Optimism is all well and good, but many of you get a little carried away at this time of the year with your resolutions. Perhaps it’s the promise of a fresh start, or the regret that comes with an epic New Year’s hangover. For whatever reason, you simply set the bar impossibly high for yourselves in the coming year. More often than not, your credit card bills for holiday spending haven’t even arrived before most of your resolutions have already been shot to hell.
A wise (and impossibly upbeat, annoying) person would suggest that every day is a new beginning; that we can each strive to just be a better person every morning. It’s a pretty good idea to resolve to stay away from people like that. It may prove to be a tough promise to keep, especially for those of you in twelve step programs or Turkish prisons.
Here now, are some typically unachievable New Year’s resolutions with saner alternatives. You can resolve to thank me later. In an effort to show how to set and achieve resolutions, I’ve resolved to use old photos from previous posts to illustrate this one. Done and done.
Resolution #1: Renew your gym membership / Exercise regularly
Problem: Gym memberships pose many problems. For one thing, the obligatory monthly payments and over-priced juice bars may derail financial management resolutions you may be considering (refer to Resolution 3 below). There’s also a good chance you haven’t been to the gym since the last time you made this hollow promise about twelve months ago. A slim possibility exists that the gym has folded and the lease was taken over by a do-it-yourself dog-grooming enterprise. It’s still recommended that you wipe down the equipment when done.
1 PP Resolution Solution: Change your perspective. By most standards, you’re over-weight and about as active as an arthritic tree sloth, but compared to some folks, you’re the picture of health and living an active lifestyle. Resolve to spend more time in cemeteries. Next to the dead, you’ll probably look pretty fit. While you’re there, you might as well walk around a little.
Resolution #2: Eat a healthier diet / Lose weight
Problem: A healthier diet will almost certainly include more fruits, dark green leafy vegetabley things and less processed junk. You’re on a first-name basis with the people in the window at the local drive-thru. The produce clerks at the local health food co-op shift their glances nervously between you and the AED every time they see you lumbering down the aisle.
1 PP Resolution Solution: What really matters in life? Looking good and treating your body like a temple, or having friends? Buy a fistful of scratch-off lottery tickets for your friends at Jack-In-The-Box and nurture your fellowship with that bunch of zany kids! Those cucumber waxers over at Whole Foods were never going to be your pals anyway.
Resolution #3: Get out of debt / Improve your financial management
Problem: Committing yourself to improving your money situation won’t get you a raise down at The Kraft Shak. There’s no need for a calculator to figure out that even going without food and shelter, you couldn’t pay off those credit cards before next year’s resolutions.
1 PP Resolution Solution: Financial experts agree that diversification of investments is key. If it works for Jimmy Buffett’s rich uncle Warren, it should work for you too. So when you buy those scratch-offs, make sure you get a wide variety of them. Bonus Hint: Use a key to scratch off the ticket, having loose coins around will only encourage frivolous spending.
Resolution #4: Do more for others / Be a better citizen of the world
Problem: Let’s face it, volunteering is not as much fun as you thought it would be. The pay is even less than you what you clear at The Kraft Shak. In addition, soup kitchens and Habitat for Humanity building sites are teeming with those wildly optimistic, happy-pants yahoos we all agreed to avoid in the beginning of this post.
1 PP Resolution Solution: First of all, you need to steer clear of late night TV ads which result in you donating pennies a day to the orphaned kittens of Botswana. I mean really, how much of your 12 cents do really think goes to those scrawny little tabbies? If you’re still hell-bent on doing good, you can come over here and rake my yard or shovel my driveway without me having to drop hints over and over again. There might even be a cup of cocoa in it for you, but I’m not making any promises.
Resolution #5: Improve your attitude and coping strategies
Problem: Dealing with the challenges the world throws your way is what life is all about. You know that getting passed over for the assistant head checker position down at the Crap Shak shouldn’t have mattered so much, but you ended up sulking for weeks. How the hell can you expected to be happy and upbeat when the world keeps dumping out second helpings of poop on your plate?
1PP Resolution Solution: If you’ve followed my sage advice thus far, you’re probably reading this as you sit on a tombstone, eating a Jum-Bo-Valu meal amid the sad clutter of losing lottery tickets and dead flowers. As if that isn’t bad enough, your back is sore from doing gratis yard work over at Casa del One-Point (For future reference, bring your own rake next time – I’m not running a lending library here). My final bit of wisdom is that you stop making promises which will inevitably end in you disappointing yourself.
You’re quite welcome.