The World Ends in 2012, or is it 2013?

Excuse me people, I’m really out of touch.  I think it was the Mayans who predicted the end of the world in the year 2012.  Maybe it was the Incas.  It could’ve been the Amish – I just don’t know and I don’t care to Google it right now.  I’m sitting in my kitchen while my house and town are lashed by the early stages of “Frankenstorm”, a.k.a. “Hurricane Sandy”, a.k.a. “Rainy-Days-and-Mondays-Always-Get-Me-Down”.  Maybe thumbing my nose at the end of days isn’t such a good idea under such conditions – but dammit all to hell, I’ve got to write! (plus, there’s not much on TV).

The Mayans may have predicted the end of the world, but they didn’t count on the ass-kicking, all-terrain ability of my Jeep Grand Cherokee. Yesirree, this baby is built for the end of days. (Image from scenicreflections.com)

Pop culture gurus and doomsday types have latched onto this whole 2012-end-of-the-world thingy.  It’s interesting that they waited until like 2009 to do so.  I guess that’s because up until then, everyone had predicted 2000 – or “why-too-kay” – to be the finale.  One thing is for certain, if the world’s going to end, it’s going to be due to some catchy-named package.  Anyway, now that we’re closing in on 2013, they’ve all quieted down a tad. 

It’s funny, but my impression of those ancient civilizations didn’t include their understanding or acknowledging our current calendar, so I don’t quite get how they picked 2012.  I’m really hoping the true translation wasn’t “2012-ish…you know, give or take a couple of cycles from Ix Chel, the moon goddess.”

At any rate, it’s typical of modern society and Hollywood to embrace the end of the world part of the prophecy, but ignore the rest of the ancient culture.  They conveniently left out the sacrificing of virgins to Xyl-Chtep the Sun God and the regular interpretation of chicken innards to predict the coming drought and baby genders.

No, no, ancient cultures, it’s NOT okay to kill people to appease Xyl-Chtep, and it’s certainly not politically correct to single out the virgins.  The Sun God will have to go without an offering this week.  If you’ve got a problem with old Xyl-Chtep, I’d suggest a little something with an SPF over 30.

I picked up this Mayan plate at a yard sale. My friend Betty says it means the world is going to end this year, but I just like the bright colors.  It looks fabulous hanging in my foyer! (Image from endoftheworld-2012-12.blogspot.com)

As for reading chicken guts, we prefer Kindles and Us Weekly for gossip about people called “Kardashians”.  Also, while we accept your thought that the world will end in 2012, we reject using corn husks to wipe our heinies after we drop a deuce out behind the pyramid.  This isn’t Survivor – we prefer our Charmin 2-ply and a nice porcelain throne.  A little privacy would be nice, and the latest National Enquirer if you have it, I need to catch up on what Britney’s doing these days.

So anyway, I wrote those paragraphs unaware that within a few hours I would be plunged into darkness for a week or so.  No sooner had the lights come back on then I flew out of the country for another week.  Now I’m finally back, with electricity and half an idea as to what time zone I’m in.  It’s been a short strange trip.

I’m only posting this to prove to my loyal readers – both of them – that I’m not dead or a Power Ball winner – though I’m bound to be at least one of those two things eventually, and you don’t need an ancient culture to predict that!

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33 thoughts on “The World Ends in 2012, or is it 2013?

    1. Stock it with vodka and muscle relaxants – they’ll be the new currency. Also, get the Eddie Bauer package, it’s luxurious yet rugged, like Daniel Craig in a suede G-string (at least that’s what I heard).

  1. After you wrote a post about buying a lottery ticket and then disappeared for weeks, I did think you’ve won. But now I see you pondering how the world is about to end, and now I know you did not win, because that’s a common reaction of a first-time lottery ticket buyer who does not win. So, welcome back.

    1. Thanks for the welcome back. Perhaps you can offer me more lottery help: I wrote a detailed list of which color Bentley I was going to buy and narrowed my list of Tahitian villas for sale down to a manageable number, but then I lost. I’ve since bought more tickets with money I had orginally earmarked for groceries and the cable bill. My question is this: should I make a new shopping list? Maybe Bentley isn’t the luxury car for me, and Tahiti is a long flight (or so I hear).

      1. My advice is that you should earmark money for a new grocery list. Forget about Bentley: I hear its trunk is not convenient for hauling groceries from your nearest Walmart, and that Bentley chauffer is more of a hassle than help with that. I do not recommend going to Tahiti either, since I think that WordPress does not work there. At least anyone who goes to Tahiti for some reason stops posting stuff to WP.

  2. Have never been accused of being official…but it sounds important so I’ll take it.

    Not to worry re: comments…the FBI/CIA are locked away in a sound-proof room throwing dice for the “I Spied You First” and “King of the Mountain I’m Top Dog & Don’t You Forget” victor-ship. We are the least of their worries…..

    1. I was more concerned with my other loyal readers, who might perceive themselves as the loyalist of them all.

      I’d write more, but my personal biographer just showed up with a chilled bottle of bubbly and a couple of glasses. I think she wants to hear more about my childhood.

  3. I’ve always wondered what it is in us, as humans, that LOVES end-of-the-world scenarios so much. I don’t even think I could count on my fingers & toes the number of times the world has been ending just in my lifetime. And yet people believe completely in them. And then, when *gasp* nothing happens, instead of feeling silly and re-assessing, they act like they never thought it in the first place and move on to the next one.

    It’s one of those things that makes me far, far more vexed and irritated than is rational.

    1. Lord knows, we hate to see you vexed. Speaking of vexed, imagine my emotions when I discovered that I had snagged the coveted “Featured Blogger” spot on your blog and squandered it by not writing anything for weeks. Stupid hurricane! Stupid, lazy 1-Point!

      1. Well, and stupid, distracted me with the new baby to not take 10 seconds to say “Hey, you’re my featured blogger!”.

        On the plus side, I’m still so distracted, the world will have probably ended before I get around to a new “featured blogger,” so plenty of time (well, at least a month a 4 days).

  4. I bought a powerball ticket today – was running out of things to write and figured posting about spending 214 millions might take me through the end of the world. Glad you’re back and not terribly inconvenienced by Sandy.

    I’m sitting here trying to decide if I could stand the dust for another month or if I should spend a few minutes of my remaining precious time cleaning this place up. Maybe I’ll decide after the powerball drawing…

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