A Weiner By Any Other Name

Despite his condom cap and dark glasses, we'd know him anywhere!  (Illustration by the author - no, I'm not proud)
Despite his condom cap and dark glasses, we’d know him anywhere! (Illustration by the author – no, I’m not proud)

By now, most people have heard about New York City mayoral candidate and former congressman Anthony Weiner’s recent relapse. Once again, he’s lost his footing on the slippery slope of posting naughty photos of his private parts. By a stroke of luck, I’ve been granted an exclusive interview with the star of the show, Mr. Weiner’s penis, Edgar Winston Weiner.

1PP: Edgar, thank you for joining me.
EWW: My pleasure, One Point, but please, call me Chumley – it’s been my nickname since Anthony saw his first Tennessee Tuxedo cartoon back in his childhood.

1PP: I think America is more than ready to hear your views.
EWW: I appreciate you giving me this forum. I’m sure there are a few wise-asses who’ll think it’s funny that a penis is being interviewed by someone named “1PP”, but I was tired of waiting for Pierce Morgan’s people to call. I want my side of the story out there.

1PP: Let’s get to the meat of the matter, what’s it like to be the object of so much attention, again?
EWW: Look pal, if you’re gonna get cute with the questions, we can end this interview right now. My PR people warned you about trying to be funny with word-play. I’m in a difficult position here, and if you’re going to go for cheap laughs with meat references, I’ll take my bag and leave.

1PP: My apologies. It was a Freudian slip, I guess.
EWW: Fair enough. Back to your question. It’s been hard on me. I mean, like most penises, I live my life in the dark most of the time. I’m not really accustomed to the spot-light.

1PP: How do you answer those who’ve speculated that you’re the brains behind the operation?
EWW: I’m glad you asked. Certainly I’ll admit to having a fair degree of influence over Tony, but these sexting fiascos are pretty much his doing. Can you imagine me taking snap shots and texting them to bimbos? I mean, look at me; I have no fingers! Seriously, look at me! How do I look? How about from this angle? Hold it a sec…how about now?

1PP: Umm. You look…ummm…can we get back to the interview? Please, sit back down.
EWW: Sorry. I’m trying to rebuild my image, but it’s an uphill battle.

1PP: Yeah…umm…well…Back to the questions. Speaking of your image, do you feel people are unable to look at you without a jaundiced eye?
EWW: I think lots of people have that problem. They can’t just look at me and see a penis; to them, I’m that penis. It’s embarrassing. I mean, I’ve got a life too. It’s not easy trying shield your family from the scrutiny of the media.

1PP: Tell us about that.
EWW: Well, you know, I’ve got the twins. I always try to keep them nearby, and sometimes it’s tough to protect them from the hurtful things that people say. For the record, I’ve done my very best to keep them out of this. I admit though, on at least one occasion, they were inadvertently featured in a photo.

1PP: Yes, that must be difficult for you. Have you discussed your feelings with Anthony, to try to help him avoid these incidents.
EWW: I’ve tried, God knows I’ve tried. Tony isn’t always easy to get through to – he’s a driven man. He’s running for mayor, for crying out loud! On some level though, I feel like he’s still an 11 year-old boy trying to impress that Blattstein girl behind the snack bar at the city pool. For the record, I told him it was a bad idea even back then – the water was especially cold that day and we could have been caught. Her mother was right around the corner, waiting on line to buy snow cones. Sorry – that’s still a difficult memory for me. I wish I could turn back the hands of time.

1PP: I think we’ve all had moments of regret, when we wish we could undo bad things we’ve been a part of…
EWW: Maybe the Blattstein girl is in the phone book. If not, Tony could get himself on the internet and do one of those searches. He could send her a pic, show her what my A-game looks like. How’s this pose? Whaddya think?

1PP: Umm…I thought you were referring to going back and not showing yourself to people.
EWW: Oh…oh yeah! Yeah, that’s what I meant.

1PP: Did you have anything to do with Anthony’s choice of the name “Carlos Danger” in his attempt to protect his anonymity?
EWW: Glad you brought that up. As you can imagine, Tony had a tough time growing up with that last name of his. I mean, I had the same last name, but look at me, the name fits right? Really…look at me. Anyway, I understand him wanting to try to use a different name for discretion and all, but I was never a fan of “Carlos Danger”. I thought it sounded a little corny, you know? It was too B-grade porn star for my tastes.

1PP: What’s next for you and Anthony?
EWW: That’s the 64 dollar question, isn’t it? We’re hoping he somehow manages to win the mayoral race. I try to use positive visualization to help him along. I picture myself standing proudly at attention on the podium as the band plays. Between you and me, I’ve got my eye on a cabinet post. Something in public relations, maybe. From what I hear, the mayor gets his own photographer, and the lighting in his office is supposed to be really nice.

1PP: Well, I wish you and Anthony the best of luck. One thing seems clear to me, no matter what happens with the campaign, I’m pretty sure we’ll see you again.
EWW: Thanks, One Point. Is there any chance I can get a copy of the illustration? You can text it to me.

55 thoughts on “A Weiner By Any Other Name

  1. Peer closely at your post. It’s Piers. Actually, Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan. So Pierce is an improvement. (Should I have not told you that out loud?)

    1. I struggled with that stupid jacket – I’m glad it looked enough like a smoking jacket to be recognizable. I also am happy with the ascot – I recently watched the movie “7 Psychopaths” and Christopher Walken’s character wore one…or was it just a scarf?

  2. Oh. My. Goodness. I take a few weeks off and this is what the blogging world has come to.

    Your artistic endeavors are, as always, lovely. I’m sure most of your male readers will want a copy, because what man doesn’t want a smokin’ penis?

  3. I can’t believe it. You did the drawing? You got serious skills! To come up with that concept is unbelievable, but then you go one better with the execution. And the details! Condom hat? Cigarette? I am truly in awe. That should be hanging in the Smithsonian or something.

  4. This is HILARIOUS! How did it not get Freshly Pressed?????
    You are such a talented artist and writer. Great combination.
    Have fun clicking on links! The party is still rolling today. I see lots of clicks out from posts!

    1. I was probably passed over due to WordPress’ strict policy against penis art and/or smoking. They can be such prudes!
      Glad you liked it though, that’s worth more than being Freshly Pressed anyway!

  5. LMAO! This is awesome. So glad you left this at Susie’s party. Loved the pic, the tongue in cheek humor (and my mind tends to catch any and all dirty subtext, deliberate or accidental anyway), so I HAD to share it on FB. Thanks for the laugh.

    1. Glad you liked it, and welcome to my humble blog. I go through much emotional turmoil whenever Susie has one of these parties, I just never know what to wear or which post to link to. I figured the Weiner post would either amuse or horrify, depending upon the reader, so I went with it and hoped for the best. Luckily, it seems the horrified readers have been too polite to give me any grief (so far).

      1. Oh, please! She’s got a pretty open minded group. Mine are rarely proper. Admittedly, there are many a risqué post that I DON’T share at her parties simply because they’re soooo…um…we’ll just call them “open minded.” 😀

        1. I didn’t mean to sound judgmental. Susie and I go pretty far back in blog years, but one never knows about the others who follow the ones I follow (wha..?).

          Anyway, I’m enjoying this party. If the line for the bathroom gets any longer, I’m gonna go outside and try to write my name in the snow.

  6. Susie sent me…..This was great!!! I haven’t choked on my coffee with laughter for a long time!!! Honestly gotta say very creative!!!! Great read!!!

    1. Getting people to choke on coffee is one of my favorite pastimes. Had I been able to get you to expel it through your nose, I’d have been over the moon with pride. Maybe next time. Hope you enjoyed the illustration as well. I have the original, but don’t really know what to do with it. Portraits like that one just don’t go with any old décor.

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