I Failed My Personality Quiz

There’s a cool thing all over Facebook.  The program asks you a bunch of questions about yourself, and in return tells you which character you’d be in “Game of Thrones”, or “Star Wars”, or “To Catch A Predator.”  As if finding out which character you’d be in a make-believe TV show or movie isn’t enough fun, you can also choose to use your initials to find out what your dragon name would be, if you were, you know, a dragon.

Original image from .  Text added by the author, who is one bad mutha.

Original image from totalfilm dot com . Text added by one bad-assed mutha.

Even though I’m almost positive that Facebook is selling my personality quiz answers to the marketing expert with the deepest pockets, I went ahead and took every one of these tests I could find, for the sake of my art (Plus, I didn’t have much else to write about since the polar vortex is pretty well spent as a subject).  Here now, in no particular order, are the results:

Which “Star Wars” Character Are You?: You’re competitive and incredibly loyal.  Your strong spiritual beliefs guide you through this land and will serve you well in faraway galaxies.  You are Ghan-Ghan, R2-D2’s pet electric can opener from “Star Wars XVII – Escape From Popularity

Which “Star Trek” Character Are You?: You are self-reliant and very independent.  Ever an opportunist, you’re always on the look out for an advantage.  You put no stock in organized religion or coed team sports.  You are Phylleus, warrior of the Wo-Ran dynasty from “Star Trek – When Epics Fail; The Auroras Bore Me, Alice”.  Your character can be seen for roughly 23 seconds in the 43rd minute of the movie.

Which “Disney” Character Are You?: You have an insatiable hunger for cheese.  Your habit of scurrying along baseboards and wearing four-fingered white gloves does not go unnoticed.  Those ears of yours are rather prominent.  You are “Flounder” the blue and yellow fish who is any species other than flounder from The Little Mermaid.  Click here for special values on great Disney products and promotions reserved for “Flounder” types like you!

Ooh!  I hope I'm one of the cool ones from one of the cool places on this cool map, and I hope no one chops my head off.  (IMage from chartgeek dot com)

Ooh! I hope I’m one of the cool ones from one of the cool places on this cool map, and I hope no one chops my head off. (IMage from chartgeek dot com)

Which “Game of Thrones” Character Are You?:  Your trait of having never really paid attention to the names of characters is obvious from the answers to the personality test.  There is a deep and complex story being told here – Game of Thrones is more than just topless medieval chicks and people beheaded with single swipes of broadswords.  Your character is Paal-Gor from the Hidden Valley of Theon.  If you want to see who he is, try watching an entire season and paying attention.

Which “The Big Bang Theory” Character Are You?: You are clearly not a genius, and as such you do not qualify to be one of the main characters.  In addition, you are not an attractive female, so you cannot be Penny either.  You are Zumwalt the kindhearted dishwasher at The Cheesecake Factory where Penny works.  Zumwalt has no lines, but he scrubs a mean pot.

Your inquisitive nature, wholesomeness and love of a good hat could make you any one of these three.  (Image from flickr dot com)

Your inquisitive nature, wholesome character and love of a jaunty hat could make you any one of these three. (Image from flickr dot com)

Which “Gilligan’s Island” Character Are You?:  Your lack of responses to quiz questions 3, 7 and 14 – 22 eliminate you from consideration for any main role.  You are Thurston Howell III’s croquet mallet.

What Is Your Dragon Name?:  Your dragon name is Fiery Diarrhea.  You fly through the barren mountain passes in the mythical land of Haben-Aero.

What Is Your Rap Name?:  Your rap name is Scratchy Smooth.  Your def lyrics are interspersed with the rhythmic scratching of your chronic eczema.

What Is Your California Prison ID Number?:  Your number is 0098329904-K.  You are currently incarcerated for insurance fraud.  Your cellmate is in for assault, attempted murder and animal cruelty.  You have no gang affiliations yet, and shower day is Tuesday.  It is recommended that you start fashioning a shiv from an old toothbrush and learn to make wine in a stainless steel toilet.

The nose of this pinot noir is assertive, with berry notes and urine undertones.   (Image from flovac dot com)

The nose of this pinot noir is assertive, with subtle berry notes and urine undertones. (Image from flovac dot com)

What Career Should You Actually Have: According to our personality test, you should be the curb man on a trash truck in suburban Baton Rouge, Louisiana.  Your ability to jump on and off slow moving vehicles and tolerate foul smells will serve you well.  In addition, your embracing the idea of one man’s trash being another man’s treasure may result in an early retirement.

You wear zee mask, no?  Eez keenkee!  Let us play games, my sweet. (Image from en dot wikipedia dot org)

“You wear zee mask, no? Eez keenkee! Let us play games, my sweet.” – You are a raccoon, but Pepe Le Pew thinks you’re a skunk who’s into playing dress up.(Image from en dot wikipedia dot org)

What Animal You Would Be If You Weren’t Already A Human Animal?:  You personality test reveals that you would be an indecisive raccoon on the side of a busy interstate.  You might not be one for long though.  Looks like there’s a break in the traffic right here, you should go…Now!…No! Wait!…No No – Go!  Oops.

Which “Sopranos” Character Are You?:  The results show that you’re already in Jersey and a little overweight.  You are Freddy “Pine Nuts” DiDomenico.  You may or may not currently be in the witness relocation program, and we really can’t give any more details than that.

As we learned from my answers in the “Which ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ Character Are You?” quiz, I’m exceedingly generous.  In that spirit, if you tell me one or two things about yourself in the comments section, I will tell you which character in my many blogs or in my personal life best matches your unique personality.  If you give me no traits, I’ll just randomly assign one to you, and we’ll all have a hearty laugh at your expense.

63 responses

  1. I am gullible but jaded: I’m not sure that all of these are actual quizzes, but I’d be interested to try them.

    Another blogger wrote a similar summary of his quiz results, which included a Friends character quiz. No brainer, thought I. I’m sure I know the answer. Nope. It turns out I’m Mike Hannigan. I don’t even remember Mike Hannigan.

  2. Too funny. I dreamt last night that I was back in my 20’s, living in a combination brothel/ “bath house” (I’m female), and auditioning for Saturday Night Live with Kristen Wieg. Lorne Micheals thought I killed it. I woke up back in my 50’s with a sink full of dirty dishes that mysteriously appeared overnight, along with a painfully burned popcorn pot that neither of my (fully grown) kids will ever scrub. Who am I?? ( I ask myself, too)

  3. I think from this post that you are in for some disturbing solicitation emails.
    Please post about them.

    Two things about myself?
    I don’t like cilantro.
    Pralines are my favorite nut. Next to you.

  4. Me! Me! Traits: I think you’re hilarious (which probably means I’m clinically insane) and I LUV dark chocolate, sometimes with a hint of cayenne. :) Also, I’m bossy and play tennis. How these relate I have no idea.

  5. I’ve got enough voices in my head screaming for attention, why would I need an alter ego? It’s difficult enough just being me 24/7. With all those alters you just acquired, aren’t you having just a little teensy bit of an identity crisis?

    You are one funny dude. Loved your post!

  6. Well, here goes.
    I like piña coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
    And I frequently do yoga, because I only have half a brain.
    Feed that into your algorithm thingey.

  7. “Star Trek – When Epics Fail; The Auroras Bore Me, Alice”. Bwahahahaha!

    With your mad personality skills I’m sure you’ll soon be even more popular than Marianne around the cell-block.

    Sorry about having to turn you in for that insurance fraud beef, though.

  8. I stumbled upon your blog today. Don’t know how I missed it before. Good stuff! Also, I too have taken some of those silly personality tests. Most recently I took the Star Wars test even though I’ve only seen the first few films (I have a lot of catching up to do I guess). As it turned out the test said that I’m Amadalla (sp?), and I’m not even sure who that is.

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