Is This Seat Taken?

Look at the gown Brandi Glanville wore.  That's right THE Brandi Glanville!  (Image from crushable dot com)
Look at the gown Brandi Glanville wore. That’s right- THE Brandi Glanville! (Image from crushable dot com)

My wife showed me a picture just now.

Look at this dress!” she laughed.  “I can’t believe this woman went out in public dressed like this.”

You can see for yourself – it is quite a dress.  I can assure you that my wife does not have anything similar to it in her closet, which is just as well because if she did, she would not wear it in public, private or anywhere else.  If my wife did wear that dress, it would look lovely on her, and wouldn’t make her ass look fat.  This is not going to be a post about my wife and/or her taste in clothing (I may seem like an idiot at times, but that’s just my blustery writing persona).

The woman in the dress is none other than Brandi Glanville.  She wore this gown to this year’s Academy Awards.

The Academy Awards show was held at the Dolby Theater in Hollywood.  According to Wikipedia, the theater has a maximum capacity of just over 3300 people.  While that may seem like more than enough seats, you need to consider the realities of the Academy Awards.  We all know about the best actor and best supporting actress, but those nominees and their stylists only account for a handful of people.

Outstanding Boom-Microphone Operator in a Documentary” or “Best Voice-Over in a 90 Second Trailer” don’t usually make the cut for the televised coverage, but they vie for Oscars too.  Don’t let the lack of face-time on the idiot box fool you, there were quite a few nominees for “Best Key Grip in a Foreign Language Short Subject” on hand at the Dolby that night, plus their escorts.

Look, man!  I'm an artist, a visionary!  I don't need to wear a bow tie or comb my hair.  You, on the other hand, are a Key Grip with a bad attitude and a rented prom tuxedo - For Christ's sake, dude, have a little self respect!  (Image from USA Today dot com)
Look, man! I’m an artist, a visionary! I don’t need to wear a bow tie or comb my hair. You, on the other hand, are a Best Boy with a bad attitude and a rented prom tuxedo – For Christ’s sake, dude, have a little self respect! (Image from USA Today dot com)

In addition to all of those behind-the-scenes people aching for gold statues, there are industry executives and tons of actors, actresses and directors who, while not nominated this go round, still attend every year.  Every one of them will probably bring a date or a life-coach.

Of the few remaining seats, some power-broker decided that Brandi Glanville should score herself a ticket.  The original Survivor Richard Hatch might have been unavailable due to being on house arrest.  Rumor had it that Guy Fieri was too busy shooting an episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives just outside of Milford, Delaware to attend.  It was doubtful that either Guy or Richard would have rocked that gown anyway.

Obviously, to get a place to park your derriere in the Dolby on such a big night, you’ve got to have some star power.  For those of you who care to know, Brandi Glanville is one of the featured bimbos stars of the Beverly Hills franchise of “The Real Housewives” brand.  If my research is correct, she was once married to a soap actor who’s also been featured on the Miami franchise of the “CSI” brand.  My research also reveals they are no longer married due to his being discovered in several affairs.  So when Brandi Glanville joined the cast of a show called “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”,  she was not actually a wife at all, unless ex-wife qualifies.

On the show, Brandi shares the screen with such “real” housewives as Camille Grammer, Adrienne Maloof and the late Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Personally, I’m not sure that Ms. Glanville’s credentials are all that impressive.  I have to wonder how much difference there is between a reality-TV supporting actress with fraudulent wife-credentials and a bald guy from Jersey.  If I would’ve scored a pair of tickets, I might have finally gotten my wife to consider wearing a dress like that.  Or not.

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38 thoughts on “Is This Seat Taken?

  1. I’m not opposed to women with fabulous figures showing them off with their choice of dress, but this one just looks like it’s too small for her on top! Like they used so much fabric for all that bottom bit, they didn’t have enough left for the top bit!

    1. I don’t know much about fashion…I was truly amazed to find out just how far down people can be on the show-biz totem pole and still get tickets. Then again, maybe she just showed up, walked the red carpet, got her pic taken and then left.

  2. The one guy nominated for Best Voice Over in a 90 Second Trailer got robbed… I feel all I hear about lately is this Brandi Glanville and here feud with LeAnn Rimes–two women I didn’t know anyone still cared about. Remotely.

  3. I have no idea who she is and this after reading the entire post. I know you identified her, but my brain immediately dumped the information rather than store it in the long-term memory ziplock bag.

    1. I only wish I could avoid knowing who she is. Despite having never seen more than a few seconds of any Real Housewives episode, I’m sure I’ll remember this against my will, while forgetting birthdays, anniversaries and …what was the other thing I was gonna write??

  4. Being the astute and mature reader that I am, all I thought was “super glued boobies”. How else would she have kept that dress up? Don’t know any of the people that you mentioned and don’t care much for self-congratulatory award shows. I just wanted to say “super glued boobies”. i just did it again. I’m on a roll.

      1. I’m sure she had a team of sycophants telling her how incredible she looked. I still don’t know what the hell she was doing there. By the same token Michelle Obama and her legion of secret service agents didn’t need to be there either. Considering the lasciviousness of some of those secret service guys, I wouldn’t surprised if Brandi had some attention from the dark glasses and earpiece set.

  5. Her credentials may be lacking, but her assets are not!
    I disagree with the mainstream here. When you’re famous for being a bad boy actor/director, you dress the part. When you’re famous for having boobs and doing nothing, you dress the part.

  6. One lateral move and it’s nip-city with that dress. Yikes. I don’t watch any of those Housewives shows, but given the amount of attention those women get, you’d think they were all Hollywood starlets. Well, I guess they’ve certainly got the dresses for it.

  7. Until I got towards the end I was thinking “Am I so out of it I don’t know who the latest great actress is?” Good to see it’s not me. I have to disagree with you on one point, Dave. Her “credentials” look pretty impressive popping out of that dress.

  8. It’s really scary when we think alike. The first thing that popped into my head when I read your blog was, “How the hell did Brandi worm her way into the Academy Awards?” My second thought was “Why didn’t she just wear a pair of pasties and a thong?” It would have left more to the imagination than this dress.

    I’m going to make an embarrassing confession. I watch “The Real Housewives” franchise and the Beverly Hills edition is my favorite. However, I don’t watch it because I think it’s quality television; I tune in because after an hour of watching these train wrecks yank each other’s hair extensions out and teeter around in 6″ platforms and large band-aids that doubles as dresses, I feel so much better about myself. They’re caricatures of real people. They’re plastic; literally and figuratively. Are there exceptions? Yes. Some wives are certainly worse than others (and, for the record, I refuse to watch the chicks in Atlanta or New Jersey…too cray cray for me), but I feel smarter, more attractive, happier and way nicer by comparison. Yet despite my penchant for watching the show, I don’t see how Brandi earned herself a seat at the Academy Awards. Was she somebody’s bimbo for the night?

    Great post. Glad you went in the opposite direction that many would have taken considering the photo that inspired you. 🙂

    1. I would think that even having a seat in the last row at the Academy Awards would be an honor for people “in the industry”. That being said, some production people and lesser actors had to watch from home so el bimbo could sit there in her floor length push-up bra.

      As for the reality show confession – I think that more people watch them to feel good about themselves than for any other reason. If that’s not the case, then please explain the rise of Honey Boo Boo and/or the Kardashians.

  9. Maybe she’s just a contender for the wardrobe malfunction Oscar (also knows as “the best special effects in costumes” Oscar), preparing to repeat her Oscar-nominated performance onstage.

    1. Phew! For a minute there, I thought you were going to tell me that pic wasn’t taken in front of the real Dolby theater! I can’t keep getting tricked by these internet photo sources – I’ll lose all my credibility as a curmudgeon.

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