Auggie DiNapoli’s Travel Tips For Politicians

See if you lie like this, you get that sexy armpit tan.  Of course, you can't get any tan with a suit on - I'm a politician, not an idiot! (Image from update dot gawker dot com)
See if you lie like this, you get that sexy armpit tan. Of course, you can’t get much of a tan with a suit on – I’m a politician, not an idiot! (Image from update dot gawker dot com)

NJ Democratic Senator Robert Menendez went on two, 3-day trips to the Dominican Republic at a cost of roughly $58,000.  As an inquisitive sort of fellow, I’d like to know how anyone can spend $29,000 apiece on two short trips to a the Dominican Republic?

For those of you who are not familiar with the Dominican Republic, here’s a brief overview.  The D.R. is 2/3’s of an island in the Caribbean – the other 1/3 of the island is known as Haiti.  It’s a hop-skip-and-a-jump away from any east coast airport.  The Punta Cana region of the Dominican Republic is an especially popular vacation destination offering many resorts for budget-minded travelers who yearn for some fun in the sun.

In order to understand how Senator Menendez could have spent so much money going to such a nearby, economical destination, I’ve brought in Auggie DiNapoli, travel expert and owner of the website to help.

That nail salon used to be the home of DiNapoli's Travel Depot.  I moved into modern times and now I operate outta the rec room.  Who needs a fancy desk when you got a ping pong table - am I right? (Image from green prophet dot com
That nail salon used to be the home of DiNapoli’s Travel Depot. I moved into modern times and now I operate outta my rec room. Who needs a fancy desk when you got a ping pong table – am I right? (Image from green prophet dot com)

1PP:  First Mr. DiNapoli, I’d like to thank you for visiting my blog.

Auggie D:  My pleasure, One Pea.  Hey, call me Auggie!  I appreciate this chance to clear things up about travel costs.  You can always come to for great deals on airfare, car rentals and travel packages.

1PP:  That web address is interesting.  How’d you come up with it.

Auggie D:  I had my heart set on fly with auggie dot com, but it was already taken.  So I dropped the “h” offa “with” – that’s how you pronounce it anyway, right?  Turns out some lady in Orlando wit a little weiner dog named Auggie had snatched it up.  She likes to post pictures of her dachshund in action-shots jumpin in her pool.  She coulda chose “swimmin wit weiner dogs” – that woulda been fine wit me.

So who knew these weiner dogs could fly?  More important, who cared, right? (Image from pets for sale dot co dot za
So who knew these weiner dogs could fly? More important, who cared, right? (Image from pets for sale dot co dot za)

1PP: OK.  Sorry I asked.  Let’s get to the question at hand.  How could anyone manage to spend $58,000 on two trips from New Jersey to the Dominican Republic?

Auggie D: Well, I’d try callin his office, but Senator Menendez prolly aint talkin.  If he don’t wanna talk to the FBI bout it, he aint likely gonna talk to Auggie, am I right?  My guess is he spent around 35 large on the first trip, learned a lil bit about travel expenses and then only dropped like $23,000 on the second one.  That’s a lot cheaper than the first go-round but hey, that’s still a lotta cabbage.  You can’t figger some political guy’s gonna learn much quicker than that though, right?

1PP:  I hadn’t thought of the possibility that he spent different amounts each trip.  Even so, $23,000 still seems like an excessive amount of money for a three day trip.  Do you have any tips for Senator Menendez on how to cut his travel costs further?

Auggie D: Sure!  One thing, right off the bat – chartering a private jet aint cheap.  That’s gonna really eat up the dollars.  He coulda flew down there for like $1500 first class.  It aint that long of a flight, so he wouldna got more than one meal and a glass of domestic champagne in him, but that wide seat is a nice perk for the fat cats.  Plus, they give ya them hot towels to wipe yer hands wit – that’s classy, huh?  He coulda really saved some dough if he sat back in coach – those seats are only like 150 bucks.  He wouldna got no food or champagne though.

1PP: How about accomodations?  Surely there are some bargains to be had.

Auggie D: Absolutely!  There’s bargains galore down there!  I got two words for the Senator: All Inclusive.  Punta Cana is packed with all sorts of options for all-inclusive hotels.  They cover everything!  You got your buffets, your well drinks, and even shows at night.  It aint Broadway, but you get enough mai tai’s in you, who cares they don’t know all the words to the show tunes, am I right?

1PP: All inclusives!  I bet the senator wishes he thought of that as an option.  How else could he cut costs?

Auggie D: I’m thinking he coulda saved even more if he woulda gone down to the conference room off the lobby and listened to the time-share sales pitch.  It’s only a couple of hours, there’s no obligation and the whole rest of the night is “me time”.  Just don’t buy one – you aint gonna be a senator forever, know what I’m sayin?

1PP: This is great advice!  I hope the rest of Washington is paying attention.

Auggie D: My pleasure, 1 Pint.  Another budget buster is getting sick away from home.  Stay away from that suh-vee-chay stuff and if possible, you wanna bring your own snorkelling gear.  Those rental fins won’t fit and you don’t wanna find out what nasty types of diseases can grow in those mouthpieces.  By the way, when I talk about dirty mouthpieces, I’m talkin about snorkels, not Washington lawyers!  That’s a little joke I made.

1PP: Ha ha – Good one!  Well, we’re running out of time.  Do you have any other helpful hints for bureaucratic budget travel?

Auggie D: Just a couple, PeePee.  One thing, always skip that mini-bar in yer room.  If you wanna hit the sauce, stop for a bottle of rum on your way in from the air-o-port-o.  Sneak some fruit juice up to the room from the breakfast buffet and make yer own cocktails.  You dont even need to tip the bartender, cause you ARE the bartender, you know?  If you’re really hurtin for bucks, a lotta these joints have wet T-shirt contests with cash prizes.  Bring yer trophy wife or mistress down there and let em earn their keep fer once, am I right?

Listen, Bobby, I'm sure she's a smart gal, but she aint winnin' one of those contests.  You need some advice, talk to Fred Gwynne over there to her left - he'll give you some pointers.  (Image -cropped- from AP photo / J. Scott Applewhite)
Listen, Bobby, I’m sure she’s a smart gal, but she aint winnin’ one of those contests. You need some advice, talk to Fred Gwynne over there to her left – he’ll give you some pointers. (Image -cropped- from AP photo / J. Scott Applewhite)

1PP: OK, that wraps up today’s edition.  Tune back in next time when I talk with local experts about another important topic.  Remember, if you have a pressing question, put it in the comments section and I’ll round up a local expert to help me get the answers you deserve!

32 thoughts on “Auggie DiNapoli’s Travel Tips For Politicians

  1. If the senator tried to check his e-mail in one of those all-inclusive hotels, then I am not at all surprised that his trips cost $58k. The Internet in those places is a total rip-off.

      1. Off-topic on the post, but on the topic you’re obviously interested in because you are discussing it with Carrie Rubin below in depth, i.e., FP and stats…
        As you may remember, my post got FP’d on another blog just a couple of weeks before yours did. I can see the stats on that blog, and there’s the same dynamic as you see: even with more than 300 additional followers since FP, the stats now are pretty much where they were just before FP. So it’s is more like a short term boost, though it’s still a great opportunity to get extra attention.

  2. I just read an article in the paper on the luxury resorts springing up in the Dominican Republic, so I imagine one could easily blow this amount in three days. Of course, whether one should is an entirely different matter…

        1. There were unsubstantiated reports that Senator Menendez was spending quality time with ladies of the night down in the D.R. – I didn’t even want to go down that path – adding call-girls to an expense account can really skew the numbers.

            1. On an unrelated topic…I know there’s a let down after being Freshly Pressed, but my last too posts have gotten very few hits, and only a handful of likes (Thank you, Carrie – you’re one of the loyal few). Have I stopped writing entertaining stuff, are my followers not getting notified, or am I failing at keeping the posts short enough for popularity? You can tell me the truth, I can take it.

              1. Your content is still funny and original–no worries there! I do think post length weighs into it, especially for people who have a lot of blogs to read. I’ve been guilty of avoiding too long of a post myself, which is why I try to keep mine in the 300-700 word range. But I think it mostly comes down to how many blogs one visits. If one comments on a lot of blogs, those bloggers reciprocate on his or hers. At least that’s my take on it. 🙂

                Also, it’s a good idea to use WordPress’s ‘topics’ in your tags, which allows new bloggers to find you. For example, I always use the writing and humor tags and sometimes the life tag. Maybe you already do this, but if not, it’s something to consider.

                1. I try to be considerate of other bloggers and read their stuff, commenting when I’ve got something to say. It’s just a little wierd sometimes how I gewt a ton of hits and comments and then other times it feels like I can hear crickets…

                  1. I’ve found that since I started posting only once a week, I get more comments. People are busy; they can’t always stop by. I know I can only stop in on a blog once or twice a week. Just too many to follow.

                    1. I hear that.

                      It’s tough to keep up on all those blogs. I tend to only have the time to write toward the weekend, an maybe get two done, then go into stall mode to satisfy my workplace requirements until the next weekend comes.

                      I think the lack of comments is what keeps my novel on the perpetual back burner, since it’s such a solitary pursuit.

  3. I think the senator is probably just a very, very generous tipper.

    This is some truly valuable travel advice. I’m definitely looking up Auggie’s website the next time I need a getaway. Thanks, Mr. PeePee!

    1. Just making the world a little better for my readers. Auggie is looking forward to hearing from you. Things have been a little slow down in the rec room. On the bright side, his backhand is getting better.

    1. I just read about the FP stuff. Being FP is kinda like having a bunch of drunk people showing up at your house for a huge party, then they trash your place, leaving you with toilet papered trees and nachos on your ceiling, while you’re sitting there alone in a puddle of beer and wailing “come back!” It’s a huge high, then a crashing low. Good times, good times.

  4. Dave, er, um, Mr. PeePee. I don’ know how I missed this. You have fallen off my reader, again. Or maybe I read it and don’t remember – still a little forgetful.

    Augie’s advice about the mini-bar is spot on. In fact, I’ve taken to just carrying around a flask at all times. It is hard to imagine spending that amount of money in that short amount of time, but then I am used to living like a pauper (preparing for retirement).

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