Please Read This Blog In A Responsible Manner

I found this on the side of a tequila bottle. Sadly, it was nearly empty by the time I could focus my eyes to read it.

I saw a news story the other day regarding some legal maneuvering over a nasty accident in New Jersey.  Someone had driven into someone else while texting and hurt them badly.  Certainly this type of foolishness is happening with increased frequency and is not to be tolerated.  Common sense and civility dictates that someone who is operating a motor vehicle should not be reading or typing while doing so.  It’s a well known fact that a large percentage of people can’t even drive safely while doing nothing else whatsoever.

What struck me about the news story was not that the driver was at fault – that was fairly clear.  The amazing part was that the lawyers for the prosecution were trying to spread the liability to the person with whom the driver was exchanging the texts!

As it happened, the court decided that the person at the other end of the texting chat was not liable for injuries.  Once in a while, the legal system proves itself not to be totally insane, but the damage in my mind was already done.

I started thinking about my writing.  I recently reached a modest milestone in blog hits and my mind couldn’t help but drift into the dark place of “what if’s”.  While my blog has supplied me with a creative outlet, I don’t think it’s worth losing my house over.  For the sake of the legal covering-of-my-ass, please observe the following guidelines while reading my posts:

  • Do not operate heavy machinery while reading.  This includes, but is not limited to: jumbo jets, dump trucks, jet boats, nuclear power plants and cruise ships.
  • Do not operate light machinery while reading. This includes, but is not limited to: snow blowers, weed whackers, Mini Coopers, butane lighters and electric pencil sharpeners.
  • Do not make important life decisions based on anything I’ve written.
  • In the event of a water landing, do not attempt to use my blog posts as floatation devices.  Though they are often light in character, the blogs do not float.
  • Do not try to amuse others by attempting to re-tell one of my hilarious blogs, my wit is sharp and if mishandled, may result in nasty puncture wounds.  Give them the link and let them read it themselves.
  • In the event that laughter lasts more than four hours, seek medical attention.
  • Do not incinerate – high heat may cause blogs to explode.
  • If reading my blogs on a smart phone, do not attempt to walk, drive or pretend to be paying attention at an office meeting.
  • If reading my blogs in bed, please do not attempt to use your sex swing at the same time, and refrain from smoking until after the blog is completed.
  • Do not pass on the right or drive on the shoulder under any circumstances, irrespective of whether you read my blog or not – it just pisses me off.
  • It is permissible to drink alcohol while reading my blog, as it tends to improve the humor, but let’s try to be a little more mature and skip the keg stands and jello shots.
  • Reading blogs while bungee jumping has caused seizures in laboratory animals
  • Keep hands and feet away from moving blog parts – seriously, are you that stupid?

No animals were harmed in the writing of this blog

The author is in no way responsible for the time you’ve wasted reading this drivel – he bears no blame for the important things you failed to accomplish by choosing to sit on your fat ass reading when there were other, more significant things to do.

Anything you say can, and will be used against you in a court of law, but please leave me and my little blog out of it.

69 thoughts on “Please Read This Blog In A Responsible Manner

    1. You make a good point, Victor. While I generally think that following me blindly is a good idea, my team of legal experts insisted on putting that one in there. They pointed out that not everyone is cracked up to follow in the footsteps of my gigantic feet.
      By the way, I’m thinking of selling “WW1PPD?” rubber band bracelets to my disciples at an enormous mark up – can I mark you down for a few?

        1. I’ll be at the jersey shore for a week in the early summer. I’ve got this wacky fantasy of wearing a 1PP T-shirt and having people on the boardwalk come up and share that they are avid disciples of my blog. I’ll smile and humbly admit that I am in fact the author, they’ll want to take pictures with me and get autographs.
          In reality, I’ll just look like another boob on the boardwalk with bad fashion sense.

    1. It is scary. The classic one is the warning on ladders about not standing on the top two rungs. It could be reworded to say “Don’t be a freaking idiot”. In fact, that would probably cover more liability than the one they actually use.

    1. Should I be honored or annoyed? I know that you enjoy my blog – you’ve said so, so I can’t imagine that you would nominate me for just any old award. I’m thinking of pulling a Marlon Brando and have some native American reject the Academy on national TV.

      Regardless, I’m honered. Thank you.

      1. You should be hannoyed. Oh, and you can pull all the Marlons you want, but don’t forget that chicken sacrifice deal or the Harpies will be unleashed…

  1. Oh, sure, now you give us these guidelines. After I’ve already driven cross country while reading your posts, used them in place of a life jacket while skiing, and enjoyed them while paragliding and bungee jumping. Oh well, I now understand the five hours of uncontrollable laughter I had. Better late than never…

    1. Now I understand why your comments are usually so favorable; clearly it’s not my writing so much as your elation at having survived reading it.

      By the way, you don’t look all that waxy in your picture.

      1. I know, right? Those wax workers did wonders with my doppelganger.

        Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m taking one of you posts to read while skateboarding down my busy street…

  2. I’ve got an extra arm for you, crubin. They arrived (I work in a simulation lab for a nursing college – I had to change out IV arms on our mannequins) packed in those styrofoam peanuts – inside the package was a note that said “not for human consumption”. Did they mean the arm or the “peanuts”?

      1. Clearly the 7 Deadly Sins contributions are taking their toll on our fair k8edid.

        I was just lamenting how Wine Spectator never has any good articles on wine pairings for packing peanuts or manequin arms.

        As Hannibal Lechter taught us, a nice chianti goes well with such exotic, hearty fare.

      2. For the record, if you offer up one of those used arms as a prize for a contest, I’ll make damn sure I win. I need an arm to go with the prosthetic leg I’ve been toting around. For the record, I still have both of my God-given legs and all ten toes.

        1. Hmmmmm, for which contest should I offer the arm up as a prize. I also have some, ahem, anatomically correct models that might work for the “Lust” contest, if you’re interested…

          1. Do you even have to ask? Catheter practice? On a quasi-related subject, I was saddened to hear that some physical therapy programs are now offering computer-based anatomy instead of good old fashioned cadavers for gross anatomy to save money.

            1. It is no wonder I thrive in this virtual community – my job is running the simulation lab for the nursing program – we have a 10 bed “mock hospital” with mannequins – some quite sophisticated, computerized, wireless 3G, and one actually gives birth…I made “simulated” blood, vomit, feces – I don’t even live in a real world any more. Educational facilities cut corners wherever they can, and students love technological stuff and, in fact, would rather have a virtual experience…nuthin beats a good cadaver, though. Nuthin.

              1. You’re preaching to the choir sister! In the hundreds of college courses I’ve taken, gross anatomy was hands down the best one.

                I feel bad for those nursing students when they get out and deal with the real thing. I’m assuming that none of the computerized patients is morbidly obese or infested with scabies.

                Guess you gotta leave something fun for them to experience out in their clinicals!

    1. Glad you liked it. As is the case with list based posts, I either have too many options or too few.

      Hope you’re not just praising my writing because you’re suffering delusions from the belly buster diet and you’ve mistaken me for a juicy talking burger.

      1. Ha no, they’re genuine. I had a cheating day yesterday. Lots of wine and meat. Oh and supreme enchilada flavored Doritos.

          1. No not all. A huge disappointment actually. But that aside, chip culinary technology has reached an amazing level in the last few years. Doritos “Late Night Cheeseburger” chips, were so exact that I could taste lettuce and mustard. The Ruffles brand of “Molten Hot Wings” potato chips taste so authentic that it’s ungodly. Chicken flavored chips! It’s the little things in life.

  3. This is great! It’s both funny and serious at the same time. Very effective. This caught me off-guard as particularly witty : In the event that laughter lasts more than four hours, seek medical attention.

  4. One more rule for us simple followers: when following 1PP, make sure to keep a safe distance behind 1PP and between each other. We all hate the tailgaters, so let’s not be like them.

    1. Actually, you’re encouraged to tailgate 1PP, but only on blog posts and not on highways. You should be aware of what my wife likes to refer to as my “exhaust” problem though…

      1. Can’t we just have the same rule for everything? I mean, when I am already breaking your rules by reading your blog while operating a motor vehicle and driving on the highway, it gets so confusing – do I tailgate the car in front? or your blog? or both? or neith….(smash). I’m Ok.

        1. My lawyer just called, he says I’m not to be held accountable due to temporary insanity. It’s easy to prove, since I’m spending the better part of a holiday weekend writing blogs and sharing witty banter instead of swimming and BBQing. Get well soon. If you’re in the south Jersey area, I know a few good body shops.

          1. Thanks. I said I’m Ok. I think that was my lawyer who isn’t Ok, so you are pretty much in the clear now. So go and have fun. I should do too.

    1. Addendum: Any attempts to look like me are the sole responsibility of the imitator. 1PP Enterprises is in no way liable for unsightly head lumps and scalp wrinkles. Nicks and cuts are solely due to shoddy razor work and cannot be pinned on me.

        1. You’ve posted a link related to Justin Beiber on my comments. Do you wish to apologize now or wait for your fellow followers to chastise you mercilessly? I still accept you as you are, despite your questionable taste in links.

        1. Of course I kid. I only wish I somehow had reason to include Justin’s name in my blog so that I could double or triple my hits on it. I’m glad you didn’t apologize, I would’ve felt awful about it.

  5. Whew. I am relieved I can still drink while reading this blog. Because I’m basically drunk every time I read or comment on anyone’s blog. Also when I’m writing my own posts.

    By the way, no sex swings? Huh. What’s a sex swing? Why would anyone want a sex swing?

    1. I’ve only read about them. Apparently, there are people for whom the kama sutra is simply not enough. So, a little discrete internet shopping, a trip to Home Depot for lag bolts and 30 gauge chain, a stud finder (Haha – couldn’t resist) a little sweat equity and you’re ready for a memorable, or forgettable experience.

      1. Hmm…I think all those materials at Home Depot should come in handy when the hospital ends up putting one in traction later. Like normal regular sex isn’t strenuous enough.

        1. As long as we’re on the topic, my lawyers recommend that you not read my blog during “normal” sex either. The laughter may be misinterpreted, resulting in damaged egos and wasted Viagra.

      2. Harvey Korman said this about Viagra – “Taking Viagra at my age is like erecting a flag pole in front of a condemned building”.

  6. This is to give you notice that my washer was on its spin cycle when I read this blog entry. I’m suing you. No way around it.

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