In most of the USA, it’s illegal to use a cell phone while driving, unless you use a hands-free device. What’s baffling is that many people apparently believe that driving while holding their cell phone like a French bread pizza in front of their pie holes is somehow less dangerous than holding it up to their ears, and therefore should be considered less illegal.
I’m no cop, and I have no idea if the open-faced sandwich defense will hold water in court, but it makes me wonder if there are similar strategies for using style points to try to keep oneself out of jail for other offenses.
Illegal Actvity: Talking on a cell phone while driving
Stylish Alternative: Talking on a cell phone while driving, but holding it like a little diving board for your tongue instead of like a phone.
Verdict: You’re still a tool. $100 fine.
Illegal Actvity: Hold the pistol vertically with your dominant hand, and brace it with your other hand to shoot at innocent people.
Stylish Alternative: Hold the pistol sideways with one hand while gesturing in a menacing manner with your free hand, possibly throwing gang signs and/or waving a giant foam “We’re Number One!” hand.
Verdict: It’s been proven in courts that the sideways grasp will not get you off the hook for guilt, despite the obvious style points. Please Note – While alternative grips do not appear to hold sway in Florida courtrooms, the color of the hand doing the grasping may play a role.
Illegal Activity: Littering in a public place.
Stylish Alternative: Missing from 3-point land complete with play by play and crowd noises provided by the offender.
Alternative Stylish Alternative – Winter Olympics Tribute: Littering curling-technique where you shove your trash and have it slide across the ground while a friend or two scurry in front of it sweeping like crazy.
Verdict: You’re still a tool – go pick that shit up and throw it away! Don’t make me come down offa this porch! $50 fine and community service.
Illegal Activity: Yelling “Fire” in a crowded theater.
Stylish Alternative: Yelling “Fuoco!” in a theater showing a Fellini film festival.
Verdict: The butterfly in the park scene symbolizes the fleeting nature of youth and frailty of human relationships. You’re still guilty, but with a deeper appreciation for the stark beauty of the inside of a jail cell. 30 days in the foro.
Illegal Activity: Public Urination
Stylish Alternative: Going number one while striking a pose as a cherub in a historic city center fountain as your friends laugh nearby.
Verdict: Guilty, but possibly worth a minor bit of internet stardom. It’s a shame about your photo bombing the background of that couple’s wedding portraits. $150 fine, not allowed within 500 feet of a school for next 10 years.
Illegal Activity: Public Intoxication (See Public Urination Above)
Stylish Alternative: Attempting to distract arresting officers with avant garde poetry and interpretive dance performance.
Verdict: The pirouette attempt could be construed as malicious intent; Tased, $300 fine, time served.
Illegal Activity: Smoking where prohibited.
Stylish Alternative: Wearing a smoking jacket, ascot, jaunty cap and using a cigarette holder.
Verdict: You’re still a dick (literally in the case of the recycled illustration) $50 fine and increased chance of emphysema.
37 thoughts on “It’s All In The Wrist”
Hahahaha! Very funny and so true. You really missed your calling to be a judge, your creative flare on these verdicts could go a long way. I have no words for your sketch except … I WANT IT! The ascot and cigarette holder are killing me…hahaha!
I’ll take the high road and avoid commenting on your obvious yearning for the well dressed Mr. Carlos Danger. I think you may find that even in a tasteful frame, he won’t go with too many decors, although I’m sure there’s a powder room or two he’d fit in. Drop me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org, and we’ll see what we can do about getting a color Xerox sent your way, if you actually want one. You’re so close, I might have to hand deliver it.
That dick pic is hysterical, Dave! What a way to start my morning, thanks for the laughs.
Thanks! I’ve decided to recycle my drawings at least once each. He was originally featured in my exclusive interview with NYC mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner’s weiner.
In an act of shameless self promotion, here’s the link to the Anthony Weiner’s weiner interview, where the illustration first appeared. https://1pointperspective.wordpress.com/2013/07/29/a-weiner-by-any-other-name/
That fancy, hoity penis cracks me up. Thanks for that, now off to take a whiz in my neighbors garden.
He’s a funny Dick.
LOL! That he is.
Computer monitor dripping spewed coffee.
Keyboard about ready to explode.
Hunting for barn boots to save receiving electrical shock.
Wait…electrical shock? Could bring back reality.
Barn boots on you are like stiletto heels on normal mortal women.
In your dreams.
You should run for Governor.
Considering my state of residence, I’m not a big enough dick to run for pubic office.
Run on an “non closure” ticket.
I’ll roll up my hat and throw it in the ring!
I love it. Lovett. I really do. So damn funny. Thanks.
Glad you liked it Tommy. There’s plenty more levity to come, just as soon as something strikes me funny.
Oh, um, I do that French bread pizza thing with the phone. Dang. Guess I’m going to have to do the hated earphone deal now. Dang.
Don’t sweat it Peg, I’m sure you look damn stylish doing it. Also…The way you hold your Glock, the way you sing off key…
Oh, no they CAN’T take that away from me. (Pavlov’s singer)
I knew I could count on you…
Littering makes my blood boil – espeically from CARS!
Your comment brings to mind the governor-turned-nature-boy in the Carl Hiasson books.
Never heard of him!
You do know that sweet cherub is actually a classic statue in Brussels, right? There is a story behind it and everything. I once walked for hours to find the original and had to stop several times for drinks before being entirely disappointed, it is very small. The name of the statue is Manneken Pis, or Little man Pee.
The rest, fabulous.
Sometimes the foreign language version sounds more exotic and romantic…sometimes it sounds like “mannequin piss”.
That is exactly what it sounds like. 😉
Shoot, you should try holding your gloc correctly while pissing in a fountain. And then your phone rings.
Been there, done that. Ended up putting the Glock and the Samsung in a giant bowl of uncooked rice for a week, but neither one ever really worked that well after that.
I’d have put the unit on rice too, just to be safe.
The key is to never accidentally cook the rice for dinner.
right-o. You’d have pee pee platter, then.
Classic dick drawing… Thank you for my new Facebook profile pic.
I’m going to find and friend you, just to make sure you’re using the drawing, plus I wanna know when to send birthday greetings and motivational posters.
I’m still laughing at Carlos the classic dick. I want it as my desktop picture, but I don’t think it will go down well with work, oddly enough.
Glad you enjoyed the pic. If you insist on using the drawing for your desktop pic at work, I’d advise you to practice saying “It’s ART, you moron!” to any naysayers. Please note, you’ll need to keep a straight face and really sell your indignation if you have any hope of getting away with it. I’d send you a color Xerox of it, but ironically, the penis drawing doesn’t reproduce well. If you’d like to see the original post I used my drawing in, here’s the link: https://1pointperspective.wordpress.com/2013/07/29/a-weiner-by-any-other-name/