Flakey Like A Biscuit

The cover art from my upcoming CD.  I figure even if the music sucks, someone might buy it because they're hungry.  (Image from evil shenanigans dot com)
The cover art from my upcoming CD. I figure even if the music sucks, someone might buy it because they’re hungry. (Image from evil shenanigans dot com)

After a brief inventory of my life, I came to the realization that I’ve never written a top-40 song.  Technically, I’ve never actually written a bottom-40 song either.  With apologies to actual songwriters everywhere, and to my long-time follower, the fabulous yet M.I.A. FreddyFlow, I offer my first attempt at songwriting since having my heart broken in 7th grade.  (Please disregard the fact that I’m a middle-aged, lily-white suburbanite and just accept the fact that anyone with basic cable has access to both MTV and re-runs of “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air”)

-:-

You so damn fine,

Playin handball in my mind,

You been runnin laps-es,

All up in my synapses,

-:-

Went three blocks out my way,

Just watchin how you sway,

Girl then we got to talkin’,

Once you finally finished walkin’,

-:-

I listened for a minute,

N I quickly reached my limit,

I think you better go back,

N take another Prozac,

-:-

You look as hot as Tempe,

But yo pretty skull is empty,

You might look fine to Hef,

Got me wishin’ I was deaf,

-:-

(Chorus)

Flakey like a biscuit, a bis-cuit, a bis-cuit,

Flakey like a biscuit – every time I hear you speak,

Aint no amount of butter,

Can cover what you utter,

You flakey like a biscuit and that aint no way to be,

-:-

I’m-a leave you standin’ here,

Get some cotton for my ears,

Don’t need no selfish chatter,

All up in my gray matter,

-:-

You make a sexy picture,

But your brain is like a mixture,

It might be two parts moon rays,

N five more parts of cray-cray,

-:-

Got a ego like The Donald,

Suck attention like a funnel,

When your ruby lips start movin’,

Your appearance stops improvin’,

-:-

(Chorus)

Flakey like a biscuit, a bis-cuit, a bis-cuit,

Flakey like a biscuit every time I hear you speak,

Aint no amount of butter,

Can cover what you utter,

Flakey like a biscuit and that aint no way to be,

-:-

Dr. Phil don’t want no part,

Of your nasty, mangled heart,

There aint no magic tonic,

Can cure a true moronic,

-:-

You like a box from Russell Stover,

Filled with turds from my dog Rover,

Lookin’ fine that candy shell,

Chewy center – nasty smell,

-:-

Aint too deep inside yo mind,

No diving please, you break yo spine,

Need no lifeguard on the side,

Shallow here – my socks are dry,

-:-

(Chorus)

Flakey like a biscuit, a bis-cuit, a bis-cuit,

Flakey like a biscuit – every time I hear you speak,

Aint no amount of butter,

Can cover what you utter,

You flakey like a biscuit and that aint no way to be

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40 thoughts on “Flakey Like A Biscuit

  1. That’s actually kind of catchy — so much so that I’ll ignore the egregious spelling error (“you” instead of “u” throughout).

    1. That was an intentional nod to the over 40 crowd, who are technically the only people who buy cd’s. Everyone else just steals the music off the internet. The real money is in concert tee shirts.

  2. Hey, if a song that uses the word, “Friday” over and over again can be a hit, why not yours? Hip hop or rap, definitely. Now I want a nice flaky biscuit, too.

  3. So now we wait for the Youtube video you’re going to upload of you singing it right? And, I’m so down with you using “N” instead “and” dawg.

    1. Less experienced dentists may mistake laughter for seizure activity or an expression of pain. I certainly hope you shared my post with your dentist and/or dental hygienist. If not, please go back and do so; I need more followers who are actual people.

  4. That was wonderful. The tears it brought to my eyes – – – well – – – you just could not imagine. It reminded me of an old girlfriend that I never quite got over. Thanks for the memories.

    1. I recall you talking about her Wally. You two met in France when you were in the service and she was a waitress at a local bistro. I think you referred to her as being as flakey as a day old baguette. Not as song-friendly as a bisquit, but flakey nonetheless.

  5. It would save a lot of BST if you ran with the tune of “It’s A Small Small World.”…since everyone in the world (or most everyone) screams whenever they remember where they were and who they were with…hearing it for the first time…..the second time…third….

    1. I thought about that, but Disney’s lawyers are not to be trifled with. Ironically, BST, or Blodd Sweat and Tears may offer a different direction. Does anyone know if David Clayton-Thomas has legal eagles like Mickey Mouse?

      1. I happen to be in love with [again] John Fogarty of CCR because I listen to him when I make my run-rounds on the waterfront. . He’s older than I am [which makes me grin and snort] but….get to the point, Gracie…he may be too wrapped up in grandchildren or estate planning to give a hoot about someone stealing a tune or two. I’d give it a try. PS I’ve got a wee bit of bail money…call my cell.
        Raye

        1. I was gonna write one about a red solo cup. Somebody else already did? Damn! I guess I’ll go to plan B and write the one about the little brown jug. What? Really?…That long ago huh?…This being original is not as easy as it looks.

  6. Genius. I can’t wait to see the video.

    I imagine you stickin your face in the camera which is down at knee level, doing that arms over chest, “word” move that rappers do. Then the camera cuts away to Ms. Biscuit’s swaying backside as a producer off-camera helps you to stand back up.

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