A New New Years Eve!

Don't get all nostalgic for the New Years Eve of yesteryear - this kid is wearing a cloth diaper and is likely wearing a Depends by now!  (Image from pinterest.com - first New Years Resolution - stay off of Pinterest for another year)
Don’t get all nostalgic for the New Years Eve of yesteryear – this kid is wearing a cloth diaper and is likely wearing a Depends by now! (Image from pinterest.com – first New Years Resolution – stay off of Pinterest for another year)

New Years Eve is poorly scheduled.  Someone had to say it, so I did.  New Years Eve can’t come close to beating the anticipation, pageantry and greedy hype of its gorgeous step-sister, Christmas.  Now that Dick Clark has passed, we’re free to think outside the box.  We need to seriously consider changing the date for bringing in the New Year.

Stop for a minute and try to name your favorite claymation New Years Eve TV special.  That’s right, there isn’t one (unless you count Don Ho’s New Years in Hawaii: So Long 1972 – Aloha 1973!– which was panned by the critics and technically only included a brief clay-mation segment featuring the voices of Jim Nabors and Larry Storch).

Let’s face it, New Years Eve showing up just after Christmas is like lighting a 10 cent firecracker right after the finale of a 4th of July fireworks extravaganza.

What’s the big lure?  Counting backwards to zero from ten and then yelling “Happy New Year!” ?!  Seriously?  The space program pretty much trumped the whole countdown thing years ago.  NASA gets to zero and then hurtles human beings and monkeys into outer space in giant rockets!  What does New Years Eve do when it gets to zero?  It drops a big ball a couple of stories over the course of ten seconds.  Technically, it doesn’t even drop the ball, it lowers slowly on a pole.  When the ball reaches the bottom, it doesn’t even smash or explode or anything.

We're gonna shoot this cute little guy up into space in a rocket when the countdown gets to zero.  What are you gonna do at zero?  Lower a big ball?  Really?  (Image from cellar.org)
We’re gonna shoot this cute little guy up into space in a rocket when the countdown gets to zero. What are you gonna do at zero? Lower a big ball? Really? (Image from cellar.org)

Once upon a time, when people wrote in their diaries with quills, it was a big deal to the change the year.  As if such a big transition needed an exclamation point, people kissed their dates at the stroke of midnight, then they blew out the tallow candles, said their prayers and went right to bed.  Times have changed.  Twelve midnight is the new 8:30 PM.  How else can you explain seeing families with small children out eating at Applebee’s at 10:30 on a weeknight?

As for the big New Year’s kiss, Christmas wins again, with a little something called mistletoe.  You just hang that stuff up, get a tumbler of eggnog, and wait.  Sooner or later the object of your desire strolls under it, and there you go.  No watching the clock, no “one-time-only” restictions.  Savvy bachelors will locate the mistletoe in high lady-traffic zones, like near the bathroom or the wine coolers.  Since it’s some kind of poisonous weed from the middle ages, most people don’t even have any idea what mistletoe looks like.  One year in college, I just stapled a piece of a plastic fern up there and got busy.  None of the girls cried foul about the fake fern – though most of them seemed to avoid the first floor bathroom after that point.

I realize that society needs to change the year at some point, in order to force people to buy new Garfield calendars and to give themselves the opportunity to hope for better times to come.  I’d just like to propose that we save the big New Years Eve celebrations for the end of January and New Years Day on February 1st.  Truth be told, February is a sad excuse for a month, from a holiday perspective; it’s got Groundhog Day and Valentines Day and not much else.  It’s almost insulting that all February gets is a holiday dedicated to paying attention to an otherwise forgotten, smelly, over-sized rodent.  Groundhog Day isn’t all that special either.

If we move New Years Eve to the end of January, everyone can walk around with hangovers and resolutions to start exercising on February 1st.  We won’t miss out much on New Years Day celebrations as far as January 1st goes.  Most of the college bowl games have already been scattered all over the months of December and January.  The Mummers Parade in Philadelphia can go on as scheduled on Jan. 1, since no one watches it except Mummers and their kinfolk anyway.  The traffic won’t really be much worse just because there’s a string band in the middle of Broad Street dressed like Liberace’s lawn jockeys.

On the west coast, the Rose Bowl parade can be pushed back to February 1st.  Just think how much more impressive those floats will be with an extra month available for preparations!  They can still play the football game on January 1st.  Everyone knows that the parade is the most important aspect of the Rose Bowl anyway.

Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for future posts, where I’ll propose more alternatives for making the world a better place for all of us, but especially me.  These include moving the nation’s capitol from Washington, D.C to Orlando and revising the traditional colors for baby genders from pink and blue to polka dot and plaid.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to start drafting my New Year’s resolutions – I’ve only got a month or so to put them together.  Things are going to be different for me in 2013, I’m counting on it!

30 thoughts on “A New New Years Eve!

  1. I think moving it to February is brilliant. I’ve always hated that month. Groundhog’s Day is always a disappointment and Valentine’s Day is a joke. If New Year’s was a month later, we’d all have enough time and money to actually give a crap it’s a new year.

    1. Great minds think alike, and so do you and I.

      It’s snowing here in the Philadelphia area. It may amount to as much as an inch! I’m going to go ahead and re-read your news bulletin piece to save myself the trouble of turning on the TV.

      New Years Resolution #17: Stay on topic during blog commenting
      New Years Resolution #32: Write remaining resolutions in proper numerical order.

  2. Yes, the fizzle is pretty much gone by the time we get to New Year’s Eve. We’ve stuffed ourselves with Christmas sweets, and are tired and grouchy as a result. And my poor husband is really doomed, because his birthday comes shortly after. I just don’t have much celebrating left in my bones. But he doesn’t care. As long as I make him a German chocolate cake from scratch, he’s a happy little clam.

    1. Your hubby’s B-day is shortly after New Years?! MY B-day is shortly after New Years!!

      I’d speculate that perhaps you and I are married, but I’m seldom as happy as a bivalve, especially around this time of the year.

        1. January 3rd – I know you’re too polite to ask. I’ll send you an email with my sizes.

          You’re clearly so nice to the man (cake?…from SCRATCH?!) that you’re not making his hair fall out any faster than nature dictates.

  3. Promises. Promises…
    Counting on you to provide me (meaning me) (personally me) with a new and improved “different” 2013. I don’t care what you do or how you do it…and I’m not talking about a new pair of barn boots….or a new can of yellow paint…or new and improved dates for tiresome old events. I’ll just wait here patiently in the corner…for the “different” to begin.

    1. Ouch….was I drinking when I said that?
      Still sitting in the corner…now with my face to the wall…muttering apologies.
      Can you delete that? I’m too busy to do it myself…putting duct-tape over my mouth and throwing my keyboard in the rubbish bin…..thanks.

      1. “rubbish bin”? I thought you were in the PNW, not the UK! I’m so confused.

        Please don’t toss your keyboard unless you have some other method for consistently pumping up my ego and inspoiring me to write more.

    2. I was sitting here wondering about just how I would be able to provide you with what you requested (and undoubtedly deserve) when I saw your second comment. You’ll have to kmake up your mind, sister. Am I supposed to provide you with an improved 2013 or disregard the request and – gasp – delete it?

      1. What? You didn’t find my first comment so offensive that you cancelled my birthday altogether as opposed to just changing the celebration date? I try to be so funny….which I thought my first comment was…hilariously funny. Then I sent it off to you…My Barn Buddy. Then I re-read it. Funny? Not so much…sounded like a Harpy…please…not to be confused with the musical instrument.

        However 1pointnowBarnBuddy…yes, I do deserve “different” in 2013. We all do. We, as in ALL of us…you and me and the rest of us. Delete comment or not…I find the comment so unlike the SoundofMusic of my own voice. Sounds like the cows have gotten out of the barn and I’m yelling (as in screaming loudly) for the cows to get their bums back where they belong. You decide. After that….get
        busy…you’ve got a long hoe to row if you are up to making my life not only new and improved…but different. I’ll wait…in the corner. Quietly.

        PS. Yes, currently live in PNW. Lived in UK for a good while and go back “home”
        often. However…not often enough.

        1. I’m glad we cleared THAT up!

          Without getting preachy, it seems as if 2012 is making a concerted effort to finish on such a note of horror and evil, that 2013 will have to work extra hard just to be comparably awful.

          The voice in my head was not that of a harpy when I read any of your comments, though an English accent was creeping in. Which didn’t quite fit in Oregon or Washington.

          Don’t worry about me vastly improving and changing your life – I intend to continue writing my blog, and if my sparkling vocabulary and rapier wit don’t do the trick, I may have to fly out there on vacation or something. Luckily my wife is already on board for an Oregon coast vacation next summer. You and I can meet, have a latte, exchange barn boots and you can see the rest of my face.

  4. Hmm, I’m not convinced I’m afraid. A lot of people regard the bit in between Christmas and New Years as a kind of No Man’s Land, so would we now have a whole month of aimless nothingness if we moved it to the end of January?

    1. Good point. As it is, in the U.S. the only businesses which are actually productive between Thanksgiving (late November) and the Christmas holidays are the retailers who sell Christmas presents, wrapping paper and antacids. If we moved New Years to Februarty 1st, there’s a chance no one would accomplish anything until sometime in March. Of course, the productivity would be short lived, as the St. Patrick’s Day national hangover for amateur drinkers will take up the latter half of that month.

  5. Lovely! This little corner of Portland awaits the arrival of Mr. and Mrs. 1point. My town…I’m buying the lattes!! And yes, I agree…2012 is working crappy overtime…perhaps not the year itself…but the people elected who make it so?
    Inspire me. Inspire us.
    Make it so 1point…..

  6. I was never a fan of New Year celebrations, so I’m all in for a date change. February is a very busy month in our house, so the end of January seems like a perfect fit. Oh, I couldn’t agree more with the polka dot/plaid change as well….so long overdue.

  7. I have a perfect solution for you: celebrate Chinese New Year! It is conveniently located on February 10, right between Groundhog day and Valentine’s day, and it involves a lot of fireworks and dancing dragons, and not freezing in the crowd waiting for a huge plastic apple to drop. Or you can try it the Eastern Orthodox way, celebrate New Year’s first, and then have Christmas a week later.

    1. Always good to have options. I’ll be turning in around 10 on New Years Eve, and will likely be woken up by firecrackers a couple of hours later. When I wake up in early 2013, I’ll begin my formal request to have the nation’s capitol to Orlando, so tourists can learn about government, then enjoy an afternoon at the theme park of their choice.

  8. The only good thing about New Year being when it is is that you get that week between Christmas and New Years Day. So if we could still have a holiday and move New Years Day I’d be all for it.

    I once read that because the Earth orbits the sun and there are no milestones along the way, the choice of Jan 1 as new years day is one of the most arbitrary things man has ever invented. Even moreso when you add in the whole leap year problem. So the response was that because the orbit around the sun is continuous, the new year can, and technically does, start on any day. So if you play that logic out, you could theoretically have new years day every day.

  9. Wasn’t there a New Year’s baby claymation show? Am I making that up? He had a big top hat to cover his fabulously large ears. Come to think of it, I guess they tanked it. I like New Years Day and the black-eyed peas. My husband’s birthday is tomorrow, therefore it’s not New Year’s Eve but his birthday. We like to remind everyone celebrating what the real reason is. Ha.

    1. Happy birthday hubby! I don’t know if you imagined your version of a claymation new years eve, i certainly made mine up. I figured Jim Nabors would be the voice of the innocent new baby 1973, and grouchy Larry Storch would have been father time.

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