A Deal’s a Deal

The pre-nup didn’t mention beheading specifically. I’d like to think our relationship is more civilized than that. (Image from weddingcakes.com)

You’ve probably noticed.  I haven’t been cranking out the hits as often lately.  I know, I know, calling those posts “hits” is a bit presumptuous of me.  Even so, I’ll admit that things have slowed down a little.  I’m sorry.  I realize that I’ve surely disappointed you, and to be honest, I’ve disappointed myself a little too.  As adults, we have to realize that things don’t stay the same forever, things change and that’s just part of life.

I thought this might be a good time to bring up the pre-nup we signed and the vows we shared when you first started following me.

Please don’t try to play dumb with me.  I’ve got my copy right here.  If you choose to skip the fine print or to keep shoddy records, you have no one but yourself to blame.

Anyway, it says right here in the third paragraph that you pledge to follow me in good times and in bad, in periods of bountiful, hilarious posts and in times of minimal writing with infrequent pity-chuckles.

A few lines down it grants you permission to follow others, which I think was pretty progressive of me, especially since I’m writing just for you (those other followers don’t mean anything to me, you’re the only one who matters – you know that, right?).

To continue, if we scan down to the bottom of page one, there’s the clause for unfollowing.  You have the right to unfollow me, but I’m granted 2 weeks advance notice and the right to appeal your decision via repeated, whining emails and, at my discretion, small bribes.  This is only fair, as it gives me ample time to try to scratch out a new, funny post in a pathetic attempt at recapturing the magic which we shared just a few weeks ago when our relationship was fresh and new.

I realize that introducing legal documents into our relationship makes for some potentially hard feelings.  I didn’t want to have to do this, but dammit, I’ve been hurt too many times!  Besides, these papers don’t really leave you in a bad position; you’re still free to come and go as you please.  The rider regarding clicking “like” isn’t even in there anymore!

I think we need to put these papers aside for a minute and clear the air a little bit.  You might not realize it, but my dopey posts only look like the rambling thoughts of a stooge.  I actually go to great lengths to capture the innocent child-like literary voice of a simpleton for your amusement.  It’s hard work, darn it!   What do you bring to the table?  A promise to follow me?!  That’s it?!  I’m doing all the work and all you have to do is read?  Hell, you don’t even have to do that – just stay on as a follower and let me go on thinking that you still care!  I’ll try to amuse you when and if you deem my post worthy of your attention.

I’m sorry.  I lost my head for a minute there.  I’m just in a dark place right now.  I had this Justin Bieber piece almost done and The Good Greatsby beat me to the punch.  All that time and research down the toilet.  Now I’ve got photos of that little gnome Bieber in my media library, what the hell am I going to do with those?  That and the 7 Deadly Sins competition is tougher than I thought.  After I won the very first sin, it only increased the pressure to win again or risk being branded a one-post-wonder.

He’s mocking me. His recycling can has more followers than my blog. (Image from fanpop.com)

It’s a lot of pressure, because…well…because I want to do my best for you.  Because you believed in me and followed me when no one except those other 6 people did.  I know this line is corny, but by golly, you make me a better writer.  I want to make you laugh and write me cute little comments to make me feel better about my strange view of life.  Honestly, you don’t even have to write the comments if you don’t want to  (Actually, the paragraph requiring you to make comments was struck down by the judge weeks ago).

36 thoughts on “A Deal’s a Deal

  1. I’ll keep reading, even if you don’t have a chance to unleash a Justin Bieber post on us. And yeah, GG has a knack for writing a post I was just about to write. Drives me batty.

    1. I guess it would be even worse if he wrote a crappier post than what I was working on, because then I’d really be torn as to whether to write it or not. At least now, his superior posts totally nullify any thoughts I had of posting mine anyway.

      As far as your loyalty, I can’t put a price on that.

      You’ll be rewarded with more posts, one of which may make it worth your while.

  2. The less press the Beibs get, the better off we all are in the end. See, there is a bright side to every situation. I liked this post, especially the wedding photo much, much better than giving another ounce of hype to the no talent. Sorry Beibs I’m old school and enjoy real talent.

    1. Just as well anyway, my post was not all that strong, which was the real reason behind my taking too long to post it.

      On the bright side, it’s Saturday, and I’ll have some time to think and possibly come up with something better, or just enjoy reading what everyone else has written.

  3. Don’t worry. I’m not one to break a contract. Until there’s nothing left in it for me. 😉

    I’m sure the Beiber boy is talented and all, but I can’t seem to take him seriously. Whenever I see that baby face, I just want to wipe it with a bib. He looks younger than my own babies!

  4. I just read an online quiz which required me to match a celebrity head with ugly gnarled feet in fancy sandals. It was a difficult task and I basically failed it. Perhaps if you use a quiz format, you can properly skewer and roast Bieber. At least his hair. And I’m not afraid to tell you that I saw the Justin Bieber movie and liked it.

  5. Well, I checked and we still have a few weeks together. I’m trying to not stay in any relationship longer than a a certain famous celebrity whose name also starts with a K.

    Back to my voodoo dolls – I need to make one for GG now…

    1. Good news, according to several experts, the best way to keep the spark in a relationship is to have witty banter (on comment boards or elsewhere). That being said, it’s a wonder Ms. K managed to stay married for as many days as she did!

      There’s hope for us yet!

            1. don’t worry, there’ll be plenty of fun, society will show up in their Sunday best, looking for all the world like they’re gonna behave, then one of them will spike the punch bowl with some bath salts, and the next thing you know, it’s a party!

  6. Bloggers never say die. Actually the Goonies say that. But I just wanted to be dramatic for this comment. I shall follow this blog to the ends of the earth, or until I stop blogging. So if 2013 is really the end of the world, we at least have a yearish. Continue on good sir!

      1. Oh it’s under the kitchen sink with the extra sponges and 409. We had to put it away last time, because you were drinking and playing D & D with the vases.

          1. Apropriate. When they ask why pappy is so sleepy, you can just explain it’s the “medicine”.

      1. That makes two of us. I saw the first Star Wars movie in my youth and thought it was the disneyfication of science fiction. The first Star Trek movie was a crime against the TV show. I’ve boycotted everything that came afterward.

  7. You disappear for a while, and look what happens. Zombie-like attacks in Miami, spreading all throughout the country. People start smoking bath salts and eating their friends, mass hysteria. We need guidance. How can we apply the WW1PP do principals if we don’t have our leader to model them for us?

    1. I’m glad you bring this up Victor. Clearly there’s a lack of leadership and things are going all to hell. I may have to dedicate an entire post to this matter, as addressing it here in the comments section may not have a wide enough distribution.

      Then again, since my posts usually only score 67 hits, that might not be the best way to get the message out either. Perhaps the great Mannon Kubler will repost and spread the word to an extra 13 or 14 readers.

      It’s not the front page of the Daily News, but at least it’s a start.

  8. Great post! I like the idea of a blogging pre-nup. I don’t know if I would try as hard with it though.

    Glad I found your blog. Very funny.

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