jacket notes of your third, critically acclaimed, but sluggish-sales novel. You can refer to me as your anti-muse.
Do not respond to this comment, tempted though you may be. Go write half a chapter. You may commence with the commenting upon the publishing of my next masterpiece of shit.
I have the same excuse: reading other folks’ (amazing) blogs (like this one) does two things: a) keeps me too busy (and happy) to throw down my own stuff and b) keeps me afraid that I can never measure up to the quantity and quality that’s out there. Oh, and c) I keep getting operations to change my voice into David Sedaris’s. So, double-damn you, 1pointer! (again, in the best possible way)…
At least your a man. Can you imagine how hard it is for me to try to “sound” like David Sedaris? I don’t even have an Adam’s apple.
I just counted and I have word files on my desk top which are blog posts that I’ve started and given up on. My excuse? My self editor telling me the idea (or its execution) sucks.
Thats 8 word file to be exact.
Where would we be without those self-editors. I’ve got a few of those on my desktop too.