Life On The Border

A man of my years should be flattered.  I mean really – the young woman is very attractive.  She’s got a great smile, an impressive physique, and a devilish look in her eye.  She gazed at me from the border and made saucy suggestions about how I might spend my time with her.

There she is again!  This time, she targeting people who are over 70 and want to learn to speak Balkan.  Is Balkan even a language?  How can anyone over 70 resist her siren song?! (Image stolen from my very own Facebook border)
There she is! She bears little resemblance to what I imagined a linguist would look like, but maybe she’s just a really attractive one.  Maybe she enjoys teaching mature men how to speak foreign languages.  Can anyone over 50 resist her siren song?! (Image stolen from my very own Facebook border)

She seductively stared at me from the right hand margin of my Facebook page and tried to catch my eye – as if her curvaceous form and sassy attitude didn’t already trump yet another pet memorial from one of my junior high social-studies classmates.

“Watch this crazy linguistics video!” she purred.  I may be a little long in the tooth, but I know a come-on when I see one.  Kids today and their zany euphemisms!  I almost had to blush at the thought of what “linguistics” must mean.  I’m not sure if this girl is a centerfold, a zumba instructor or both, but if she was into “linguistics” then more power to her!

“If you don’t know French and are age 50+ you’ll want to see this video immediately” she cooed to me.

She’s going to teach me “French”?  There’s a video?!  I can’t believe they’d let such a flagrant seductress on Facebook!  I must admit that the idea of a girl who’s this interested in men twice her age is a little off-putting.   After brief consideration, I supposed she preferred her playmates to be in bifocals.  Maybe she’d tired of the guys of her own generation who spent all their time at the gym and playing video games.  Those young pups are too busy trying to kill zombies and aliens to invest the time needed to learn how to take a relationship with a beautiful young woman to the next level using “French” and “linguistics”.

Being a crafty old coot, I knew better than to jump too soon.  I let her think I wasn’t all that interested.  Perhaps she’d think that I already knew French.  Patience is one of the most critical things I’ve learned over these past couple of decades – that and the importance of getting enough fiber in my diet.

Before I could make my move, she’d disappeared and was replaced by a real estate ad  for a 2 bedroom condo in the Village.  Who would be crazy enough to think that I’d be in the market for a condo in the Village?  People who are 50+ and don’t speak French are woefully out of place in a locale as trendy as that.  Do some research, advertising people!

When the Greenwich Village condo ad was replaced by one for a South Jersey Subaru dealer, I was worried that my playing hard-to-get had left the raven-haired vixen feeling rejected.  The poor thing had put herself out there so brazenly, and I had ignored her.  I was such a mean, sexy old grouch.  By now, she’d likely given up explaining the three families of French verbs to the wrinkled masses and was drowning her sorrows doing keg-stands with the Grand Theft Auto players from down the hall.

Just as suddenly as she had vanished, she reappeared in my Facebook border.  I was overjoyed to see her.  I tried to play it cool, though.  I knew fawning all over her ad would be the wrong move.  While only casting discrete glances in her direction, I felt like there was something different.  Was it her smile?  Had she lost a bit of the free-spirit in her eyes?  Her cup size and sexually-defiant posture certainly seemed unchanged.  Then I saw it!  She was looking to teach Italian to the over 60 set!

I’d had my chance, and I’d blown it.  She’d moved on to guys who were even older than me.  I can pass for 49 1/2 in the right light, but only a hottie with a severe astigmatism would think I was in my 60’s.  It was over between us before it had ever really started.  The bitter taste of rejection must have pushed this sweet young linguist over the edge.  She’d abandoned her desire to teach French to younger-old guys like me.  She lowered the bar to working on Italian with gents who had Geritol on their breath and a water glasses full of dentures soaking on the nightstand.

It’s all just as well I suppose.  Married men of my age have no business learning foreign languages from swimsuit models.  Still, I had let my mind go down that path and now my humdrum life seems to ache for a new direction.  I’m thinking that maybe I should reconsider a place in the Village.  If my wife says no, then I’ll have to settle for a Subaru.

27 thoughts on “Life On The Border

  1. I only get Weight Watchers, wrinkle removal cream, and audio book come-ons in my Facebook ads. It’s like they have a spy cam AND access to my library account. I am sorry it didn’t work out with the linguist…she has probably moved on to Portugese and octagenarians by now. At least you can test drive the Subaru.

  2. I know a way you can woo her back. Spend a week on FB writing posts about how much you want to learn the Romance languages. Mention that you’re over 50. She’ll be back. A little worn around the edges, a little tired out, but she’ll be back.

        1. I was on Facebook this morning, and my raven haired friend has been replaced by a buxom blond on a beach. Things were much different in my days in academia, or I might have majored in French.

  3. Hahahaha! Recently I’ve been getting one with a woman on a treadmill encouraging me to “enhance” my features. Her measurements are 48-2-48, which really, really, really makes me want to click on her photo…just for a better look.

  4. Regardless of age, you ought to take her up on her offer. There’s a saying that goes “the more languages you know, the more you know humanity.” So I’d take up her offer, and with her aid, become a cunning linguist.

  5. I am so tired of the FB ads–so many flashing bulbs and brightly colored fonts. At least you still have your sense of humor about it. I think mine got sucked out with all the political junk that came my way a few months back. Don’t you just love it when uninvited updates appear in your newsfeed? Not.

    Funny post!

  6. The hard to get strategy is exactly what you need to keep playing. Post on facebook that you have a date with Rosetta Stone.. Your linguist will be back.

  7. “Perhaps she’d think that I already knew French.” That’s a solid move, that I’m going to steal from you. But what I really want to know is, do these women know their picture’s are being used for random ads? I always wonder that. Especially since you see the same picture for different ads. Is some guy in Russia just scouring Facebook saving hot girl pictures?

    1. It’s always the Rooskies! Their favorite thing to do with pics of hot girls from Facebook is to post them on websites for American men who are looking for Russian brides. Once John Q. Public puts down his non-refundable deposit, they switch out Bambi’s spring break picture and put in the shot of Svetlana reclining in her mumu after a hard day toiling in the beet fields.

      1. Oh…I don’t always wear those. When it’s cloudy I turn on my facial reconstruction device, program in a face and by the time my morning espresso is pressed, I have my face for the day. It’s all very Mission Impossible.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s