I’ll Have a Venti Mocha Latte Where The Sun Don’t Shine

The upcoming season of TLC’s “My Strange Addiction” will be featuring a husband and wife who are addicted to coffee enemas.   The couple each average four of the 32 ounce enemas every day.  Personally, I limit my daily coffee intake to one 20 ounce cup, and to date, I have never poured it up my butt, not even by accident.

That TLC show just RUINED my favorite coffee mug for me!  Thanks, you A-Holes! (Image from like cool dot com)
That TLC show just RUINED my favorite coffee mug for me! Thanks, you A-Holes! (Image from like cool dot com)

To answer your logical question as to whether Mr. and Mrs. Coffee are located in Florida or California, it’s Florida.  If these Arabica-enema junkies strike you as especially odd, the show will also be profiling a woman who enjoys eating her cat’s hair.  While the micro-fiber sofa usually has a good snack-sized supply of Mr. Whiskers’ sheddings, she prefers licking it directly off of his disgusting pelt.  In the event that this lady ever teams up with the one from “Hoarders” who has 37 cats, they might form a sort of Jack Sprat-style alliance.

Mr. Whiskers (Not his real name)  (Image from free fresh wallpapers dot com)
Mr. Whiskers – not his real name – requested anonymity as he was concerned about Morris and Tony the Tiger finding out.  He was so upset about the show airing that he dropped a deuce in the potted palm out in the foyer.  (Image from free fresh wallpapers dot com – black eye bar courtesy of the author’s mad Microsoft paint skills)

The coffee enema woman declined to give her last name but had no problem showing the cameras her face and discrete self-applications of back-door caffeine.  She reported killing time during enemas by doing sudoko puzzles and catching up on Tweets.  Inquiring minds need to know if she is only reading the Tweets or if she’s espresso-ing herself.

As both a huge fan of coffee and a world-class avoider of enemas, I’m troubled by the java smuggler story.  I’m more than a little concerned that my personal love of a good cup of joe might now be misinterpreted by others.  A case in point; I was just over at the local doughnut joint asking the man in the turban for a caramel latte and an extra large black coffee to go.  He made a face which may have been due to my limited mastery of the Hindi-Urdu dialect, or it could have been something else.  Was it possible that he’d presumed I had some dark purpose in mind for these two hot beverages?  I left the store, making a show out of taking a big sip out of the scalding extra large.

“Mmm-mmm!  That’s good coffee!” I called out to no one in particular.

Still, I sensed that there may have been a few people there who didn’t fully believe me.

With no place left to turn, I came to you, my loyal readers to purge my soul, if not my colon, with my thoughts on the world being Chock Full o’ Nuts.  It’s a sad day when one dopey TV show taints the identity of us coffee lovers.

  • This disturbing practice gives the phrase “Something’s brewing” a whole new meaning.
  • It’s just one more thing to make tea drinkers feel superior.
  • Those people put the “uck!” in Starbucks.
  • There’s no truth to the rumor that they’re considering changing the slogan to “Good to the last plop
  • Care for a cup of demi-ass?
  • Constipation may require a French Press
  • Leaving yourself without sufficient access to a toilet after your coffee enema could result in latte in your culottes – also known as cu-lattes
  • This could also lead to cappucino in your chinos
  • Aficionados are known to spend a few bucks extra for Jamaican Poo Mountain coffee
  • That’s funny!  Jim NEVER has a second cup of coffee at home – I wonder if it’s because I use my lower G.I. system as a decanter

I could go on and on, but I’ve got to get cracking on my post about the cat-lady with the eating disorder.  It’s only a matter of time before she hacks up a hairball and then everybody will be writing about it.

Please enjoy the oh-so-topical video clip I’ve entered from Youtube below.  It’s my very first attempt at a video link – let’s hope it works as effectively as a quart of decaf going the wrong way up the exit ramp.

102 thoughts on “I’ll Have a Venti Mocha Latte Where The Sun Don’t Shine

  1. Hey!! Joe, whaddya know! The video worked,as did my reader (for once). I was not at all surprised that the back-door coffee addicts are in Florida. When I moved here I was astounded at the number of “colon health” establishments that have proliferated.

    I was brewing a shot of my morning elixr when I started reading this – but now can barely face the steaming cup. Maybe I will invent a new machine that brews and delivers to the orifice of your choice. A sort of Keurig-to enema bag-to toilet set up. Could be my claim to fame. I’ll call it the Karamel Kaffe k8e-Kleanse.

        1. Settle down, Sugar. You’ll do great with your invention – just let the idea percolate for a little while in your mind and don’t grind your gears worrying about competition. Idea thieves are just drips.

          1. I’ll have ample grounds for a lawsuit – since I clearly outlined my idea right here on your blog. Once my brilliant invention filters down to the right patent office flunky…I’ll milk it for all it’s worth…

        1. At my station in life, I’m all about looking for fiber. Maybe we could meet for dinner at the early bird special and compare notes. I can’t linger though, because I don’t like driving at night with these pesky cataracts.

                    1. As repugnant as licking the cat is, it’ll really turn my tummy if the lady sits on the windowsill, kicks her foot in the air and tries to lick herself. I’ll turn the channel, I swear I will.

                    2. You’ve got a point, 1point.

                      Now, back to dinner. As long as you aren’t feeling a little too frisky, I could go for a dinner – something simple – I’m not up to a fancy feast.

  2. Almost 30 comments but only one “like” – this is like every high school dance I ever went to. Speaking of sophomores, no one has even pointed out my use of the words “taints” or “cracking” yet!

          1. As much as I’d love to continue this cat-chy repartee, I find I knead to get some chores done this morning…so I will have to let you have the last word this time…

  3. Dear Lord! I was hoping you made this up, but since I watched an episode of this insane show where the woman ATE her couch cushion, I knew you did not. My brain is trying to wrap itself around the licking of the cat, it should be ready by the time you post about that freak. I love my coffee, but now it’s tainted. I will now have colon thoughts every time I hear a coffee reference. Thank you….

    1. Sorry to traumatize you. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get through writing about the cat-licking-lady. While I’m something of a fan of women with oral fixations, I’m not a cat person. You should be able to get back to coffee as usual if you click on the Ink Spots video at the end and take yourself back to a simpler time, when people enjoyed caffeinated beverages in the more traditional manner.

  4. Dear lord, how disturbing! People just can’t have normal hobbies anymore, can they? Take up knitting, felt some birds, go for a hike, GEEZ. Of course, there they are, the TV producers, waiting in the wings to publicly display the most disgusting and perverse habits of our fellow humans. And humans love to share. Ugh. I’m not enjoying my morning coffee much today.

  5. Oh my, oh my! I had to read this with my hand over my eyes, just peeping through every so often to read the next bit and thinking nooooooo!!! The only reason I kept reading was because it was so well written and funny!

  6. That was funny. French Press!!! Cappucino in your chinos..!!!!
    I also drink only ONE cup of coffee every day (also 20oz)… and I ALSO ONLY drink it the traditional way.
    I prefer Macchiatos, not mucky-assos. (not as good as your pun, but heck, you got me started)

  7. Which is worse? Drinking coffee enemas or letting the world know that you do it? The fact that they allowed themselves to be featured on a reality show to highlight that asstribute about themselves speaks volumes. Shame is a dwindling commodity in our society.

    Dark roast FTW! Know your enema!

    1. I’m going to go with the latter as worse than the former, but only slightly worse.

      I’m going to suggest that “Shame is a dwindling commodity in our society” be put inside fortune cookies.

  8. Bob walked in and saw his wife eating a croissant for dinner. “Aw, man,” Bob said. “Not frech roast … again!

    It had been a rough night. Luckily, though, as Bob rolled out of bed and headed for the kitchen, his wife was literally bursting with joy and his morning cup of joe.

    I’ll stop now, but I could probably do this all day long.

  9. I remember the Java Jive from a B&W movie – love that song!

    That “Weirdos Exposing Their Weirdness To The Entire Nation For The Chance At 15 Minutes of Fame (or Infamy)” show is so upsetting to me I have to change the channel when the commercials even come on. Thanks for shoving this coffee fetish right in my face…so to speak.

    1. Geez Robert! you really know how to flatter a guy! My sage advice is to write and write some more, then edit and edit some more. I personally edit my posts more than I write them, and yet I somehow miss at least one typo or awkward sentence everytime. It’s likely those mistakes make my stuff look much more off the cuff than it really is.
      I’m glad you enjoyed the post – stay tuned, I’ll write more! Keep writing!

    1. Tough not to come up with material with a source like that. Now that you’ve read it, please explain how the IBS people would ever want to follow me and then be surprised by my poking fun at their collective dootie problems.

      1. They followed me as well. Why would they want to read about porn or nudie bars? I smell bullshit.

  10. LMAO!!!! I just saw a news special about coffee enemas!!! And the person, and yes it was an older lady, was like I do it every morning!! I was like way to abuse the bean!!! Like you I enjoy a good cup of joe, just not up in the dark orifices that nature never intended coffee to be!! I guess the plus side is that your farts could be scented with all the new flavors out there!!!

    1. For some reason, the line “My farts smell like Starbucks” seem destined for rap greatness. One of my favorite things about this post was going back and reading the comment stream. We punned it up for hours.

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