I screwed up my arm at work. After soldiering on for weeks like some kind of optimistic martyr, I finally got the diagnosis and a very quick surgery date. The nice thing about the surgery being scheduled so suddenly was that it barely gave me time to convince myself that I would die on the operating table, or slip into a coma and wake up to find the world overrun with zombies with no sign of my wife or best friend Shane (Please excuse the Walking Dead reference, there won’t be any more, I promise).
In any case, the surgical repair of my distal bicep rupture has left me down a hand for the summer. My right arm has turned into an aching, worthless piece of luggage filled with mismatched socks and tightey whiteys with the elastic shot out. Much as I’d like to abandon it on the baggage carousel, I’m sure I’ll need it eventually.
I managed to avoid wasting precious pre-surgical time fretting about my potential adverse reactions to anesthesia by scrambling to get as many two handed jobs done around the house as possible. I moved a bunch of furniture, fixed some drywall, caulked the tub and cleaned out the gutters (Handymen and -women might point out that caulking a tub is a job which can be done one handed, but in my case, I can barely manage it with two hands and 3 or 4 rolls of paper towels).
Luckily the surgery date was so soon that I was spared cleaning out the basement or alphabetizing the garage.
The novelty of my one-handed reality wore off nearly as rapidly as the pain meds. I quickly discovered that nearly every pair of shorts I own have drawstrings. I also realized that my selection of slip-on shoes is severely limited. There’s a possibility that I could tie a bow one handed, but it would not likely be a very good one, and could take hours.
Brushing my teeth is not difficult, and floss sticks work great one handed. The rest of my bathroom activities however, are more of an adventure. In the spirit of discretion, I’ll spare you gentle readers any specifics (Unless you read the caption for the photo below).
For the time being, I’m still in the ace-wrap, rigid splint and sling ensemble I wore as I left the surgery center. Fashion critics agree the basic little black sling is accented perfectly with the ecru bandage – it’s elegant without being pretentious. Soon, I go back for the dressing change and possible wardrobe upgrade. I’m tingling with anticipation, or maybe it’s just nerve damage.
Great job, 3ProngPitchfork.
Obviously this means I have to do your barn chores. Again.
I’m not *likin* this one damn bit…
(Get well quick, Darling.)
Thanks Darling! Unfortunately “quick” is not a word usually associated with rehab for this injury, luckily, I drink ambidextrously. Perhaps I’ll draw something this summer.
If it’s any consolation, I’ll keep you company, spinning yarns and yabbering about this and that while you muck the stalls.
Double duty it is! You drink my share and I’ll muck yours, SweetNess. There will be payback….
Feel better soon! Something tells me the appreciation you’ll have for two hands will be overwhelming in about 4 to 6 weeks. Hang in there and keep us posted on your one armed adventures!
Will do. I’m already suffering from the early symptoms of cabin fever, despite the warm (but wet) weather outside. If things dry up, I’m going to try my one hand at one-handed lawn mowing. What’s the worst that could happen, right?
Hahaha! Something tells me you are going to become extremely creative.
“Creative” may not be the most accurate adjective, but time will tell. At the very least, I’ll be working on a few loose-ended projects.
Glad your typing arm still functions. This was great fun to read!
Thanks! Actually despite (arguable) artistic abilities in my left and (absent) athletic abilities in my right, neither hand takes credit for being able to type. This comment reply alone took me 23 minutes.
So sorry to hear about the right arm injury. Glad surgery went well. I hope you have a smooth recovery. One cannot go without toileting skills for long…
Toileting proficiency is under control – necessity tends to sharpen the skills up quickly.
Haha, good to hear!
You’ll be back to wiping your ass with both hands before you know it.
Lucky for me, these pain meds have the side effect of constipation, so the jury is still out on how much wiping there will be to do anyway.
*snort* Comment win!
He knows I give a shit.
He plunged right into it with this post.
True enough. I jumped right in with both feet and one arm.
I don’t give awards for great comments, as they often outshine the post, but merbear74 should qualify for some sort of prize. No prize money in the budget? Oh well, a nice round of applause will have to suffice. C’mon everybody, let’s hear your hands!
*clapping sounds from blogs all around the world*
Except from Dave’s blog. Where we hear the non-sound of one hand clapping.
Unable to applaud properly, I sat in my comfy chair and called out, “Here Here!”
“Draw with your left hand.”
I laughed and laughed. And then I realized you were talking about actual drawing. As in, with a pencil, on paper. Not unzipping and…you get the picture. Laughing turned into snorting then tears. Not every man has that effect on women.
Sadly, unzipping often result in tears and or derisive laughter for many men….not me of course…
Happy weekend, Deb!
Hang in there dude, well not literally. You better not hang on anything for a while unless it’s with your left arm…. You might want to practice doing things with your toes. They can be pretty dexterous…
Believe it or not, I’ve been known to pick up a tennis ball with my toes. This isn’t so much a feat of dexterity as it is a byproduct of giant feet and toes.
That will soon come in very handy! After my double boobectomy a year ago, I couldn’t use my arms except for eating or drinking. I was sore and used my feet too!
I would’ve replied sooner, but I was out mowing the lawn. Wasn’t too bad once I figured out how to work the pull cord with my foot.
Are you planning to whack the weeds next?
Changing the cutting line on the weed whacker could be a challenge, as I typically can only spool counter-clockwise with my toes. Stay tuned…
I will!!!
And good luck. You don’t want to have any accidents with your toes. Then you would really be SOL!
True enough. Gotta keep my toes well toe-ned and healthy.
Hahaha!
That is ever so much better than, toe-ning it down until you heal. Why wait when you have such dexterous toes!
Maybe you should pull out the chain saw and trim a couple of branches too….