Most Annoying Television Personality – Summer 2012

[The opening song and dance number is over, the audience shifts nervously in their seats, ready for the important part of tonight’s show.  1 Point Perspective, looking awkward in an ill-fitting tuxedo and shiny shaved head, struts onto the stage, with a willowy, clueless supermodel on his arm, teetering in her heels to keep up with his long strides.  He reaches the podium and waves to his adoring fans, who are giving him the standard standing ovation and wolf whistles.  The audience finally stops fawning over him and sits down.  He adjusts the microphone to accomodate his gawkish height]

“Before we get started, we’d like to take a moment and to send out Get Well wishes to a former M.A.T.P. winner, Mr. Alex Trebek, who’s reportedly resting comfortably after suffering a mild heart attack.  Alex, hopefully you’ll be back on the set soon, looking like a big-shot brainiac when we all know damn well that you only have the right answer because it’s printed on the card you’re holding.  Hopefully, when you get back, there will be a generous number of answers in French so you can over-annunciate and remind us all that you speak a foreign language – not because you’re so darned smart, but because you’re from Canada and they speak French up there.”

Ron Burgundy! Is that you?!  You can’t hide from heart disease, not even behind a 70’s porn-star mustache. (Image from mediabistro.com)

“OK, that’s out of the way.  Now, let’s move onto this month’s nominees and name the winner.”

“Nominee Number 1: Jeff Probst of Survivor, Jeff Probst Producer.   Where do we begin to categorize Jeff’s annoying qualities?  His self-righteous, condescending tone when dealing with the character shortcomings of his contestants, when those very personality flaws are what got them on Suvivor in the first place?  His Banana Republic wardrobe?  Actually, the judges have determined that the most annoying aspect is Jeff’s habit of saying the same things, season after painful season.  Quotes such as “On my go“,  “Survivors ready!?”,  “In this game, fire symbolizes life..“, and so many more.  Jeff, we know it’s a formula and you don’t want to kill the goose that layed the golden egg, but you’ve tweaked every other aspect of the game, why not change your dialogue once in a while?  Sheesh!  Unfortunately, Survivor is in hiatus right now, so Jeff doesn’t qualify – but it’s an honor being nominated, right?  Now get off the island, pretty boy!”

The tribe has spoken 1-Point – now pack your knives and go! (Orignal Image from tvguide.com – obviously altrered for humor)

“Nominee Number 2: The entire cast of Pawn Stars, History Channel Producer.  Sadly, award rules clearly stipulate that only one cast member of a given show can be granted the award.  Any number of characters from this crack-like addiction of a show could easily qualify.  For instance, Rick can’t possibly be that smart and yet rely on experts so often.  Despite appearances, Chumlee can’t possibly be that stupid, even if he does spell his own name wrong.  Finally Corey goes by the name “Corey” in every episode despite being referred to as “Big Hoss” in the opening of each show.  After long deliberations, the nomination goes to handwriting expert Mr. Drew Max.  Loyal viewers will know that Mr. Max is regularly called upon to authenticate signatures.  He strides confidently into the shop carrying a giant briefcase, like he’s got equipment in there to diffuse a bomb or stock a small bar.  Each and every time, he opens the briefcase and pulls out…drumroll please…a Sherlock Holmes-style magnifying glass!  That’s it!  A 4 cubic foot monster-briefcase to carry one dopey magnifying glass!?  If I had to guess, I’d wonder if he has some sort of compensatory issues.”

Sorry boys, all four of you missed the cut – better luck next time! (Image from history.com)

“Nominee Number 3: Mike Rowe of The Deadliest Catch, Dirty Jobs, Ford Commercials, Wrangler Jeans Commercials, Little Debbie Snack Cake Commercials, Public Service Announcements regarding The Risks of Bath Salt Abuse, etc etc- Too Many Producers to List.  Mike, we know that actors can go their entire careers without scoring a single regular gig.  Your rugged good looks and affable personality are obviously very much in vogue today, and taking full advantage of that fact is a good idea.  As fickle as the viewing public can be, you might not have any of those 36 jobs by this time next year.  That being said, it’s getting difficult for some of us to take you all that seriously.  Your goofy Ford commercials are taking away from your serious voice-overs on The Deadliest Catch, and visa versa.  Your Little Debbie Snack Cake commercials, while gritty and tense, take away from the light-hearted fun of your working for a day cleaning out septic tanks.  Perhaps you should consider wearing a Halloween mask or affecting a wacky Dutch accent in some of the ads.”

That’s right, my hardhat has the word “CASH” on it. Play your cards right, and I’ll take my shirt off! (image from emol.org)

[1 Point drops his smile and squares his shoulders to the podium as yet another supermodel has arrived at his side, carrying an envelope which appears to contain either the name of the winner or a really nice card from Hallmark, despite the fact that his birthday is months away. He begins fumbling with the envelope, as the supermodels flank him smiling like mental patients, oblivious to all but the cameras.  The envelope finally open, he pulls out the enclosed card, glances at in obvious surprise the turns to the microphone.]

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is unprecendented.  The winner was not formally nominated, but has won nonetheless.  The winner of the coveted Most Annoying Television Personality – Summer  2012 is….Mr. Phil Liggett, Commentator on the Tour de France, NBC Sports Producer.  His British accent and thorough understanding of the world of competitive cycling is unparalleled.  After watching any two stages of the Tour and listening to Liggett, even the most intellectually compromised will know that the breakaway leaders will eventually be caught by the peleton.  The gallant efforts of the breakaway group of 4 riders will not amount to a hill of French Green Beans, despite their persevering to remain clear of the main pack for the first 135 miles of the day’s stage.  Mr. Liggett will take great pains to explain who is wearing the yellow, green, white and polka dot jerseys, despite viewers only really caring about who won the race.”

The Yellow jersy signifies the overall race leader, the polka dot jersey represents the king of the mountains, and this black shirt I’m wearing means I’m a big, big fan of Mr. Johnny Cash. (Image from tourdownunder.com)

[The music swells and the audiorium lights fade as the giant screen shows Phil Liggett holding his trophy and scowling in the dark, live via satellite from some resort town at the foot of the Alps.  It’s obviously very early in the morning there and the remote producers have pulled Liggett out of bed to give him this dubious honor.  Roll credits…and fade to commercial.  Ironically, the commercial features nominee Mike Rowe hawking Ginsu Knives.]

Advertisements

20 thoughts on “Most Annoying Television Personality – Summer 2012

  1. As I don’t watch any of these shows, I can’t weigh in, though I think the award itself is worthy. But now I must ask, what’s wrong with a Banana Republic wardrobe? Most of what I wear comes from there (or the Gap), mostly because I hate shopping, and these two sites are linked online and allow me to order from both simultaneously. A true gift to a lazy shopper. 🙂

    1. Jeff Probst is kind of the cool guy who’s dressed for the tropics, while his players are generally dressed for god-knows-what. I actually have no idea where he gets his wardobe.

      By the way, did you get notified of this post on your reader, or some other way?

      1. By email. My reader’s working like crap lately. It doesn’t update, so I had to switch to get everything by email notification. I have a very full inbox now. 🙂

  2. I also don’t watch these shows and I don’t know what a reader is but I think I always get notifications of your posts via email. I know this doesn’t help you at all but I figured no comment would have been worse.

  3. Now see, this is where that German car might serve you better.

    Since I don’t have cable TV, I’m stuck with just taking a stab at this. Um, Alex, would it be “Who is Jeff Probst of Survivor?”

      1. It’s a hard habit to break — I was raised by television. It feels like family. I had nervous twitches for days after we cancelled our cable. It’s remarkable though how much you don’t miss it in about a month.

    1. Glad you enjoyed it. I’m inching closer and closer to cutting the cable, but it hasn’t happened yet. I was amazed at how many people wrote that they had never seen any of the shows mentioned. I felt like a pariah!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s