With the start of the Olympic games, many of us are not satisfied with simply marvelling at the prowess of the athletes. We look up from our recliners, our chests covered with salt and vinegar potato chip fragments and ask ourselves why we can’t have the bodies of beach volleyball players or decathalon medalists. First of all, if you want to keep from getting anymore of those chip crumbs on your gut, you should close your mouth before asking yourself any such questions. Thank you.
Luckily for all of you armchair jocks and hot body wannabees, good old “Coach 1-Point” is here with some helpful tips.
You need to know that those chips are not the best way to go. If you insist on the chips, then for an additional push in your workout, hold the bag away from your body, so you have to reach further for each handful. Salt and vinegar chips are better than other varieties, since they start to macerate your lips and tongue before you can get all the way to the bottom of the bag. Having a mouth that feels like you gargled with battery acid is nature’s way of telling you to put a chip-clip on that bag and save the rest for your next workout. By golly, those things are sure salty – so remember to keep yourself hydrated! I suggest diet tonic water in your gin and tonics as an easy way to avoid empty calories.
There have been some commercials lately which espouse the benefits of drinking chocolate milk after exercising to replenish vital nutrients. I’ve started working out a little, and the chocolate milk afterwards really does seem to make a difference. Since my initial burst of enthusiasm, I’ve slacked off on the exercise itself, and now I just continue the chocolate milk component of my regimen. I’m thinking the addition of some Amaretto or Bailey’s, and maybe a small scoop of vanilla ice cream would make it even better. Fit-Body Super Hint: Stick with a small scoop of ice cream – you can’t expect to look like a world class javellin thrower if you put extra big dollops of Ben and Jerry’s in your post-workout Kahlua/chocolate milk energy shake!
Any athlete knows about the importance of stretching before and after exercise. Keeping the body limber will limit injuries and help you get the most out of your workout. Many stretches are best performed lying on the floor on ones back or stomach. The stretch can be controlled this way and prolonged to tolerance by the comfort of the position. Most people would agree that while a gentle stretch feels tolerable for a little while, but a more agressive stretch can be downright unpleasant. I’ve found that minimizing the force of the stretch has enabled me to actually doze off during it. My wife, who doesn’t have the expertise on exercise which I possess, has accused me of napping when I’m supposed to be working out.
1 Point Workout Key: Success in stretching needs to include being on a comfortable floor which your spouse is not trying to vacuum.
Most of us know that a long run or trip to the local healthclub can be both boring and time consuming. “Coach 1-Point!” you cry, “I just can’t find time in my busy, workaday world to work out!” First of all, don’t use the word “workaday” – you probably work 8 hour shifts in an office building if you’re lucky enough to have a job. My blog statistics show you’re unlikely to be slaving away in a steel mill or mining diamonds in South Africa. The good thing to know is that many of your typical daily activities can be substituted for formal exercise. For instance, doing a load of laundry burns roughly the same calories as when an Olympic athlete does their laundry. Power 1-Point Uber Workout Advice: To add a super-challenge to your workout, skip the machines and beat your clothes on rocks down by the river.
Accessorize Accessorize Accessorize !
Anyone who’s been paying attention to all of the stories about the Olympics knows that having the right warm-up suit and gear is critical. I suggest getting a permanent marker and crossing out “China” and writing “USA” on the tags to keep from having negative media attention (Unless you’re from China – but according to my blog stats, you probably aren’t). You’ll need to choose your accessories wisely, as some of that stuff will put a dent in the old wallet. Those prosthetic legs cost more than your car, and don’t even get me started about the sneakers the Dream Team wears! Your best bet is to emulate the swimmers.
You can score a snazzy pair of goggles, a swim cap and a chamois for less than the price of dinner out at a French restaurant. Also, you can buy a pair of spandex bike shorts instead of the high tech bathing suits to save another couple of bucks. If you go with the bike shorts, steer clear of the ones with the butt pads sewn into them, they will not help your look. On another swimming related topic, you may want to skip shaving down. Though body hair can slow your times by as much as a thousandth of a second, it can also help to hide some of the imperfections. A creative man-scaper can actually give the illusion of washboard abs, simply by shaving the belly hair in horizontal bands. For the ladies, consider a one-piece suit with the added aerodynamic benefits of a Spanx insert. Mega-Power Disclaimer: In the event that these helpful workout hints don’t give you the results you had your heart set on, you can always go with the blazer and hat ensemble popular at the closing ceremonies.
Check back in for more helpful hints and remember our corporate tag line – “It only takes 1-Point to win!”
77 thoughts on “Summer Workout Tips From “Coach 1-Point””
My steady routine of 12 ounce curls and power ice cream scooping has kept me in the fine physical condition I’m in. I’m not changing a thing. Except maybe the channel. How many calories in surfing?
I meant “calories burned” in surfing, of course.
I bet you look just a fabulous today as you did in your nurse’s uniform in your profile pic! those 12 ounce reps really keep you in tip top shape. of course, to bulk up, i’ve been doing 16 ouncers…not to brag…
Well, I don’t want to look like one of those East German “female” weight lifters, Dave.
good point…and yet another reason to stay way from the bike shorts with the padded crotches!
Wait, those are padded?
really only the seat parts…
Sure, Dave. Sure.
That’s no way to talk to Coach 1-Point!
Especially on National Chocolate Milk Day. Who knew?
I’ll drop and give you 20 (zzzzz’s that is!!!)
i actually worked out after typing that…when I came upstairs for my chocolate milk reward, we were out!! The only thing we had were chocolate milk straws, which are essentially straws with chocolate kernels suspended in the middle, which turns the plain milk to into chocolate milk as it passes thru the straw. A nice concept, but tough to suck thru, even with Olympic caliber lips like mine!
Oh, heavens – I misread that – it’s actually Milk Chocolate day. Perhaps I should lay off the tequila. Perhaps.
on my third tequila…it occurred to me that all that work on the straw probably burned a few extra calories….mmmm…feel the burn!
I admire your dedication to improving your health…
all in a day’s work Katy…all in a day’s work.
If I don’t lay off the tequila I’ll be doing some floor work here soon…
we can compare hangovers tomorrow
I’m glad that I’ve been able to not have massive regrets over the bathing suit pic…you guys are classy…that’s what you are, classy!
It is a very nice picture…now if it had been bike shorts…
I only have the ones with the padded ass
Very clever! I will take some of this advice to heart. 🙂
all things in moderation…too much diet tonic water can be bad for you.
Then I’ll have to increase the gin portion a bit.
clearly you’re already a highly conditioned athlete
see that!? every one of those exclamation points is part of a calorie you just burned!
Great! I could do that all day long, between gins of course. 🙂
screw the cap onto the bottles really tight…then you’ll have to work harder, and the tonic won’t go flat
Well, you are just chock full of great tips!
Well…I feel it’s my duty to help others, and writing this was a lot easier than volunteering at a soup kitchen or something
Very admirable. You’ve helped me considerably. 🙂
My pleasure. Now go out there and make me proud!
Yes, sir, coach! Have a great day! I have to go to a wedding. 😦
Super Mega Workout Tip: No Parking On the Dance Floor!!
Okay. Actually, wouldn’t even consider it.
I’m betwixt and and between on this whole exercise thing. If I want my jeans to start fitting right, I’m going to have to start exercising again. OR… I could not exercise, and just go buy new ones. Shopping! (Admittedly, shopping is a lot less fun when you feel fat, which just means the only things I buy are pretzels, chocolate, and ice cream…) OR… I could just blame the tight jeans on too much salt. OR… Better still, I could just blame my parents.
And I’m so jealous of my dog and just how much “stretching” he gets to do…
Blame your parents and envy your dog. Nothing dysfunctional about that…nope…not a thing
Hilarious! The description of those chips couldn’t be better….one bag of those and you can kiss your tastebuds goodbye.
Good point! Knocking your taste buds out of the picture has got to be a good thing if you want to be built like a bronze medalist in fencing.
goddermn you. this is hilarious. i want more ‘alternative workout ideas’ along the lines of the beating clothes on the river. may i also suggest, “running from a mugger” or “fighting off a pack of rabid dogs with a shrimp cocktail fork” — i’d call those “the poor man’s crossfit.” bwwwaaahhhhhaaa. sperf. i like to make noises with the keyboard. it’s what i do.
I’m glad you liked it. Originally, it was just about the chocolate milk, but I caught Olympic fever. It’s a shame that it’s the summer games, because we miss out on the idiotic sports of the winter games, at least it beats watching reruns of Storage Wars.
damn, dude, you’re ripped… chill with the steroids, already!
I’m not juicing Freddy…I’m old-school like that…(I think I am…i’m not really sure what that means)
me neither. I love to use words I don’t understand, it makes life more fun!
We’ve missed you around here Freddy. Have you been out leading an actual life instead of blogging constantly? (Since I’m blogging constantly, I assume that living an actual life is what people do who aren’t blogging)
Yep, guess so! I’m a lazy bastard (or vice versa). Life gets in the way. Thanks for the shout-out, nice to know I’m missed!
It’s commendable that you admit to being lazy when you could have fabricated some incredible story of why you’ve been MIA, making us all feel like slacker-bloggers.
“Sorry I’ve been off the radar, i was in Borneo teaching primitive cultures how to purify their drinking water and market their crafts in a global economy. What’ve you been up to? Still writing blogs about being constipated?”
Borneo or bust!
bring me back a souvenier!
I drink chocolate milk every day. Why didn’t I think of adding Kahlua to it before? Brilliant.
My niece and nephew were recently staying with me (both teens) so I had to do load of laundry roughly every 10 minutes for three weeks straight just to keep up. It really is a workout trying to rip those wet clothes out of the washer. I think I might even have some muscles in my arms now…somewhere underneath all that flab…
I know the muscles under the flab deal…I often brag about my six-pack abs which I keep hidden under a protective layer of belly fat.
I am currently writing a post about the things my daughter (who’s five) says to me. Last week she grabbed my arm and said, “Hey, Mom? Where are your muscles? I can’t find them.”
Oh Snap! I’m fortunate to have only 21 and over offspring, though my kids had some gems in their time. Now the grandkids come over and abuse me…it’s much cuter when grandkids say it
I look forward to being a grandma, that’s for sure.
before you know it…in the blink of an eye…it’s like some kind of bizarre scinece fiction for me to be a grandfather…i love every second of it, but i’m still so young…i’m still so full of life..i’m still…ACK?!! who’s that old geezer in my mirror?!!
I love the idea of creative manscaping. I’m gonna shave me some abs this afternoon. What? Don’t all chicks have hairy bellies?
Your attempts at self-deprecation fall short. Despite the yoga foot discussion, tales of walking with rats perched on your shoulder, and washboard abs made of sculpted belly hair, it’s plain to see that you are nothing but the picture of sophisication and elegance…by the way, you have a rat turd stuck in your sweater…right there next to the poodle
Oh, thanks. If it’s not rat turds on my sweater, then it’s boogers. The humiliation never ends.
I stand by my elegance comment. Sweater boogers…thanks for the visual imagery, I’ll treasure it all day.
I take the dog running with me, and am thinking I’ll adopt his warm-up strategy. Jumping up from a dead sleep, running to the door, stretching one leg for .3 seconds, then running in circles until someone opens the door.
My dog is a female, so her regime includes the full squats as opposed to the leg lift.
Excellent. Blast those quads.
That bitch really works out hard!
Eating really fast burns a lot of calories. If you eat fast enough, and get your heart rate up to the proper speed, it’s almost like you’re canceling out your calories altogether.
having three brothers and a mom who typically cooked around 7 helpings of family dinners, i’ve always been a speed eater, even before people tried to make it a competitive sport. I’m still dumbfounded that synchronized swimming is an Olympic sport, but wolfing down 287 hot dogs in 10 minutes is a freak show! Where’s the justice, mannnnn?!
LOVE this post. My best exercise tip? You can burn mad calories by ordering other people about. If you have some tiny humans in your life, this is great because you can get them to do all sorts of things, the gullible little suckers. I mean I don’t have scientific proof this works, except that I do it, and I’ve become quite skinny (and, it has to be said, mean) 🙂
You’re an inspiration to us all. Are you sure you’ve become skinny due to the exercise of bossing them around, or is it because they eat part of your share of the food?
In fact, maybe I have a worm 🙂 Who knows!
a worm?….damn that mezcal!!
Great post–your pic as endorsement for your diet and exercise program should make you a zillionaire in no time.
For a zillion I would’ve left the shorts off and stood on my head…
I will take absolutely an opportunity to drink chocolate milk. Thanks for giving me another one, 1point!
just remember if you add ice cream and liquor, do so in moderation, so you will have supplies for your next workout!
What about the seasonal ketchup chips? I like ketchup chips.
I had no idea that condiments had risen to the level of snack chip. This is both disturbing and inspiring. Mustard could not be reached for a comment.