Follow Me On Twitter N C My Nu Bangs!

{I was recently Freshly Pressed here on WordPress.  For those of you who aren’t WordPress bloggers, just know it’s a big deal, with the most important by-product being the wholesale harvesting of new followers.  Lord knows, I grabbed my fair share of new disciples.

The big challenge now is not writing some disappointing piece of crap for my next offering.  After slaving like a dog for months to finally get a bunch of new followers, I don’t want to scare them away this soon.  Be that as it may, I’m going to write about the following topic anyway.}

When I was a kid, a hundred years ago, the news was not fun viewing.  The screen featured a very serious looking man, wearing a suit, sitting at a desk with some papers in front of him.  He’d tilt his head slightly at the camera, cock an eyebrow above the frame of his horn-rimmed glasses and tell America what had happened that day.

No screaming like a Banshee when these guys were on.  They were giving America the news, not yabbering about Ruth Buzzi and giving birthday shout outs. (Image from anchoringamerica.com)
No screaming like a Banshee when Huntley and Brinkley were on. They were giving America the news, not yabbering about Ruth Buzzi and giving birthday shout-outs. (Image from anchoringamerica.com)

My brothers and I seldom stuck around to see what the anchorman had to say, as it wasn’t very entertaining in our estimation.  Our Dad would yell at us to “stop screaming like Banshees” so he could hear it.  Maybe if the news featured them, we would have sat down quietly and found out what the hell a Banshee was in the first place.  Instead, the only visual breaks in the action were usually maps of Southeast Asia or stock market graphs.

Of course, time changes ones tastes, and now I occasionally want to watch the news.  This was the case the other day.  The house was devoid of  Banshees, and the wife and I sat on our respective ends of the couch and watched Diane Sawyer on ABC.

Diane Sawyer is an attractive woman, not necessarily by TV standards, but certainly by news standards.  She also presents the news like a kinda-foxy aunt telling bedtime stories.  As the newscast wound down, a picture of Michelle Obama flashed on the screen behind her.

Can you see anything different about Michelle Obama?” Diane asked us viewers, her voice lilting and mischevious.  Then they cut to commercial.  Some guy in a khaki shirt was telling America about a quick and easy way to manage the tartar build-up on the teeth of our dogs.  I glanced over at my wife and made a wrinkled kind of face, as if to ask her about what had happened to Michelle Obama.  I got no reply to my non-verbal query.  My wife had looked back down at her Kindle as soon as the commercials started.  For the record, the non-verbal communication between my wife and me will be the focus of an upcoming post, in case you think I can’t top this one for dull topics.

I was annoyed at Diane Sawyer for teasing me and the rest of America with this First Lady topic.  I’m not worried about Mrs. Obama.  She seems like a strong woman and I’m certain there are plenty of staff eager to make sure she comes up with great healthy snack ideas for the kids and always has an outfit to wear that looks sassy yet refined.  Still, as the commercials for reverse mortgages and erectile dysfunction medications droned on, I wondered what it could be.  It’s funny that bullying is illegal in America, but teasing has been allowed to escalate into an art form.

Diane Sawyer doesn't mess around when it comes to the news.   Here she is interviewing Michael Jackson.  She was so glad that she thought better of wearing her own gold-plated catcher's shin guards - that would have been SO embarrassing!  (Image from bet.com)
Diane Sawyer doesn’t mess around when it comes to the news. Here she is interviewing Michael Jackson and Elvis’ daughter. She was glad that she thought better of wearing her own gold-plated catcher’s shin guards – that would have been SO embarrassing! (Image from bet.com)

After what seemed like an eternity, Diane Sawyer was back, smiling patiently, as if it were my idea to wait 4 minutes before finding out the answer.

She briefly recapped the question for those sleepy audience members in the back of the classroom who didn’t hear it the first time.  Then she dropped the bombshell.  Apparently there were two things different about Mrs. Obama.  The first was that she had started her own Twitter account and the second was that she had changed her hairstyle to one with bangs.  The first lady had bangs!

That’s NOT news!!” I screamed.

My wife’s attention was startled away from her Kindle and the dog quickly got up and slunked from the room, not sure if she was in trouble.  I could hear a low rumbling sound as Walter Cronkite and David Brinkley spun in their graves like rotisserie chickens.  I turned to my wife to expound further on this travesty of news reporting only to discover that she had already found where she had left off and resumed reading her electronic romance novel.

I looked back at the screen as Diane gushed about the exciting topic of the wife of the leader of the free world having a Twitter account.  For the record, if my dog could type a little better, she’d have a Twitter account too.  If she did, she may well have left the room earlier to “follow” Mrs. Obama on Twitter and not because of her assumed guilt.  As for the guilt, I didn’t find that chewed up pair of boxer briefs behind the recliner for several more days.

I let it all sink in.  As if changing ones hairstyle isn’t upheaval enough, Michelle had started Tweeting at the same time.  Talk about a busy day!  Before I could wrap my big, bald head around it all, Diane moved onto the next story.  There was a scratchy recording of a little girl being interviewed on an old time radio show.

Do you recognize that voice?” Diane cooed.  Another question?  One tease after another!  This wasn’t the news, it was pop-culture trivia torture.  If she kept this up, Sawyer would make Pat Sajak look like a Nobel Prize laureate.  This time, she was kind enough to give us the answer without going to commercial first.  It turned out the little girl in the recording was none other than actress Betty White, who had turned 91 years old that day.

Betty White is in an American treasure (not to mention the last “Golden Girl” still standing).  Every birthday is a milestone, and the closer she gets to triple digits, the more newsworthy it becomes.

The standard format of any news show is that you start with the biggest story first, then work your way down to the filler and fluff.  By this framework we can deduce that Michelle Obama’s hairstyle/Twitter account story ranked higher than Betty White getting older.  I’m embarrassed to admit that I even took the time to consider this.

I guess I should be thankful that my kids are too old to have been in the house interupting my time watching the news.  What kind of father would I have been if I had shushed them so that I could properly hear this drivel?  Truthfully, I think I would have preferred screaming Banshees to listening to what Diane Sawyer had to say.  Oh well, at least she’s nice to look at.

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38 thoughts on “Follow Me On Twitter N C My Nu Bangs!

    1. Darling, your fellow fanclub members will understand your having missed that little Freshly Pressed thing, since you had read my post about online dating long before the powers that be deigned it worthy of being FP’ed.

      To clarify the second question – no, I am not nice to look at. In fact, my appearance borders on what kinder critics have termed “odious”. Luckily, my rapier-like wit often blinds people to my actual looks.

      Diane Sawyer is nice to look at, but only in contrast to the stereotypical 1960’s male TV anchors like Chet Huntley. She does not hold a candle to TV hotties like the Dick VanDyke Show – era Mary Tyler Moore or Get Smart-era Barbara Feldon.

      I thought you’d be happy for me getting FP’ed and all. Don’t worry though, my pre-FP followers will always stay near and dear to my heart (which has never been described as odious).

  1. To be fair, Betty White isn’t the only one getting a year older this year. I thought most people do too. But congratulations to all three of you! You on FP, Betty White on her birthday, Michele O on having enough free time to join Twitter and getting a haircut. (as in real news, I went by importance) Now off to find and read that Freshly Pressed post – how did i miss that?

    1. It was the one on online dating, as a loyal follower (lemming), you likely already read it.

      I was kidding about the lemming crack, that’s just me trying to sound cool and failing – my apologies.

      1. Well, you know how we lemmings are, we always fall through the cracks 🙂 But yes, I have read it when it came out but I think I decided to skip commenting on it so it does not appear as though I am stalking your every post. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed once again, well deserved! And on making WP return some of old format.

        1. I’m actually prouder of getting them to change their format back than I am about being Freshly Pressed. Of course, there’s no definite proof that they changed it because of my little rant, except the “coincidence” of my being Freshly Pressed immediately afterwards, which takes away a lot of the buzz from being FP’ed in the first place! Run-on sentence much?

  2. I’m glad I’m a seasoned follower and not one of the new harvested crew. No I have something to rub in their faces. As for the news, you are so right! What is considered “news worthy” today is insane. The local news in lame enough without having the World News report ridiculous pieces. The other night there was a story about Honey Boo Boo’s uncle being banned from the show. Note: I doubt people who are concerned about Honey Boo Boo’s relatives watch the news, let alone the World News…unless it’s on the cartoon network.

  3. Ah yes, the post-FP post. Daunting. Unwinnable. A noble follow-up, though. I gave up on watching news because I’d spend the whole time muttering, “6 minutes and no news… 9 minutes and no news… 12 minutes and STILL no news…”

  4. **And this my new friend is yet another example of why I don’t waste alot of time watching the so-called News anymore..It is NOT news! Its become either celebrity drivel (as IF I care what they do day-to-day; I’m far 2 busy living mine) or negativity about one thing or another..Negative intake can have a negative impact on my inner-light and I’m not trying to dim that. I do keep up with current events & whatnot ..But I prefer to read my news online(that way I can quickly browse over what I want to; and skip if I like. Unlike once you’ve heard something on the news can’t delete it from my mind..) IF I had to comment on the 1st Lady’s new “doo” though? She looked alot better without the bangs…

      1. **Slapping forehead!** I’m so glad my brother turned me on to over seas and very informative news sites…Believe it or not there are still venues , created to report the news, that actually DO report real news. Our country has gone way too Hollywood…To mayhaps distract us from whats truly going on??!? Hmmmm . The good news? We can still find the news/current events/world happenings if we go in search of it…Gotta love the Net!

  5. Ooh FP’d! Congrats! I just had a look back and it seems that I liked the post that was FP’d but didn’t comment on it. Phew, well at least I liked it, so I was part of it in SOME small way.

    The things that are deemed newsworthy are quite incredible at times, I agree.

  6. Ack…I missed this one, too. Your posts no longer show up in my reader…along with about half of my other favorites. Perhaps the price one must pay for FP? I’m going to unsuscribe and resubscribe and see if that helps…

    Oh, I am so glad I am the only one that screams “THAT IS NOT NEWS” at the television. It’s a joke. That I don’t get, apparently.

    Nice post-FP post. Wait. Did I say that right?

    1. You said it right, of course.

      The whole “reader” thing is bizarre. I get posts from people who I followed then dropped months ago. (Sometimes I hit “follow” and then 2 or 3 posts later, reconsider).

      I just plug along, thinking that formerly prolific posters have decided to focus on writing their novels only to discover that my reader isn’t showing posts from them.

      On the bright side, it’s nice to have you following me, again!

  7. Back in the day, when I liked to watch TV news, I liked Fox news for their balanced approach. But what’s always bugged me is how the female anchors have to be wet-lipped, cleavaged Miss Americas. Even if they’re brainiac attorneys, for goodness sake, they have to look the look.

    How come I don’t see Bill O’Reilly wearing sleeveless dresses? Because one wears a JACKET to look professional on the news. (grumble, grumble)

    1. If Bill O’Reilly is going to wear a sleeveless dress, he better hit the gym first, or his Newt Gingrich tattoo will look sadder than usual…and for God’s sake, Bill, put a string of pearls around that neck. Didn’t they teach you how to accessorize back in your days on the cable access channel?!

  8. First, I missed you!!!!!!

    Second, so happy you were Pressed!!!!!!!!!!! Congrats, my most deserved friend.

    Third, a Golden Shatner? That must be the best blogging award EVER! Now I want one. Hear that? I must have a Golden Shatner.

    Fourth, you are going to love my next post…which will also address the topic of Michelle’s bangs.

    Fifth, I just want you to know that I love your blog. Always have; always will.

    Sixth, live long and prosper (yes, I will settle for a Gold Nimoy award, if necessary).

    1. ‘Scuse me while I blush. In the spirit of full disclosure, the Golden Shatner Award was a pity-award, bestowed upon me by blogger and award creator Victor Tookes after he read my whiney rant about not being Freshly Pressed a while back. Of course, now that I’ve been FP’ed, the post is moot.

      I’m looking forward to your Michelle O. bang extravaganza, though you may be missing out on writing about Beyonce’s lip syncing.

      So much news, so little time!

        1. That’s the amazing part. Everyone is talking about her lip syncing, but no one has noticed that it was done to a mediocre version originally recorded by Tiffany in a mall appearance outside Kenosha Wisconsin in 1987.

          1. Yeah, I’m hearing that the music she sang to was a recording because she didn’t have the opportunity to practice with the Marine band. I didn’t think it was was of her best performances. She was straining to hit the high notes and had volume issues with the microphone.

  9. Congratulations on the FP thing!! Also, thanks for clarifying why I don’t watch the news. If it’s not fluff it’s sensationalized, uninforming drama.

    1. Also, someone recently mistakenly thought that I’d care to know that only 10% of people can pull off bangs successfully, so perhaps that helps explain it’s significance? Bangs head on pole.

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