Bumper Sticker Shock

Most people think that bumper stickers are meant to be statements, not conversation starters.  It’s as if by virtue of choosing to get adhesive residue all over the ass-end of the Ford Taurus in order to express themselves, they should be spared the sarcastic comments of others.  I don’t think that’s fair.  Try as I might to let these people know my interpretations of their bumper stickers, they’ve got the windows up with Foreigner’s Greatest Hits cranking on the cassette player.

Since these yahoos are not making themselves available for polite conversation regarding my opinions of their bumper stickers, I’ve decided to do so without their input.

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(Image from bumperstickerz dot com)
(Image from bumperstickerz dot com)

It can be assumed that people who fish for a living have one that says “I’d rather be sitting in my cubicle, working on the budget for the Hayes proposal”  I’m not sure where on the boat the bumper sticker would go.

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(Image from hippieshop dot com)
(Image from hippieshop dot com)

Unless you have a bumper on your bicycle or that car runs on second-hand falafel oil, you’re not really practicing what you preach.  Next time you’re jonesing for a pint of Chunky Monkey and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, why not try walking down to the Quik-E Mart?

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(Image from earthhouse dot com)
(Image from earthhouse dot com)

The good news for the air force is that they just need to sell congress one stale brownie for 47 billion dollars.  Congress will then pout when they have to wait until 30 minutes before going back in the swimming pool so the brownie can digest.

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(Image from zazzle dot com)
(Image from zazzle dot com)

The poor slob driving behind you is already distracted by the phone call he’s in the middle of, and now you want him to read too?  You’re just asking for trouble – maybe you could text him to get his attention if he doesn’t see your bumper sticker.

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(Image from zazzle dot com dot au)
(Image from zazzle dot com dot au)

Did you?  Want to know who I voted for?  Too bad – that’s why the voting booth has a curtain.  For the record, you just admitted to voting for Sarah Palin, too.

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(Image from labradoodle-dogs dot net)
(Image from labradoodle-dogs dot net)

You might be right about that, but then again, my honor student has never eaten his own feces, rolled in a dead squirrel or been surprised by the gentle sound of his own flatulence.  In the spirit of full disclosure, my honor student did once run into a wall while chasing the beam from a laser pointer.

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42 thoughts on “Bumper Sticker Shock

  1. Love this post! I’ve actually found myself trying to catch a light to finish reading…sad. Years ago I had a sticker taped to my back window, no residue for me, which read “Mean People Suck.” A woman approached me and began yelling how offensive it was to her. I’m not pointing fingers, but I was left to assume she was in fact Mean.

  2. 1point,
    I’ve always wondered why people would choose to advertise whatever category they would like other drivers to believe they’re in. Categories lead to stereotypes which further lead to generalizations. I’m FUNNY! I’m a RELIGIOUS FANATIC! I’m BETTER THAN YOU! I VOTE WITHOUT REASONABLE THOUGHT! I PEE ON VARIOUS THINGS THAT YOU LIKE!
    The people that really make me laugh are the ones who display a bumper sticker taped to the inside of their car window; not fully committed to whatever-it-is to mar their precious go-mobile and giving them the option to switch sides if they have to go to the other side of town.
    And don’t forget the ultimate in douchebaggery-the rubber testicles hanging from the trailer hitch.
    Great post btw!
    Red

    1. I hear ya brother! I meant to include the “Honk if you love such and such” and how they always look at you like they want to fight if you actually honk. Also the “Follow me to Joe’s BBQ” ones who are never going to Joe’s when I follow them. WTF?! Your bumper sticker said “Follow me to Joe’s BBQ” and you went to the proctologist!

  3. I like the bumper stickers that are really really offensive. Some people even put the shocker on their car. WHAAA?! Also saw a license plate that said DomMom and one that said SubGuy, those two should hook up! Good stuff. Also your photo at the top of your blog just freaks my eyes right out. Or maybe it’s my brain. Some part of me is like…whoaaaa.

    1. I tried in vain to put the waterfall down the vertical border, but it wouldn’t go. I’d like to get rid of it, but sometimes people are excited to point out exactly which waterfall that is.

      1. I like it cause it screws with my head to see it sideways like that and it goes with the title of your blog…one point perspective. It’s like looking at something in a different way. I say keep it!

  4. I’m always amazed at how brave people are to put these stickers on their cars. Everyone has a beef with someone else’s ideas. You put a sticker on your car and you are fair game for a keying. At least you can remove the stickers easily enough. The guy who got the Romney Ryan tattoo on his face has a bit more of a challenge.

  5. Ha- “second-hand falafel oil”. Preach it brother. Also on a side note, is your blog name a reference to drawing? I know you’re also an artist, and I feel like an idiot for just now noticing this connection.

    1. The one point perspective is kind of a nod to the drawing, but really more toward the fact that I never expected anyone to share my perspective. As for the drawing type, I’m more of a fan of three point perspectives, but most people don’t know what the hell they are.

  6. How about a tailgate-sized sticker that says, “God is a Republican.” I saw that in Florida last year, hit reverse and drove in the opposite direction. After donning my bullet proof vest.

    (How you doing? You’ve been quiet or perhaps I haven’t been paying attention.)

    1. Not to make excuses…but things have been a tad frantic around here lately. Also, having a bunch of non-English speaking entrepreneurs suddenly following my blog has taken a little of the fun out of it.

        1. My comment section exhibits no evidence of the hundreds of phantom followers who do not speak English yet follow me. Don’t waste another second of your time in Italy reading my nonsense, you can catch up when you get home.

  7. Wanting to ask the same question: How you doing? and getting a reply.
    Oh….I don’t doubt for a minute that you’ll be FP on this one by the WP Wrangler who won the office pool for most bumper stickers allowed on any moving vehicle…..with ass-end still intact.

  8. I’ve got some bumper stickers I’ve been holding onto for years. Now that I have a newer used car, I just can’t seem to go ahead and put them on…something about car value and then your warning about getting keyed, would not be fun.

    1. I’ve seen some great bumper stickers, but would not put them on my car under most circumstances for fear of being lynched. One of them is “I get along fine with God; it’s his fan clubs I can’t stand”

  9. That Reduce/Reuse/Recycle sticker is very appropriate for a car: unless the car owner throws out his car after each ride and gets a new one, at least the “Reuse” portion applies.

  10. “I’d rather be sitting in my cubicle, working on the budget for the Hayes proposal” I say that all the time! Gotta find the bumper sticker for it now.
    ps did I mention that I love that line?
    pps did I mention that your melancholy pig drawing is tacked up in my office? We’ve received lots of lovely compliments on it.

    1. I can only assume that by “tacked” you mean “museum mounted and tastefully framed, properly lit with twin color neutral pin-spotlights”

      I tease of course, “tacked” is the appropriate display method, preferably at eye level just above the toilet.

    1. Good bumper stickers are as rare as hen’s teeth. Certainly the one you just described qualifies as a good one. I can assume that your dorm room was devoid of bumpers, so technically, it was just a sticker.

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