One Point’s Guide To Tough Times

This is a perfect example of a good place for Josh to cut down on spending.  Just order one coffee at a time and go to places with free refills.  (Photo from hoopshabit dot com).
This is a perfect example of a good place for Josh to cut down on spending. Just order one coffee at a time and go to places with free refills. (Photo from hoopshabit dot com).

Josh Smith is upset. He’s gone on the record and stated the obvious: His making a mere 6.9 million dollars next year is going to be tough on his family.

No Shit!! Amiright?!

If like me, you have absolutely no idea who
Josh Smith is, allow me to let you know what I’ve discovered so far.  He’s a 28 year old professional basketball player with career earnings of 90 million dollars or so.  If he started playing professionally at age 18, my massive calculator brain estimates he’s averaged 9 million a year as a pro.

Josh is far from the first young multi-millionaire who’s been faced with financial duress due to slashed wages.  As a public service to these struggling men and women, I’m offering some budget advice.  Even if you’re not a professional athlete or movie star, you may find a few gems in here.  Following just a couple of my financial hints may help you avoid having to sleep on a steam grate near the bus station for another winter.

Everyone knows that buying in bilk can save you money, especially on essentials like caviar, fancy crackers and jet skis. (Collage by the author)

  • Shop at warehouse stores for caviar.  You could save a ton of money!  Down on aisle 17 they usually have great deals on variety packs of crackers to smear those delicious fish eggs on.  Also…look! A Jet Ski!
It's great saving money on vehicle insurance.  Does this private jet really only have one toilet?
Does this plane really only have one toilet?
  • Consider taking Flo from Progressive’s advice and bundle car, home and private jet insurance policies to save on premiums.
This lovely young woman works with me.  To answer your questions, No I neither work in a basement nor a strip club.  The black bar was added to give this illustration a more naughty vibe
This lovely young woman actually works with me. To answer your questions;  no, I work in neither a basement nor a strip club. The black bar was added to give the photo a more naughty, Bob-Crane-home-movie kind of vibe.
  • If visiting a strip club, refrain from “making it rain” with large denomination bills.  Try using rolls of nickels instead.
Kanye knows better than to wear leather pants with chinchilla after Labor Day!  (Photo from rapgenius dot com)
Kanye knows better than to wear leather pants with chinchilla after Labor Day! (Photo from rapgenius dot com)
  • Consider hiring a professional financial manager to help with stretching those six million nine hundred thousand dollars.  I realize doing this will put your Uncle Curtis out of work, but he’s had a good 9 year run – hopefully he can get his old job back working for the county.  He’ll look good driving that truck with his fur on.

You could start a trend Josh.  Rumor has it Labron is out taking a Kia Sorento for a test drive right now!  (Collage by the author)

  • Trade in your gas-guzzling Bentley and opt for a more economical Toyota Prius.  If headroom is going to be an issue, splurge the extra few bucks to get one with a sunroof.
  • Don’t forget to have the people at the arena to validate your parking pass!

Make sure you pack some wet naps.

  • Brown bag your lunch for road games.  Out of town restaurants can be budget busters!  Packing some wet naps may also save you big bucks at the dry cleaners – you know how messy lobster can get!

 

kk on beer

  • Stay away from Kardashians!  (This won’t necessarily save you money, but it’s good advice anyway).  Take a look at that photo – it’s nothing but trouble; Kimmy’s keister AND evil, delicious imperial stout. This will cost you – If not in money, then in dignity.

 

 

Dr. Palmer posing with the elusive giant chocolate lab he bagged on a recent excursion in the south of Jersey.

  • Avoid exotic pets.  Many athletes and movie stars learn too late about the potentially steep veterinary bills and liability insurance costs related to owning jungle cats, primates or birds of prey.  Besides, you run the the risk that a certain American dentist may come kill your pet with a bow and arrow.

 

Drivin with your homey Flo.  Yo Flo, remind me to get my parking validated.  (Collage by the author)
“Drivin’ with my homey Flo-me. Yo , Yo, Yo, Flo-me – Remind me to get my parking validated.”
  • Encourage your family members to get out there and look for work.  Your wife/girlfriend/baby mama may well have some untapped earning potential.  Remember, if she gets a job near the sports complex, you guys can car pool in the Prius!

1PP Jock

  • Avoid the big-name-jock-strap-trap!  A recent issue of Consumer Reports found that start-up independent manufacturers offer supporters with nearly identical performance as the big name garments – without the big name price!  The graphics on this jockstrap are off the hook!  It’s a shame to cover it up with your game shorts, but the league has standards.
  • It’s never too late to start investing in your future.  I suggest cutting a six figure check to One Point Perspective Enterprises.  There’s no guarantee of dividends, but there’s also no guarantee of a return on your investment!
I plan on cashing that first check and buying myself some snazzy headbands.
I plan on buying myself some snazzy headbands once that first check clears.
  • Finally, if things get really bad, you should consider writing a blog.  It won’t likely make you any money, but it might give you enough perspective to understand that 6.9 million dollars aint too bad for a year of shooting hoops.

 

 

 

 

 

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11 thoughts on “One Point’s Guide To Tough Times

  1. Another option could be renting out a few of his mansions and palace-sharing with a few of his underpaid ball-playing buddies who also have to make the ends meet on a bare minimum seven-figure salary.

  2. Sigh, oh to know and understand the woes of the super rich. I spend more time debating whether this week I can afford to buy the ‘good’ bread with actual nutritional value. Why didn’t I grow taller and more athletic when I had the chance? (Oh, wait. Women don’t garner such pay checks unless they win an Olympic gold medal in figure skating and get their face on a box of Wheaties. And maybe not even then.)

  3. Duuuuuuude a mere 6.9 eh? Yeah that definitely sounds like some hardships, he might end up at the WIC office and need to start using his VONS Club Card for extra savings and those coupons from that long-ass CVS receipt. That might help during those tough times.

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