I look for blog topics everywhere I go. A case in point, while looking through a trash can near the Santa Monica pier for half eaten burritos and/or aluminum cans, a wadded up piece of paper from a yellow legal tablet caught my eye.
I unwrinkled and smoothed it out as much as I could. After reading it over a few times, I’m convinced that this random piece of trash may in fact be Bruce Jenner’s Bucket List. Give it the once over and decide for yourself (I took the liberty of adding a few pictures – the original only had some doodles of hearts, unicorns and Olympic rings in the margins).
1. Win Olympic Gold Medal – Done 1976
2. Grace the cover of the Wheaties box – Done (Twice, but who’s counting?)
3. Get involved with a zany family – Done – Married Kris Kardashian 1991
4. Become a reality TV star – Done – After various attempts, finally hit the big time with “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” in 2007
5. Give Kim all the relationship advice I can – I’ve tried, Lord knows I’ve tried. She’s Kanye’s problem now!
6. Get safely past the menopause years before changing my gender – As a 65 year old gal, I’ll avoid hot flashes and qualify for an AARP discount at The Fashion Hutt! Since I technically still have my boy parts, I can’t cross this one off the list just yet!
7. Become a woman just in time to take advantage of the Bea Arthur estate sale – I haven’t seen any flyers posted down at the community center, I hope I didn’t miss it!
8. Find the most sure-fire way possible to get back on the front of the tabloids – Done! Those rags are gobbling this story up! The only celebrities who have weirder stories than me are Michael Jackson and Elvis, and they’re both (supposedly) dead.
9. Piss off the Wheaties people by going both gluten free and penis free – Almost done. I assume I’m close to achieving this, their people haven’t returned my people’s calls in a few years
10. Get on “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon” – Done!
11. Get on “I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here!” – Done!!
12. Get on “My Strange Addiction” – They haven’t called yet, but I’m thinking they will
13. Talk to Kim about how to get some junk in my trunk – Maybe when she’s done breaking the interweb and naming her kids after directions on a compass, she can give me some booty pointers
14. Play Pebble Beach from the ladies tees. Soon, baby…Soon!
15. If I’m going to throw the javelin, I need to learn to throw it like a girl (and not one of those East German chicks from back in my Olympic days). I saw on that Super Bowl commercial that it’s not politically correct to talk about “throwing like a girl”, but if I’ve learned one thing from this “journey” it’s that just growing my hair long and smearing some Mary Kay foundation over my 5 o’clock shadow doesn’t make me a woman.
16. Learn how to walk in heels – I won the Olympic decathlon, for crying out loud! How hard can a nice pair of pumps be?!
17. Make America proud – Done! That gold medal in ’76 certainly did the trick
18. Make America throw up in its mouth a little – Working on it every day. I can do this, I know I can!
19. Take advantage of these incredible cheekbones! – This rouge is tricky stuff. If I don’t get the hang of it, I’m going to end up looking like Leona Helmsley
20. Start peeing sitting down – This one should be easy, after teetering around in those heels, I’ll take any chance I can get to get off my feet!