I’ll admit it, I watch too much TV. Unlike lots of folks, I don’t just sit there like a potted plant. I constantly complain about bad plots, breaks in continuity, and of course, commercials. The gap between the imaginary world of advertisers and reality drives me nuts. Whining to my wife and dog isn’t enough; I’ve got to write entire blog posts about it.
Ad Portrayal: Tablet users design surf boards, organize food drives and find sources of potable water for refugees in the Sudan. They also use their tablets to take pictures of breathtaking scenery and refer to online astronomy charts while out in the wilderness at night (Despite being a million miles from anywhere, there’s a good WiFi signal).
Harsh Reality: Tablet users are playing Bubble Witch Saga, watching porn in the powder room, or checking Facebook for likes on recently posted photos of their cats and/or nephews. They occasionally “lose” the tablet just to keep the kids from hogging it.
Ad Portrayal: Pick-Up owners are driving to work sites, parking entirely too close to the hearth at the steel mill, and generally playing key roles in building the infrastructure that makes this country great. The guy doing the voice-over sounds like he’s from somewhere in the Rockies, unless it’s Dennis Leary who sounds like Dennis Leary.
Harsh Reality: No one is allowed to put anything dirty in the back of Dad’s truck, including but not limited to: mulch, play sand or lumber. Despite the truck being equipped with Bluetooth for safe, hands-free communication, Dad never answers when his brother-in-law calls because he needs help moving.
Ad Portrayal: SUV drivers navigate through mud, snow and over all sorts of rugged terrain as children play happily in the back seat. Dads reconnect with their children by taking the whole family to the Grand Tetons while towing expensive looking boats.
Harsh Reality: There are damn few boulder fields in suburbia. A few weeks ago, one of the kids dropped an almond butter and jelly sandwich behind one of the fold down rear seats. It smells like it might be fermenting. Having these killer car payments often prevents SUV owners from buying so much as a dinghy to tow.
Ad Portrayal: Healthy, good-looking people have incredibly tasty looking food delivered by a perky, knowledgeable waitress. There are frosty pints of beer handy to wash it down. The diners look like they’re having so much fun, they might not even get around to actually eating anything. The camaraderie is so thick, you can cut it with one of the handy butter knives.
Harsh Reality: The waitress has a hairy mole on her cheek and an Eastern European accent which make the specials at this Tex Mex joint sound like they are composed of boiled cabbage and beet greens. Our trio of diners could each stand to drop twenty pounds. The patrons at a nearby table are loud, and not in a good way. Somewhere else in Svetlana’s section, a small child wails in his high-chair and throws re-fried beans with reckless abandon while his parents pretend not to notice.
E.D.. Medications – Single Dose
Ad Portrayal: A rugged-but-sensitive looking guy finishes fixing a broken section of barbed wire fence out on the back forty. His pick-up truck gets stuck in a muddy rut on the dirt road. He ties the draft horse from his trailer to the front of the pick up and pulls himself back onto dry land. His MacGyver-like solution to the dilemma is clearly just another day in the life of a fellow who gets things done. He looks like he might be the guy doing the voice-over work on the truck commercials when he’s not working his ranch (but not like Dennis Leary). He pulls up in front of the cozy farmhouse, where the warm lights in the windows are a symbol for the waiting arms of the gorgeous woman who awaits him. If “Old Yeller” aint up for hunting , MacGyver can fix that too.
Harsh Reality: Misinterpreting his wife’s sleeping moans as those of desire, Mr. Fixit slips into the bathroom and pops a little blue pill. Upon returning to the bedroom his wife is silent and there is unpleasantly aromatic evidence that her moaning was not actually desire-related at all, but rather directly tied to the sizable amounts of pinto beans in her meal earlier at the Tex Mex joint. Despite the lack of romance in the air, the pill does it’s job. After some grumbling, the husband decides to sleep on the couch, and maybe catch up on some emails on the tablet.
E.D.. Medications – Daily Use
Ad Portrayal: Another good-looking guy sorts through boxes in the attic with his wife and stumbles upon a well-worn record album. His wife, despite looking like she is a generation younger than him, is immediately touched by the guy’s selection of the music (which would likely be relevant to only one of them). They commence to slow dancing among the boxes as late afternoon sun slants into the storage space. The picture fades to dark, and we all know what comes next.
Harsh Reality: The guy takes these pills everyday, along with fish oil and baby aspirin. When cleaning the attic, he comes across a record album. He cannot play it, as he hasn’t had a turntable since his junior year of college. He shows his wife the album. After a moment, she berates him for keeping old crap and tells him to put it in the junk pile. The daily-use ED medications will later be expelled from his body, as he sits in the powder room, trying to reach the next level of Bubble Witch Saga on his tablet.
12 thoughts on “Now, A Word From Our Sponsors”
Darling, I do believe those Brilliant pills suit you! Loving your shine and sparkle from this side of the Cascades.
I’m steering clear of pills these days – I remain an excitable boy despite my many years.
I hate commercials. You nailed it right on the head. Pun intended.
This one was difficult to write, because I kept seeing other genre commercials which were driving me crazy too.
Then you need to do a follow-up. Commercials actually make me feel like a loser. Where’s my happy dinner? I want to go muddin’.
And let’s not forget the beer commercials, always featuring pretty girls and parties, while the harsh reality is more like sitting like a potted plant in front of TV and watching non-stop commercials you’ve just described. (Hey, potted plants need to be watered, too.)
My friends from Colorado will attest that pot plants also need water.
About the restaurant commericials, so true. And if only people knew what happens to their food behind the scenes. My brother once worked in the kitchen of a highly-rated seafood restaurant and he told me things that made me never want to eat out again. And the endless pharma ads are incredible. They are on constantly! Every time I see one I’m like, “yeah, yeah, yeah, may cause extreme drowsiness, swollen testicles… etc etc. WE GET IT”
And here I just got a new iPhone as a birthday present from the Mister. I hope you don’t have a harsh reality for that. It might make me cry. *grin*
Dont’ even get me started on food commercials:
Friggin’ funny going on here, Mister Mister.
I’m with you, both on the excessive TV watching and providing running commentary. If I could only lose 40 pounds I’m sure my hubby would pick me up and THROW me through the damn thing just to shut me up. I’m gonna be that old bat at Sunny Acres screaming at the TV in the activity room, but by then everybody else will be deaf and senile so they won’t care.
I’ll have to write a blog sometime about a senile patient I had years ago. It was surreal!