I’m certainly not the first person to shake my head in amazement at hair-brained scientific studies which waste crazy amounts of government money finding out that donuts make us fat or that, on average, dogs like to turn around 2.7 revolutions before lying down. Though I admit to wondering whether dogs south of the equator turn counter-clockwise like the whole water-down-the-drain thing.
It’s understandable that we have issues with public monies in the form of grants and such getting used for frivolous studies when there are tens of thousands of us who could have used that money to get iPhones and European sedans.
Let’s not waste any more time pissing and moaning about stupid “scientific” misuses of tax payor dollars. I’d rather focus on the wasting of other dollars. Money which I never really had any claim to in the first place; funds raised by foundations and groups for the pursuit of one holy grail or another.
I read about the most recent expedition of teams of scientists flying to the furthest reaches of the South Pacific trying to find Amelia Earhart’s crash site. When and if someone finds it, everyone will be like “Oh! Thank Goodness! Now we know conclusively that her plane went down and she died” Does anyone really doubt that happened? Does it matter to anyone whether she was killed in a crash? Is there really any chance that she survived and lived off of poi and roasted sea gull until being rescued by local fishermen, who sold her into the lucrative white slave markets of Tonga?
What about the romance angle? Earhart was flying with navigator Fred Noonan. They left Papua New Guinea on July 2, 1937 and were never seen again. Isn’t it possible that the two of them just wanted to get away from it all and build a happy love nest on some small atoll? How has no one ever pursued that angle?
The big appeal of the Earhart disappearance is that no one knows for certain, and these people really want to know, definitively, what happened. I can understand the itch of not knowing and needing to to know something. Still, there are plenty of other mysteries which we don’t have an answer to, but have generated a fraction of the funds toward solving.
I’d like to propose that they spend less of that private money on finding Amelia Earhart and more of it on finding Big Foot. We already have plenty of evidence that Amelia existed, and have lots of facts about her exploits, except the very last thing she did. Bigfoot, on the other hand, has been much more elusive.
There have been reports of Bigfoot’s existence for a great many years in cultures around the world. He’s known by different names in different parts of the world, including Sasquatch, Yeti and Shaq. This creature has lived in our world for thousands of years, and yet we have no evidence of him. No fur, no definite tracks, no bones or remains, not even a single turd.
Let’s let those facts sink in for a moment shall we? There is no trace of Bigfoot really. These giant creatures have lived in the wilderness for all these centuries and have managed to pick up after themselves and refrain from carving their initials in a single sequoia. They’ve been so fastidious about not leaving a mess behind that some folks point to the lack of a physical evidence and question whether Bigfoot even exists.
We humans, on the other hand, can’t even make ourselves a cup of coffee and have a morning sit-down without leaving carbon footprints which are visible from outer space. Considering the wreckless pace at which we’re driving the planet toward becoming a globally-warmed, trash-island-having, toxic waste site, we need to find Bigfoot and soon. Without his secrets for clean living, we’re doomed.
As long as we’re on the subject, in thousands of years, the Loch Ness Monster has polluted less water than the average 30 minute jet-ski rental. This is likely due to the fact that, unlike Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster doesn’t actually exist. I mean come on, people, you can’t really believe that nonsense, right?
53 thoughts on “Lemme Tell Ya How To Spend That Money”
Just found out that the lady Bigfoot pic was supposed to have been destroyed by the husband, now it’s all over the web and she’s pissed. He better use his stealthy ways to hide from her.
We have a lake monster near to where we live. Years ago, the cottage people who live around the lake used to hold a “Monster Mash” party, invite all the kids and scare the crap out of them around a big campfire. Those days are over…no more kids around. The fault of the lake monster? We just don’t know.
Some of us are thinking about submitting a grant for government funding.
PS — I’m not lazy. 😉
Lazy is an acronym for Luscious Artistic Zany Yeti. So it was a compliment in the Bigfoot community.
This is a very funny and astute post. Thanks for the laugh!
As long as you dont take me seriously, we’re good!
Some of the best humor is sharp satire. There are always grains of truth to be found.
Don’t I know it. I shoulda known you’d catch me in a half-truth disguised as humor!
Bigfoot has not left the building. Here with me. In my flat. Runs around all night with kitty litter on the bottom of extra big feet…spreading granules and grit on floors and rugs. Sheds hair on furniture. Damn tired of the clean-up. At wit’s end.
Yours for the getting.
My long-suffering wife has tolerated the many things I track around the house with my giant feet for decades. One more set of tracks may push her beyond her limits.
Nice pic upgrade by the way.
Taking that as a definite NO! Crumbs!!!
Happy to see you’re feeling better…
I’m shocked that Childhood Relived hasn’t checked in with a “Harry and the Hendersons” reference. Maybe she’s sleeping in this weekend.
The Loch Ness monster exists for one simple, critical reason: the world is soooo much cooler if it does.
Kinda the same reason we’re here, huh big guy?
I bet Bigfoot and the Loch Ness can both be found living somewhere in the Maine woods. Hell, maybe even Amelia went off course and ended up here. My dad used to say Jimmy Hoffa retired here and worked in the hunting department at L.L. Bean’s.
Maine–a great place to get lost and stay lost.
You make it sound so appealing. How are the winters up there? Should I pack my shorts and flip flops?
I really can’t get past the Sasquatch photo. Clearly the boob job was not performed by Hollywood’s finest, which leads me to believe she is still living in a wooded area, perhaps near lawn gnomes that are posing as plastic surgeons.
When they aren’t hawking travel sites, they love to pose as surgeons. They have Napoleanic personalities, it’s a wonder they don’t run for public office.
Hahahahaha! Oh, they should so run for office. Just think of the material that would give us…lol!
I can just imagine their campaign promises. Pledging to keep rabbits out of the flower bed, and to give your yard the look of an enchanted village. They’d demand that we spend more on defense, especially the threat of neighborhood punks on mischief night.
I want some scandals…what happens in the garden, stays in the garden.
Tea Pot Dome in an actual teapot.
This is just a cool post. And how can you deny Nessy her right to exist?! 🙂
Creative license. I had to wrap the post up before it turned into a manifesto. Thanks for the “like”
I’m still rofling at “not even a single turd”…ha. Very good post.
Glad you enjoyed. Most of my posts will eventually have some turd reference in them – so feel free to enjoy!
Then they must be Masterfeces (© me, 2012)!
Damn! You beat me to the copyright!
I wrote a sonnet (of all things!) about masterfeces of literature like Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey…ever since I’m dedicated to spreading “the word”. Feel free to use it! (but attribute it to le me ; )
Butt of course (typo intentional). Feel free to scroll back to find my version of 50 shades…it’s titled 47 shades of pink, and actually contains an illustration draw by me (that’s right, I’m a freakin renaissance man!)
Sorry…that was lazy and rude of me. Here’s the link to make it easier for you: https://1pointperspective.wordpress.com/2012/06/06/forty-seven-shades-of-pink/
Well then…let’s force each other to read each other’s shit:
At least I was able to find out what TAE stood for. Here I had thought that you were just an ardent fan of Thomas Alva Edison.
I was abbreviated by a Clown…no relations to Mr. Edison.
not le clown I hope
Le Dude, exactement!
ah so…le clown has never been receptive to anything I’ve written to him, so i stopped trying. If i want rejection, i can get it elsewhere
Now I’m scratching my head, if I could only think of the next hair brained idea, then could raise enough money and buy the island next to Amelia’s. I went to see Lewis Black this weekend. What wonderful glorious rage he has and he had the guts to tell an entirely Washington DC audience that both political parties SUCKED.
We saw Lewis in AC at the Borgata. He is amazing. His parents were at the show and we said hi to them out amongst the slot machines.
We are getting sick of the money wasted her in Michigan looking for Jimmy Hoffa.This post had me laughing.Big Foot,Huh!
Between Hoffa money and the food stamps you give lottery winners…may she rest in peace.
Of course the Loch Ness Monster exists! What’s wrong with you?
I’m just a cynical old coot, i guess
Well, I rode a bicycle around Loch Ness many years ago and I’m quite certain he was in there somewhere, probably on the other side. But Big Foot? Now that’s a stretch. Glad to see you writing again. 🙂
I agree. I would like to see money spent on finding Big Foot. They must have a nice little or big family by now!
You’re the one living in the Rockies! Tell Sasquatch we said hello
I thought he lived in the Pacific Northwest, but by now, he could be anywhere!!!!!!!!
He could be in Jersey. We wouldn’t notice.
I heard that Amelia Earhart landed in the North Woods and took up with Sasquatch. Scientists are still raising funds for the expedition to prove it.
There is a really good reason to choose to go on Amelia Earhart-finding expedition versus going on a Bigfoot chase: when you look for Bigfoot, you’d have to go into cold and damp mosquito-infested wilderness in the middle of nowhere. But when you are looking for Earhart’s crash site, you’ll be visiting at least a few exotic tropical islands in the Pacific.
that point actually crossed my mind, but then I thought of the descriptions of the equatorial pacific in a book I once read called “The Sex Lives of Cannibals”. I highly recommend the book, though it may shatter some delusions you may have about being the next Paul Gaughin.
At least there is a book about the sex lives of cannibals. But I don’t think anyone lived to write a book about the sex life of Bigfoots.
I want to believe.
…and so you shall. As I pointed out to an earlier commenter, I just needed to wrap up the post before it turned into a manifesto.