The Eyes Have It

In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need glasses to see clearly.  In a slightly less-than-perfect world, those of us who need glasses would discover that every pair we tried on made us look like the models in the posters plastered on the walls of the local eye glass boutique.  Any life-long wearer of glasses can look at those models and tell you that none of those pretty people even wears glasses, unless they’re paid to do so.

Now that I have the attention of the women and gay men in my reading audience, allow me to assure you I don't look like this young stud, with or without glasses.  If you actually think a guy as perfect as this doesn't have 20/20 vision, you're delusional enough to go eye glass shopping with me.  (Image from fanpop dot com)
Now that I have the attention of the women and gay men in my reading audience, allow me to assure you I don’t look like this young stud, with or without glasses. If you actually think a guy as perfect as this doesn’t have 20/20 vision, you’re delusional enough to go eye glass shopping with me. (Image from fanpop dot com)

As much as I’d like to see some ruggedly handsome transformation of my face once I try a pair of frames on, I am usually greeted with one of the following versions of myself instead.

A young Roger Ebert with Russ Meyer.  This serves as an example of why I also avoid sweater vests.  On a personal note, I was always more of a Siskel man myself.  (Image from wikimedia commons)
A young Roger Ebert with Russ Meyer. This serves as an example of why I also avoid sweater vests. On a personal note, I was always more of a Siskel man myself. (Image from wikimedia commons)

The Young Roger Ebert Look:  Make no mistake, Roger Ebert was a great film critic and displayed a rare brand of grace and courage when he fought thyroid cancer.  Be that as it may, when I try on a pair of larger glasses with solid frames, I bear something of a resemblance to a young Roger, which is not the look I’m typically going for.  I guess it could be worse and I could look like a male Sally Jesse Raphael.

This photo doesn't do Vandy proper justice, then again, I'm recalling his image from a dusty brain who last saw him 43 years ago on a Sears TV with aluminum foil on the antenna. (Image from sitcomsonline dot com)
This photo doesn’t do Vandy justice, then again, I’m recalling his image using the dusty brain of a man who last saw him 47 years ago on a black and white Sears TV with an aluminum foil antenna. (Image from sitcomsonline dot com)

The Vanderbilt From F-Troop Look:  Excuse me while I date myself with a reference to an obscure character on an old TV show.  Some of you senior citizens may recall Vanderbilt (or Vandy as Agarn would call him).  He was the fat, visually impaired soldier in F-Troop who could be seen chatting up horses he mistook for pretty ladies and falling down the well on at least three separate episodes.  This was back in the days before political correctness, when people could be made fun of for having poor vision, just like Mr. Magoo.  If I try on glasses with lenses which are too small for my face, I end up looking like Vandy.  Despite my not living in an area with too many horses or open wells, it’s not a look I’m comfortable with.

I'm not sure what this guy was charged with, but he is wearing an orange jumpsuit and was found on whatacreep dot com, so you can jump to your own conclusion.  I used to see him out curtting his lawn, he seemed like a nice enough guy...kept to himself, kinda quiet.  (Image from whatacreep dot com)
I’m not sure what this guy was charged with, but he is wearing what appears to be an orange jumpsuit and was found on whatacreep dot com, so you can jump to your own conclusion. I used to see him out cutting his lawn, he seemed like a nice enough guy…kept to himself, kinda quiet. (Image from whatacreep dot com)

The Creepy Convict From Down The Block Look:  If I try on any pair which doesn’t easily fit into the other categories, I may be surprised and a little scared to look in the mirror and see the guy from three blocks over who was just arrested for some sort of deviant activity.  We all know the type.  When neighbors are interviewed, they’re always shocked that he has been arrested for being a peeping tom, animal porn collector or Sarah Palin stalker.  Watching TV at home, we look at his mugshot and wonder how anyone could have imagined he wasn’t up to something nasty.

If someone stops and offers you a ride and he's wearing glasses like these, you should walk...or maybe run is better.  (Image of Jeffrey Dahmer from rapgenius dot com)
If someone stops and offers you a ride and he’s wearing glasses like these, you should walk away…or maybe run. (Image of Jeffrey Dahmer from rapgenius dot com)

The Serial Killer Look: When I try on a pair of snappy aviators, I hope to see a cool looking pilot or race-car driver looking back at me in the mirror.  Instead, I see a guy who has moved well beyond the “Creepy Convict” look listed above and into a whole different dimension of evil next door.  He knows where the bodies are buried, because he’s the one who buried them.  I don’t think even serial killers want to look like this.

For the record, I seldom wear an ascot, unless you count the self-portrait I recently used to in my post "It's All In The Wrist".  (Image from milliesmoviestowatch dot blogpsot dot com)
For the record, I seldom wear an ascot, unless you count the self-portrait I recently used to in my post “It’s All In The Wrist“. (Image from milliesmoviestowatch dot blogpsot dot com)

The Mel Cooley Look: Now that my hair has left my head to migrate to other parts of my body, I no longer resemble a young Roger Ebert (or a young anyone for that matter).  To be perfectly honest, large frame glasses now make me resemble the actor Richard Deacon, who was best known for his role as Mel Cooley on the old Dick Van Dyke show.  There is one saving grace of resembling characters from really old TV shows, most of the young people I know have no idea who these characters were, so to them, I just look like an old, bald guy in glasses.  I suppose that’s a good thing.  I don’t necessarily like the look, but I need to see where the hell I’m going.

As much as I’d like to let you all believe that I’m some kind of creative genius who comes up with these thoughts out of thin air, I’m not.  The lovely and talented “She’s a Maineiac” wrote a post recently about her possibly needing new glasses, and it spurred me on to share the trials and tribulations with my own miserable experiences shopping for fashion eye wear.  If you don’t read her blog, you’re missing out.  Just don’t forget who sent you over there.

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27 thoughts on “The Eyes Have It

  1. Whenever I go to the optometrist, I’m always intimidated by those giant posters of good looking people in glasses. I think that’s false advertising because I just end up looking like Sally Jesse Raphael.

  2. You need to update this post somewhere with the words “Groucho Marx glasses”. I wrote a post on glasses and that term is the number one search term that lands people on my blog. Seriously.
    I look like a 1950s accountant in my latest glasses. I’m hoping people give me their money.

  3. I’ve been through every decade of fashion eyewear. I’ve worn glasses that were as large as my car’s bumper. I’ve settled into a purple pair with rhinestones on the frame. Yeah, I think I’m rocking that look. At this stage in my life, I don’t give a damn if I look like Phyllis Diller.

  4. 1) Male Sally Jesse Raphael is a fantastic reference at any time of the day. 2) Did you know who you were going to search/post for these glasses examples ahead of time? How the hell did you find them? 3) Young Roger Ebert is amazing.

    1. In all seriousness, I really do see all of those people in the mirror when trying on glasses. Obviously, young Ebert has been replaced by Mel Cooley. My current pair are kind of narrow, hipster chic glasses that make me look like Stanley Tucci with a case of giantism.

  5. I want glasses that make me look good when I look at myself in the mirror.
    Something in a “rose-colored” tone perhaps.

    PS: Stanley Tucci is hot with a capital ouch.

  6. I love the trend in glasses. The last time I bought them after LASIK failed in one of my eyes, the style was small wire rims. Now I would like some badass red or purple hipster glasses!!
    Go Mel!

  7. Personally, I rock the serial killer look even with my 20/20 vision. And I actually manage to look even more suspicious with every kind of accessory (glasses, ascot, hat). Considering that I’m already “quiet and keeps to himself” type, I’ve decided that since I’ll be the first suspect, serial killing is not for me.

    P.S. have you considered contact lenses?

    1. Contact lenses?! Then I’d look like…eww! Unless I got those vampire ones, then I’d look like a cross between Robert Pattinson’s bald uncle and Morris the cat. Actually, I’m too itchy and scratchy for contacts, I’d rub my eyes so hard those lenses would be floating around my frontal cortex.

  8. I cant reply, to your reply, to someone else’s comment (about the neckerchief?) May I suggest that you increase your nested comments to a zillion? If nothing else, it would be like a dare to The Universe to send your blog some REALLY lengthy comment exchanges.
    😀

    1. I’d like to offer you a bazillion apologies. I had no idea what nested comment settings were, but I endeavored to find out. I was surprised to discover that mine was set at three. I scrolled down to max them out at 10. A zillion didn’t appear to be an option, but then, I have the free version, so…

      1. I suspected as much. — No apology needed. It’s just one of the many services I provide. I live out my days sharing this gem of information with scores of people who have blogs that are infinitely more popular, funny, interesting and consistent than mine. It’s just what I do.

        Of course I have MY blog’s “threaded (nested) comments” set to 10 (nailed it), yet I have never needed it. Hmmm.

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