Not A Peep Outta You

peeps
Sure they’re cute now, but give them a few weeks – Photo by the author

 

It’s that time of the year again when people buy these hideous things in the name of Easter tradition.  While the package points out that Peeps are both gluten free and fat free, it fails to note that they are also pretty much food free.  They do include yellow dye #5 and carnauba wax.  For those of you who don’t recognize that last item, it’s a major ingredient in car wax.  I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but I would not suggest eating things which are best suited to bringing back that new-car luster to your Pontiac.  By the same token,  I would also side against trying to shine up your jalopy with a fistful of marshmallow chicks..

This will put a deep shine on your car, and the label says it's flammmable.  Photo by the author
This will put a deep shine on your DeSoto, and the label says it’s flammable. – Photo by the author

I’m sure by now there are a few irate readers who are cursing my blasphemous criticism of their beloved Peeps.  To be honest, it brings a wry smile to my face to think of them sitting there spewing frothy orbs of half chewed yellow marshmallow all over their computer screens and smart phones.

The only good thing I can say about these vile, bottom-dwellers of the candy world is that they often serve as a replacement of an even worse tradition.  Back in the not-so-distant past, some people actually gave their children live chicks for Easter, only to discover that with the exception of farmers and perverts, no one actually wants live chickens.

Chicks, bunnies, they all get uglier with age.  Illustration by the author.
Chicks and bunnies all get uglier with age. Illustration by the author.

Dentists aren’t even fans of Peeps, preferring that the Easter Bunny bring jelly beans, Jolly Ranchers and BB Bats, all of which are much more likely to pull out fillings and cause tooth decay.  Face it, even if Peeps are just gussied-up marshmallows, no one is all that crazy about that sad confection either.  Were it not for their presence in s’mores, those bags of fluffy white nothingness would sit on the supermarket shelves until someone needed them for science fair catapults.

Tune in again next time when I trash another iconic holiday staple.  I’ve got it narrowed down to elves on shelves, green beer and candy corn.

 

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30 thoughts on “Not A Peep Outta You

  1. My favorite thing about Peeps is the annual Washington Post Peeps diorama contest. P.S. Now that these two things appear in the same search result, I hope someone will make an “art car” covered in Peeps next year. Love the Key West bar bunny.

  2. For your, and your readers, edification I post the following information from the very factual site who allows anyone to post most anything.

    Marshmallow probably came first into being as a medicinal substance, since the mucilaginous extracts come from the root of the marshmallow plant, Althaea officinalis, which were used as a remedy for sore throats. Concoctions of other parts of the marshmallow plant had medical purposes as well. The root has been used since Egyptian antiquity in a honey-sweetened confection useful in the treatment of sore throat. The later French version of the recipe, called pâte de guimauve (or “guimauve” for short), included an egg white meringue and was often flavored with rose water. {Wikiwackipedia}

    I must admit that I never have done the egg white meringue but I have competed in an egg white bossa nova contest and I do a mean ova fandango.

    1. K. Arles Ur-Bann get’s an awful lot of play in my comments section. I feel sorry for the guy, if he has to be dipped in Hershey’s syrup to be attractive – but then, not every guy is appealing as I am.

    1. Refer to Blogdramedy’s comment regarding dipping Karl Urban in chocolate. He’s not a marshmallow, but apparently he could be improved by a silky smooth coating of brown Belgian goodness.

  3. I think using carnauba wax in car wax and Peeps is not a coincidence. I’m pretty sure that the car wax actually works by attracting Peeps-addicted kids and adults with the familiar smell, and they try to lick the flavor off of the car, polishing it in the process.

  4. I just saw a recipe where you stuff a bunch of Peeps in a glass container, add Vodka and watch those little suckers act as sponges. If straight vodka isn’t taking these things down, its safe to say they will be voted “Most Likely to Survive a Nucular War.”
    Ps. I am completely freaked out about the car wax.

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