Walking Dead While Talking Logic

Let’s make this clear: I enjoy “The Walking Dead”.  You can’t beat the dramatic interactions, the plot twists, and the extreme nature of a life in a zombie-filled world, where hope is all you have.

Who doesn’t love zombies? Can we have a show of hands – assuming zombies haven’t eaten your hands yet (Image from podcast.teachercast.net)

My love of the show is predicated on my having to be able to accept the premise that the world is largely populated with zombies, and that if you let your guard down, even for a minute, one of them might just sneak up and take a bite out of you.  Before long, you’ll either be eaten by a horde of them, or turn into one yourself.  Without the acceptance of the premise, the show is totally silly.  Modern medical science tells us that there is no such thing as a virus or disease which turns people into mindless, flesh-eating zombies.  The nightly news tells us that bath salts will do the trick.

I’m okay with embracing the premise, but I have my limits.  Anyone who’s ever gone to a horror movie will tell you that you have to accept certain things to be able to enjoy the experience.  For example, no one in their right mind would ever go into the haunted house at the end of Creepy Lane, and certainly not at the stroke of midnight on Friday the 13th.  No sane person would open that door at the end of the hall when there’s all that scary sound-track music playing.  People in horror movies are notoriously stupid when it comes to their choices.  If you’re going to enjoy a movie or TV series of this ilk, you simply need to surrender your logic for a few minutes and enjoy the ride.

Fans of the show will tell you that the story isn’t really about the zombies.  After all, zombies, or “walkers” as they are also called, are mindless carnivores.  There’s no real opportunity for character development when it comes to these hungry guys and gals – it’s just lurch, attack, hiss, and re-lurch.  The meat of the Walking Dead story is the interactions between the survivors as they try to stay alive.  For the most part, the very human emotions and difficult decisions they are faced with are what make the show compelling.  Luckily for the cynical viewer, there are so many zombies that the survivors don’t have to make the typically foolish decisions we’ve grown accustomed to in the horror genre.

Be that as it may, I need to point out a few things about the show which are sticking in my craw like a poorly chewed piece of Hershel’s calf.

Premise:  Once infected, every zombie develops incredibly sharp teeth and jaw muscles which allow them to have the destructive biting power of saber toothed tigers.

Bullcrap:  Despite hyper-trophic jaws and a disregard for pre-existing dental shortcomings, we are expected to believe that a weak spot has developed in the front of the skull of each zombie, allowing survivors to kill them with the poke of a stick to the middle of the forehead.

In the spirit of writing a “green” blog, I’m re-purposing images from previous posts whenever possible. This guy may have been infected with the zombie virus, but his teeth still look like he just came from the orthodontist. (Image from zombiecombatcommand.com)

Premise: Wild animals don’t run away from people now that most of them are zombies.

Bullcrap:  Wild animals are wild, and having the majority of mankind turn into killer-jawed eating machines will not likely make an owl or a deer any less afraid of a human.

Fer Chrissakes Bambi! Didn’t you see season one when the zombies attacked and ate a horse?! You need to stay away from humans! (Image from jnace.net)

Premise:  Without an infrastructure, things like gasoline delivery don’t happen anymore.  Early episodes showed characters dodging zombies while looking for gas.

Bullcrap:  Now that the show appears to have landed a sweet little product placement promotion with Hyundai, the days of looking for fuel are gone.  As a bonus, the responsive handling of the Sonata is great for dodging the undead in the middle of the road.

This Hyundai Veracruz will outrun even the fastest zombie and there’s plenty of storage for pointed sticks and flashlights! (Image from cargurus.com)

Premise:  In the first two seasons, survivors had to be frugal with battery use, as new Duracels were even rarer than gasoline.

Bullcrap:  I can’t keep the flashlight in the kitchen from being dead every time there’s a blackout, but in the catacombs of the prison, these guys suddenly have tons of working flashlights.

The great thing about this baby is that you can also use the back end of it to pierce the egg-shell thin zombie skull just above the bridge of the nose (Image from dansdata.com)

Premise:  Hillbilly Daryl has three arrows in his quiver, and almost always has one loaded and ready to fire in the crossbow.

Bullcrap:  He never runs out.

Daryl has three arrows, and the same number of shirt sleeves as Larry the Cable Guy. (Image from walkingdead.wikia.com)

Premise:  Zombies are slow, lumbering creatures and are easy to shoot.

Bullcrap:  No one with a gun ever misses, except for the one lady, who missed so badly she almost hit Rick in the foot – but after that, she didn’t miss again.  Oh and Otis missed the tame deer and shot Carl at the end of season 1.

You’ll never get a good head-shot on that zombie if you keep looking at her ass! Focus, Carl, F-O-C-U-S !! (Image from tacticalfanboy.com)

Premise:  Bullets are getting scarce, especially after the survivors shot up the prison grounds killing zombies who could have been dispatched with sharp sticks.

Bullcrap:  Bullets won’t be in short supply for long, rumor has it the producers are currently in negotiations with Remmington brand ammunition for a product placement deal for hollow points starting next season.

I used this before for another post. It was a pain in the ass to draw, so using it a second time eases the painful memories of struggling with badly drawn thumbs.  (Illustration by the author)

Premise:  Lori is conflicted by her situation.  She’s going to be bringing what appears to be Shane’s baby into a hellish world filled with flesh eating ghouls and very few quality daycare centers.

Bullcrap:  She’s got a big bun in the oven!  Between the swollen ankles and the hemorrhoids, she shouldn’t be able to escape the zombies.  Even a mindless walker will be able to identify her as the weakest member of the tribe as well as a two-for-one in the eating department.  Can’t she get eaten, please?

While Mexican beer is off-limits to pregnant gals, Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia with a few dill pickles is still a favorite for those late-night cravings. Lack of refrigeration pretty much kills that option though – no wonder Lori is so bitchy! (Image from knowyourmemes.com)

27 thoughts on “Walking Dead While Talking Logic

  1. I desperately want Lori to die in childbirth. When she went to talk to Hershel about that it was like she was somehow attuned to my most cherished thoughts and hopes. I love this post. I was also wondering about gasoline and the arrows, and why this show got so painfully boring.

    1. Success ruins many things…look at this blog for instance: I used to be funny and critically acclaimed, but since the big Ben and Jerry’s endorsement deal and the morbid obesity which followed, I’m too full of myself to write much good stuff anymore…

      I kid of course. For the record, Ben and Jerry’s, while a fine product, has yet to send me so much as a coupon, despite my suggestions for new flavors, including Heroin Nut Crunch.

      As for Lori, I was amazed to find out that she hadn’t lost the baby in the convenient car crash last season. Don’t the writers know the TV code of trauma? If a pregnant woman is in a car crash, she loses the baby – it’s in the rule book!

      My only hope is that the baby hisses instead of cries and breast feeds a little too vigorously. Daryl may have to step in and shoot an arrow through its little head. Then Lori can turn bat-poop crazy. Carl could also have some sibling rivalry issues and “accidentally” leave his bastard have sibling out in the yard when there’s a herd of walkers moving through. Really, these are the only options, plot wise.

      By the way, welcome to my world, feel free to scroll back and read some of my other drivel.

  2. Yeah, I’m still hooked on the series, but I vow to quit watching if they don’t instill a bit more hope into the episodes. Can’t take the unrelenting eating of characters, who seem to be quite dispensible. I’m okay with suspending disbelief for a while. I try not to question the logic of the show. My big question has to do with why these zombies can’t run or climb fences. They have the strength to take down a healthy man, but can’t climb a stupid fence? But it is quite entertaining. The gore is getting old but the ongoing struggles and character development is good. Yes, Lori is irritating. Incredible how her young son has morphed into the Terminator.

    1. Zombies can also apparently tie their shoes. In the season 2 premiere, the cast hid under cars on the highway, while hundreds of zombies shuffled past in lurching, awkward gaits. In amazement, I noticed that every single lace was tied in a pretty bow. The rest of their clothes are tattered and covered with gore, but their shoes looked like they were fresh from Payless.

      I’m kind of a pain in the ass that way, and my wife occasionally wears ear plugs during shows. She misses dialogue, but at least she doesn’t have to hear my whining with complaints of breaks in continuity.

      Speaking of continuity, Shane WAS bitten on the arm in an episode early in the second season, but I had to rewind to see it. No mention was made in the episode.

      I hope I haven’t ruined the show for you. i do think it’s a good show, and I’m glad they’ve found a prison, as I was telling my wife early in the first season that they should find a prison or an island. She might have had her ear-plugs in though.

      1. Oh, no you didn’t ruin it for me. The prison thing was a brilliant way to keep the show going. Once it’s secured, they could be quite safe. I was already planning their “victory” garden for them. They will need to go to the local nursery to get some seeds or somewhere. I forgot that Shane was bitten early on. I was kind of sad to see him go. I thought he was pretty integral.

        Yeah, I hate that shoe lace thing!

        1. I don’t know much about guns, but I’m fairly sure that silencers are largely illegal, and very hard to get. Suddenly Carl has one though. At this rate, he’ll be shaving soon…he’s already getting in position to hit on Hershel’s youngest daughter. Gosh, kids sure grow up fast in a zombie infested world!

  3. There you have it. The true reason I avoid bath salts. And a flashlight is my only item on this year’s Christmas list. Preferably one that works a second time before it breaks. I want something really heavy duty. I need to be prepared for the zombie apocalypse.

    The cameo by the world’s most interesting man in a zombie post? Very apropos. Stay thirsty, my zombie friends!

    1. I created that pic for my whiney post on being left out of the Ben and Jerry’s fun posts by many of my so-called blogger friends. I liked it so much, that i had to cram it in wherever I can. I just change the caption and viola, it fits!

    2. I’m asking Santa for an inflatable raft and some seeds. When the zombie invasion happens, I’m going to find myself a nice island, row out there and start my own new society. Bring your flashlight and some chicks, man!

        1. As you may have noticed from the show, there’s a little bit of a gender bias. You’re gonna have to let me hold the flashlight there, Lil’ Missy. They can be dangerous in the wrong hands. You can cook us some beans. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to teach my 12 year old son how to shoot a handgun.

          On second thought, you look really cool in those shades, so you can keep the flashlight…I may have to rescue you later though, just to prove my manliness.

  4. How the virus works need some explanation on the show. When a character got bit in the leg can he be saved by amputing the leg? I’m going to go with it because I’ve grown to like the character.

    1. I know a little too much about amputations, and i’m already growing skeptical about Hershel’s chances. To be honest, he looked pretty bad during the axing scene. my guess is that he’ll survive for a while, as he’s a voice of reason and a man of (veterinary) medicine

  5. I thought season 2 was disappointing after the incredible tautness of the first arguably inevitable with a premise as thin as zombies (which is why they’re good for movies, not so much for longer narratives). Season 3 I’m optimistic about, based on that first episode.

    The Hyundai thing is silly, though. Not as silly as little kids shooting moving targets between the eyes with a pistol from 30 feet away, but silly.

    1. It’s hard to believe they’re talking about preserving ammo now after 2 full seasons of shooting constantly…especially after they’ve discovered the lack easy kill of a flashlight through the front of the skull.

  6. Thanks for pointing all of this out and saving me the effort. I enjoyed the first few episodes of The Walking Dead but I found myself shaking my head more and more. There were too many things that didn’t make any sense and I found myself frustrated that characters were so frequently doing the absolute stupidest things.

  7. With this kind of negativity coming from you, I don’t know if we can go zombie hunting anymore. I need a positive attitude at all times.

    1. My deepest apologies – I’ve been incommunicado due to a brief junket out of the country. My negativity is not toward the zombies, I love them and their Ezy-Crush skulls. It’s the writers and survivors who get my goat. Be that as it may, I understand if you’d prefer zombie hunting without me.

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