The receptionist is out on maternity leave and the secretary is busy doing important work, like running the place and getting my car detailed. I’ve been assigned the arduous task of handling the memos. Today’s memos cover reality TV shows.
Memo
To: Network programming people
Message: Re-running the same episode but with the Tweeted comments of idiots inserted into the corner of the picture does not constitute new entertainment. You may fool my DVR with this ploy, but I see right through it. If I wanted the opinions of dolts added to my viewing experience, I’d watch TV down at the corner bar. For the record, @pornstarrentacar Tweets “#1ptperspective I agree, man. U blog truth! – this episode sux as bad as 1st time – even Twitter cant help it”
Memo
To: TV Creative Consultants
Message: We’ve seen a married couple survive the wilderness, we’ve seen a barefoot hippy dude paired with a military-type guy survive the wilderness, we’ve seen a British guy who allegedly spent his nights out of the wilderness off-camera in luxury hotels survive the wilderness, we’ve seen a guy with nothing but a couple of cameras and a harmonica survive the wilderness, and most recently we’ve seen pairs of naked strangers survive the wilderness. How about making a show about people who don’t survive the wilderness?
Memo
To: TV Location Scouts
Message: Alaska is an enormous state, but it’s relatively sparsely populated. We’ve now got shows which include nearly every segment of its population, including state troopers, crab fishermen, gold miners, ice-road truck drivers, dredge gold miners, lumberjacks, vice presidential candidates, mountain men and homesteaders. By my reckoning, the only remaining segments of the population who don’t have their own shows are convenience store clerks and salmon cannery workers. Please begin taping the shows about these last two groups as soon as possible, so we can move on to another state. FYI, I hear Delaware is beautiful at this time of the year and to the best of my knowledge, no one has done a show about chicken farmers yet.
1pointperspective 
Darling….My oath to love you through thick and thin is…thinning.
Yikes! How can I reverse that trend? I’d like our blog love to be Rubenseque if not downright zaftig.
I have an idea for a show: let’s catch the people with the most annoying tweets in the corner of the screen, and make them survive the wilderness of Delaware chicken farms?
They’ll tire of chicken sooner or later, and they’ll have to leave the comfort of the coops for the open bean fields. That’s when the episodes get good.
I think they’ll head for the bean fields sooner than you think, because some of the chicken farmers have rifles and don’t like when people are stealing their chickens.
Plus, the aroma of a chicken coop kind of kills the desire to actually eat chicken anyway. Might as well fill up on GMO laden soy.
Memo
To: Annoyed/annoying Blog Dude
From: Network programming people
We appreciate you taking the time to give your opinion on our smash new show “Two Naked Strangers Get ReMuddy.” What you fail to realize is that this programming has been totally refreshed and updated for today’s audience. Not only do we include tweeted reactions, but each one is accompanied by a “doink/bubble pop” sound effect when it appears on the screen.
The doink/bubble pop is the key! It’s just enough of a distraction to get me to look over there and see what “Redheddedstranger/danger” has to say about the muddy survivors. It’s nearly always a disappointing comment with no sarcasm or wit. By the time I’m able to refocus on the on-screen action, I’ve missed the butchering of the snake.
You forgot the show about two naked strangers called, “Naked and Afraid.”
I wish I was joking. #icanseehisweiner
I was actually inspired to write this because every other time my DVR tells me there’s a new episode of Nakd and Afraid, it’s actually a rerun with Tweets in the corner of the screen. It’s a pretty ridiculous show, but I can’t help but watch it, because there aren’t that many traffic accidents on my usual commute to gawk at..
I so wanted to punch that one chick in the mimsy.
“..in the mimsy” Someone, please hold me as I chuckle.
I love a mirthful chuckle.
If I used to live in the wilderness between two Delaware chicken houses, does that mean I get a reality show too? And I’ve never watched those shows, but I think someone should be forced to pick up the dead chickens as part of the wilderness experience. It’s awful. 😦
I only pick up dead chickens at the supermarket. Nowhere near as traumatic I’m sure.
What’s Delaware? Oh, yeah, that’s New Jersey’s welcome mat.
The world will know about Delaware soon enough, my friend. Rumor has it that upcoming reality TV shows from the Diamond State include “Up Close In The Coop” a gritty look at factory farmed poultry, and “Uncle Dewey Pays My Taxes” an exclusive look into the boring life of CPA’s in a state where duPont covers most of the tax bills for residents. Stay tuned!
Grrr. I hate those stupid comments in the corner of my screen almost as much as I hate the freaking adds that continually run along the bottom of the screen. Especially the ones with character running around. I can only take in so much info at one time. By the way, I’d like to see your “memos” to the producers of shows like Honey Boo Boo and 99 Kids and Counting. I’ll look forward to that post. Cheers!
Hopefully the memos continue. It’s easier than coming up with an actual outline and composed post.
*chuckle*
One of our survival experts had to have a cup of cocoa before end time every night. Ruined the illusion somewhat
Reality shows about annoying, obnoxious people and people with mental issues have been exhausted, too. Nothing is new. Nothing. You can’t put lipstick on a pig and call her Paris Hilton. We can see some differences around the eyes. Anyway, I think TV shows about pets offers untapped potential. I think so. But what do I know? I’m watching reruns of The Rifleman and The Doris Day Show.
I’ll take The Addams Family or The Beverly Hillbillies over anything that’s on TV today. These kids and their shows! Sheesh!
You convince me I am right in not watching any of these shows. There is no reason. I say, it would be more interesting to bug all offices of all political action groups, all politicians and call this a Reality show, run unedited of course.
This was awesome but true, and all this time I thought it was only me.
Now there’s two of us 🙂
A scary thought.