Totally Klondike, Dude

He doesn't appear in Game of Thrones wearing a hat much either - not even a derby made of chain mail.  (Image from impawards dot com)
Richard Madden doesn’t appear in Game of Thrones wearing a hat much either – not even a derby made of chain mail. (Image from impawards dot com)

I was originally going to title this little rant “Nine Things I Learned During The First 28 Minutes of Ridley Scott’s ‘Klondike”.  Luckily, the most useful thing I learned from this six-hour dog of a show was how to avoid losing viewers or readers with too accurate of a title.  My guess is that the original title for “Klondike” might have been something along the lines of “Will and Epstein’s Excellent Gold Rush Adventure, Except The Part Where Epstein Gets Killed”

Less than a half hour into the mini-epic tale of gold mining in the 1890’s, I had to pause it and get my laptop out to record the many lessons already learned.  Here’s what I learned in the first twenty-eight minutes of the show:

  1. People in olden days spoke much the same we do now.  Case in point: As they board a train, Will says to Epstein, “If you get me killed on the first day of the rest of my life, I’m going to be seriously pissed off.”  The first part of the sentence is suspiciously close to a quote attributed to Charles Dederich in the 1960’s (“Today is the first day of the rest of your life”).  The last part of the sentence, wherein one can be described as “seriously pissed” can be ascribed to any number of cast members of MTV’s Real World series.  Lots of under 25-ers since then have reported being seriously high, seriously bored and seriously stoked while appearing seriously illiterate.  To add a little frosted whipped topping to my point, Epstein later refers to working as a gold miner as “shit-assed hard work”, proving that butchering salty language never goes out of style.
  2. One sure fire way to make a period piece look a little more authentic is to throw in some cultural stereotypes.  The boys, fresh from graduating college, are found in a dark smokey room, surrounded by inscrutable but vengeful Chinamen.  Like all foreigners people, they have strange customs, including partaking in some sort of exotic gambling involving dried beans.  When Epstein cannot pay up, the head Chinaman produces a large knife.  After a madcap dash through a labyrinth of rooms, including one where an old gentleman appeared to be smoking opium in bed, the boys narrowly escape.  Later, on the train, the boys can be seen winning a few bucks gambling with some of the colored folk who work on board.  This pair of adventurous young bucks seem hellbent on games of chance with minorities.
  3. Graduating from college was a guarantee of big bucks, even in ancient times.  Will reveals to Epstein that he has “$450 – every cent I got from graduation”.  I didn’t score that kind of cabbage when I graduated from college, over 80 years later, but I’m not complaining.  A little web research has revealed a website which gives a conversion factor to see what a buck was worth back then, compared to now.  According to those formulas, Will’s college graduation wad would be worth roughly $9000 in today’s currency.  It’s hard to believe with that kind of generosity that no one in the family appeared to attend the graduation ceremony (which Will left early to go find Epstein who was already gambling with the aforementioned Asians).
  4. Good looking people seldom wear hats.  Will and Epstein climb a snow covered mountain in a conga line of wannabee miners complaining that they’ve been at it for ten days.  Climbing through deep snow on a windy mountain, for a week and a half?  Nah, I don’t need a hat.  Later on the other side of the mountain, our boys meet an impossibly beautiful woman who remembered to pack her low cut gown with the satin bodice, but also apparently forgot to pack a hat.  My premise is confirmed.
  5. Even in the 1890’s, a catch phrase was critical.  Will and Epstein’s slogan was “Nothing in my pocket but a handful of hope”.  That’s a handful of hope?  I thought you were just glad to see me.
  6. When in doubt, cut to the aerial shot of the majestic mountains.  We’re constantly reminded of the fact that it’s another place in time where men were men and sled dogs were scared, but in case anyone loses track of the locale, every tenth shot or so is a breathtaking view of the rugged mountains.  Did I see a ski trail in the background just then?
  7. An avalanche is a minor inconvenience.  Following a massive avalanche which killed dozens of conga liners on the mountain, Will emerges from behind a boulder and shouts at the top of his lungs for Epstein, but no one answers.  He walks a few feet down the hill, grabs a boot or something and pulls his friend from what would have been a snowy grave.  In the next scene, Will and Epstein have miraculously also located their sled.  Apparently having people and belongings buried under a sea of snow coursing violently down a mountainside doesn’t make stuff hard to find afterwards.
  8. “Real stuff” is captivating.  Every time this massive dud came back from commercial there was a message on the bottom of the screen which said “Based on actual events”.  Since something happened in the Yukon over a hundred years ago, today’s TV viewers will just have to accept that real events sometimes result in implausible dialogue, giant holes in plots and men without hats.

You can rest assured, I learned tons more worthless stuff during the remaining 5 1/2 dreadful hours of this turkey.  Such lessons included how dangerous it can be to dance on thin ice while holding a sack of heavy gold bars.  I also learned that whenever a story needs to get philosophical, you can suddenly switch out the regular narrator for a Native American or other indigenous person who can shed light on the foolish greedy ways of the outsiders.  Most importantly, I learned how not to waste 6 hours of my life again watching a really sad example of bad TV.

43 thoughts on “Totally Klondike, Dude

  1. Hahaha! You nailed this one. I haven’t seen it, but won’t! Thanks for the 6 and a half hours. Think of all the blog posts I can read in 6 and a half hours….
    Excellent and funny review!

    1. My wife and I actually paused the 3rd installment every five minutes or so to laugh at how unbelievably bad it was. I can only guess on the amount of money they spent on this mess. I just couldn’t pass up the chance to poke a little more fun at it – why should my wife get all the laughs?

                1. No, it’s 1ptperspective. My gmail address is dlovett54@gmail . Twitter is just out of my comfort zone – no one reads my stuff there, and I’ve never figured out how to jump on the hashtag bandwagon. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got the latest Ink Spots album all cued up on the Victrola…

                  1. No wonder! Your account is connected to the other name, so you’re not seeing all the people who are tweeting your posts out. Hash tags only work on Tumblr and Twitter. They become part of huge feeds where people who don’t follow you can find your link. It’s a great way to get your posts and friend’s stuff out there.

        1. FYI Susie, I tried to follow your advice on Tweeting the link to my review, with hashtags, but I must be doing it wrong, as my hastags remain black and don’t turn blue. Maybe I need the ones with bleach

      1. What language art thouest two speaking? It surely dasn’t be any English mine ancient ears hath ever heared. Methinks such folderol about hash refers to Dinty Moore, forsooth?

      1. Ohmygosh, thank you. That’s like the coolest compliment ever. I laughed at your hatless part because I had that very thought when I took off my hat to snap the picture.

  2. After a half hour of this you continued to watch it? There is a masochist born every minute.
    There is nothing in my pocket but a – – – well – – – what do you know – – – haven’t seen that in a while.

    1. I should have known better. For the record, I also slow down and look at the carnage after those accidents on the black ice here in the polar ice cap known as South Jersey. I just can’t help myself.

      1. South Jersey explains a lot.
        I once met a man from Brick,
        In his pocket – – – well – – – lets just leave that for another time.
        I really enjoy your writing. Are you a professional writer? Your points are succinct yet humorous.
        I also met a man from Tom’s River where I tried to apply for a job as a bait cutter on a fishing boat. But they had no use for a 11 year old kid with tons of ambition.

        1. I would be a professional writer, but so far I’ve yet to find anyone who wishes to pay me. Thanks for the compliment though. I’m closer to Philly than the shore, so Toms River and Brick are not in my general area. Keep your eyes peeled for my next masterpiece, coming sooner or later!

    1. My wife and I typically DVR the shows we watch, and there was a paucity of recorded shows to choose from. In retrospect, we should have just skipped it and gone to bed, but I’ve already written a post about going to bed too early…or maybe that was a dream…

  3. I almost didn’t read this post because I have no idea what this show is all about, but then I’d miss your very witty observations and the hilarity. All was not wasted; you got a great bit of writing out of it. No hats, eh? And yet, no frostbite. I seriously hate it when a film uses language that doesn’t match the year or the decade.

  4. I wonder what you would give to have those 6 hours back… 😉 Seriously, I’m amazed you kept on watching after the gaggle of lessons you gleaned from the first 30 minutes!

  5. It’s gotten to the point where I cannot even stand to watch what passes for history in Hollywood. The unilateral decision not to let any actual history interfere with their story leads me to hurl large, heavy objects at the TV…and that only hurts me since it’s my TV.

    You’re either really dedicated to your readers, or really dumb to have sacrificed 6 never-to-be-retrieved hours on that drivel. Thank you(?)

    1. Sadly, I’m not all that dedicated to my readers. We had DVR’ed the show and just couldn’t help ourselves. I’m thinking we may have to unplug the TV for a few years and just rely on one another for entertainment. If that doesn’t work, there’s always a chance someone will hear about us and set us up as reality TV stars. Since none of my sides are my good side, I will look chubby and bald in every shot.

      1. I’ve often thought that the only industry left without it’s own reality show is mine. Who wouldn’t be fascinated by the seamy underbelly of an insurance agency? I’d be willing to flip over my desk and scream “Not another g*****amn rate increase???? WHY? Lord,WHY?” while pulling out the hair of a nubile, young co-worker. Just like I do every day in real life. Lots of people would want to watch that, right? Right?

      2. My husband watched this crap – and since our home is of the “open” layout, I was subjected to ALL 3 EPISODES. He had recorded it and skipped the commercials…which undoubtedly would have been far more entertaining.

        And my dog was highly offended at your reference. Highly offended.

        I only visited today, because like Hippie, I was looking for ice cream. Thanks a lot, Dave.

        I would watch the insurance agency reality show…I also think a “Survivor – Family Reunion” would be good, especially if they used my family.

        1. I just feel terrible on so many levels. First and foremost, I apologize to your dog. Even a creature who licks his own butt would be offended by being compared to such a pathetic mini-series. Secondly, I apologize to you for the ice cream brand bait and switch, but in my defense, “Klondike” was the name of the show. Finally, I apologize to all 13 of my loyal readers; you deserve better – I promise my next post won’t be about a much hyped TV show. Oh wait, does the Super Bowl count? Just kidding, we don’t need one more voice joining the thousands of people yabbering about the big game.

  6. Later: RE: comment thread on JOTS….
    I get it now…”yours truly” comment.
    I get OVERS, right?
    Yes…it was about you. It was and is always about you, darling.
    Obviously JOTS is no longer a blond but falls into that abyss called dim from time to time.
    Continuing to light up many lives with sparkling sincerity,

    1. The shoveling and ice-picking must have put you in a temporary stupor – I just KNEW it was about me!…and to think I discovered it right before Valentine’s Day!
      I’m as smitten as a school boy. I’m off to scour the interweb for some little known quote about artists and palettes and such. You’ll know it when you see it!
      PS, Here in my little world, we got another three inches of cold fun. Can’t wait to get up and shovel in a few hours!

      1. I’d send you the one snow shovel I own…but I broke it this morning trying to move the ice from here…to there.
        Stupor…you guessed right…you marvel you…Is there anything you can’t do?

        1. My ballroom dancing is severely limited by my massive feet. Also, I’m not as fluent in Portuguese as I’d like to be…plus I’m a little bit of a liar sometimes when talking about my abilities.

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