Bruce Jenner’s Bucket List

I look for blog topics everywhere I go.  A case in point, while looking through a trash can near the Santa Monica pier for half eaten burritos and/or aluminum cans, a wadded up piece of paper from a yellow legal tablet caught my eye.

If you get a big enough bucket, you can fit quite a few things in it (and on it).  Officially the most fun I've had with my new smart phone. (Collage by the author)
If you get a big enough bucket, you can fit quite a few things in it (and on it). Officially the most fun I’ve had with my new smart phone. (Collage by the author)

I unwrinkled and smoothed it out as much as I could.  After reading it over a few times, I’m convinced that this random piece of trash may in fact be Bruce Jenner’s Bucket List.  Give it the once over and decide for yourself  (I took the liberty of adding a few pictures – the original only had some doodles of hearts, unicorns and Olympic rings in the margins).

 

1. Win Olympic Gold MedalDone 1976

2. Grace the cover of the Wheaties boxDone (Twice, but who’s counting?)

3. Get involved with a zany familyDone – Married Kris Kardashian 1991

4. Become a reality TV starDone – After various attempts, finally hit the big time with “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” in 2007

5. Give Kim all the relationship advice I canI’ve tried, Lord knows I’ve tried.  She’s Kanye’s problem now!

6. Get safely past the menopause years before changing my genderAs a 65 year old gal, I’ll avoid hot flashes and qualify for an AARP discount at The Fashion Hutt!  Since I technically still have my boy parts, I can’t cross this one off the list just yet!

These will be a big hit when I hit for the early bird special down at the clubhouse.  Black balls for formal occasion, high-optic green tennis balls after Labor Day! (Image from hollowtreeventures dot com)
These walker-heels will be a smash for the early-bird special down at the clubhouse. Remember Bruce, black balls for formal occasions and of course, no high-optic green tennis balls after Labor Day! (Image from hollowtreeventures dot com)

7. Become a woman just in time to take advantage of the Bea Arthur estate saleI haven’t seen any flyers posted down at the community center, I hope I didn’t miss it!

8. Find the most sure-fire way possible to get back on the front of the tabloidsDone!  Those rags are gobbling this story up! The only celebrities who have weirder stories than me are Michael Jackson and Elvis, and they’re both (supposedly) dead.

He ate fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches?!  Big Deal!! Try keeping a straight face while Khloe talks about the meaning of life! (Photo by the author while in the checkout line)
Elvis ate fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches?! Big Deal!! Try keeping a straight face while Khloe talks about the meaning of life! (Photo by the author while in the checkout line)

9. Piss off the Wheaties people by going both gluten free and penis freeAlmost done.  I assume I’m close to  achieving this, their people haven’t returned my people’s calls in a few years

10. Get on “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon”Done!

11. Get on “I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here!”Done!!

12. Get on “My Strange Addiction”They haven’t called yet, but I’m thinking they will

13. Talk to Kim about how to get some junk in my trunkMaybe when she’s done breaking the interweb and naming her kids after directions on a compass, she can give me some booty pointers

Septagenarians agree, that's not a bad rack for an old broad, but he needs more bootie if he's gonna be twerking  to Lawrence Welk's Greatest Hits
Octogenarians agree, that’s a decent rack for an old broad, but he needs more booty on the back porch if he’s considering twerking in the day room to Tommy James and the Shondels Greatest Hits (Image from splashnewsonline dot com)

14. Play Pebble Beach from the ladies tees.  Soon, baby…Soon!

15. If I’m going to throw the javelin, I need to learn to throw it like a girl (and not one of those East German chicks from back in my Olympic days).  I saw on that Super Bowl commercial that it’s not politically correct to talk about “throwing like a girl”, but if I’ve learned one thing from this “journey” it’s that just growing my hair long and smearing some Mary Kay foundation over my 5 o’clock shadow doesn’t make me a woman.

16. Learn how to walk in heelsI won the Olympic decathlon, for crying out loud!  How hard can a nice pair of pumps be?!

I think the white socks with blue stripes give these get shoes a patriotic look, but my bunions hurt worse than the seeing the ratings of my new TV show. (Image from english dot cntv.cn)
The white socks with blue stripes give these shoes a snappy, patriotic look!!  FYI;  bunions and athlete’s foot is one hellish combination. (Image from english dot cntv dot cn)

17. Make America proudDone!  That gold medal in ’76 certainly did the trick

18. Make America throw up in its mouth a little Working on it every day.  I can do this, I know I can!

19. Take advantage of these incredible cheekbones! This rouge is tricky stuff.  If I don’t get the hang of it, I’m going to end up looking like Leona Helmsley

Leona Helmsley as she might have appeared as an Olympic javelin thrower (E-Collage by yours truly)
Leona’s rare Wheaties box cover. (E-Collage by yours truly)

20. Start peeing sitting downThis one should be easy, after teetering around in those heels, I’ll take any chance I can get to get off my feet!

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25 thoughts on “Bruce Jenner’s Bucket List

  1. Darling. Know there’s a trick question in there somewhere. Pencils are sharpened and other books and stuff: shovel, pitchfork, the odd bale of hay, neatly stacked under my desk. I’m ready. Say when…

  2. I think we both know Bruce is only doing this in the hopes of getting his OWN reality television show. And we both know there’s lots of demand for this type of quality television.

    He’s one of the many, many, many, oh my god reasons I cancelled my cable.

    1. I’d love a show that featured him competing in the decathlon while wearing a pair of sling back mules, pleated skirt, floral print blouse and some really dangly earrings…umm…actually, no I wouldn’t.

      1. Hey, you gotta work his latest thing with the car accident into this. Talk about timing – you are totally cutting edge with what all the cool kids are talking about.

        1. I’d already written it and created the collage on my smart phone when the accident story broke. As if it wasnt bad enough that someone died in an accident, they died in an accident with Bruce Jenner.

  3. I remember the first time I even saw a man dressed as a woman. It was before all this was known or talked about, and I was a young teenager (innocent) in Union Square in San Francisco on a school field trip. I watched this huge man, heading uphill on the sidewalk towards the sunset, trying to walk in heels, ankles buckling, and it just seemed so odd, as he grasped his purse and shawl, with a woman’s hat on his head and his dress swirling in the breeze. Seemed odd then and I guess it still does. I like masculine men!

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