A Man With A Plan

It’s my turn over at The Nudge Wink Report again. This time I had enough fodder swirling around in my noggin to come up with a rambling mess of words. I can only pray that some of you find this junk amusing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fortify my bunker and stock up on scotch and band aids.

nudge. wink. report.

I was once told by a very wise man, that I “thought too much”.  Sadly, he didn’t stick around this earth long enough for me to let him know that he was onto something.

I’d love to say that I’ve managed to get my over-active brain under control, but that’s not happening.  Despite all the magic elixirs the distillers of America, Scotland and Mexico can muster, I still have a tough time putting my gray matter into sleep mode.  As if I didn’t have enough things to worry about with the world, I’ve been bombarded with an onslaught of political propaganda for the past six months to drive almost anyone cuckoo.  The “green” candidates alone have filled my mailbox with enough paper campaign flyers to reforest Utah.

Conceptual diagram illustrating the brain of the author at this moment in time. Keep your fashion comments to yourself. Illustration by the author and his handy cell phone. Conceptual diagram illustrating the brain of the author at this moment in time. Keep your fashion comments to yourself. Illustration by the author and his handy cell…

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The Professor Has Spoken!

It’s that time again! Come on over to the Nudge Wink Report and find out what exactly Professor Longhair said in that song. To keep it interesting, I’ve defaced a classic painting and added extra stainless to a classic Caddy.

nudge. wink. report.

If you’re like me, you sing in the car. If you’re also like me, you suck at knowing the actual lyrics to most of the songs you croon along with. Take for example the song I’ve linked by Professor Longhair.  For the most part, the lyrics are entirely decipherable – once you get past the first thirty seconds.  From zero to thirty is another story.  I’ve listened to that first half minute over and over to try to figure out what exactly the Professor is saying.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the great Professor Longhair, you can thank me later.  His album “House Party New Orleans Style” will remain in my shuffle at all times.  I’ve formally requested that his version of “Tipitina” be played at my funeral, and people damn well better dance when it does – Don’t yall make me get up outta dis here pine…

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My Resume Is The One With The Gravy Stains

The NFL coaching job fell through, so I’m throwing my resume around for another gig entirely. My fondness for all-things fried should give me the inside track.

nudge. wink. report.

I’ve noticed a good many openings in the job market just now, and I’m not talking about summer work for college students selling Grit subscriptions door to door.  These are some high paying positions with opportunities for advancement and significant media time.

There are few better ways to get my application considered than by posting it on a world famous blog with tens of thousands of influential readers seeing it every day.  Sadly, only Ben Affleck has editorial access to his blog, and these days his best work seems dedicated to kissing Tom Brady’s ass and whining about Deflate-Gate.  That being the case, I’ll post it here.

Using a blog platform to attempt to springboard into consideration for some sweet employment may be passe’, but I just can’t get the hang of the Insta-Twitter.  As my most loyal readers may recall, I blog-applied for the head coaching job of the New York Jets in a post…

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Philly Catches Another Headline!

It’s my turn over at The Nudge Wink Report. I swear I just posted there like three weeks ago! Anyway, the arrest of Philly Jesus gave me enough fodder to spew out a post. Go there, read my pearls of wisdom, feel blessed.

nudge. wink. report.

Thou hast teathered my wrists with cuffs of iron, but my lips remain free, and I forgive thee, oh genius of Apple. (Image from phillymag dot com) Thou hast teathered my wrists with cuffs of iron.  Lo my feet are shorn in dem golden sandals, yet my lips remain free, and I forgive thee, Officer Cholly. (Image from phillymag dot com)

You may have heard that police in Philadelphia arrested a character who goes by the name of “Philly Jesus”.  It seems He was being belligerent in an Apple store.  If there’s one place I could forgive someone for being belligerent, it would be in a store where a polo shirt wearing hipster has the job title “genius”.

Philly Jesus in happier times. Blasting a little Milli Vanilli in your ear buds can make even the heaviest cross lighter to bear. (Image from Andrew Thayer - Philly dot com) Philly Jesus in happier times. Blasting the right Allman Bothers song in your ear buds can make even the heaviest cross lighter to bear. (Image from Andrew Thayer – Philly dot com)

There I go, siding with the Son of God again!  The cops need to cut him some slack – do you realize how hard it is to throw snowballs at Santa…

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Panama Paper-Trained

I’m taking a break from brewing my own beer to post over at The Nudge Wink Report. Today’s topic is the sexy, exotic world of full financial disclosure and my unlikely court appearances due to any involvement with or inclusion in the infamous Panama Papers. May my lovely wife have mercy on my soul!

nudge. wink. report.

Don't jump to conclusions. No one is going to jail. This is just one of the fun Halloween costumes that crooked billionaires might consider wearing to the big bash in the British Virgin Islands later this year. (Image from cruiselawnews dot com) Don’t jump to conclusions – No one is going to jail. This is just one of the fun Halloween costumes that crooked billionaires might consider wearing to the big bash in the Cayman Islands later this year. (Image from cruiselawnews dot com)

As you may know, there is yet another bombshell leak in the news these days.  The Panama Papers supposedly show what many of us have suspected: Rich and powerful people go to great lengths to keep from paying their fair share of taxes.  The Swiss bank accounts of yesteryear have been replaced by phony corporations, bogus holding groups and enough money laundering to wash even the grimiest of hedge-fund manager and/or stripper germs off of piles of c-notes.

I had originally planned to do some serious investigatory journalism of the leaked documents and rant about the billionaire class running rough-shod all over the little man.  As it happens, many of the movers and shakers exposed in these…

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The Rule of Cats

I’ve pulled myself away from brewing (and drinking) my own beer just long enough to scribble a half-hearted, brief post over at The Nudge Wink Report. It’s almost 9 AM, time for a glass of stout.

nudge. wink. report.

It took me months to get this photo - he wouldn't come out from under the ottoman for my first few visits. Image from laughingsquid dot com. It took me months to get this photo – he wouldn’t even come out from under the ottoman for my first few visits. Image from laughingsquid dot com.

[I apologize to those of you who are reading this post because you mistakenly assumed that the title was some sort of reference to how cats rule.  They don’t rule over much more than small, suburban rodents maybe a pug]

After years of working in homecare, I’ve learned a few things about people.  For the uninitiated among you, homecare involves going into the homes of folks who need healthcare, in my case physical therapy, and providing the service in the home. Anyway, you learn things about folks after going into their abodes.

From a functional mobility standpoint, there are many clues to look for.  Odd wear patterns on the finishes of tables may indicate the presence of a chronic furniture ambulator.  A major butt-divot in an upholstered seat may well…

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Is It Just Me?

As usual, my turn writing over at The Nudge Wink Report came up before I had a chance to actually come up with a decent premise. Lucky for me, there are always stupid photos in my phone, so I slapped a little pictorial casserole together and threw some bread crumbs on top. It tastes like chicken.

nudge. wink. report.

It occurred to me that there is a slim chance that no one else sees the world quite the same way I do. It also occurred to me that if that’s the case, you’re all wrong. I can only hope I’m not the only one.

For instance, is it just me, or does the mom of the “affluenza teen” bear more than just a passing resemblance to famed prop comedian Carrot Top?

Affluenza mom - not carrying props, since she was frisked. Photo from Affluenza mom – not carrying props, since she was frisked. Photo from tjcnewspaper dot com

Carrot Top. You know he gives mad props. Photo from Carrot Top. You know he’s got mad props. Photo from zimbio dot com

Is it just me, or does anyone else think cats probably aren’t all that proud of their turds – I mean, why would you bury something you’re supposedly proud of?

Someone in the marketing department thought it would be good to replace the "crap" with the word "pride". Photo by the author, I'm a regular Hansel Haddams. Someone in the marketing department thought it would be good to replace the word “crap” with the word “pride”. Photo by the…

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Luck of the Draw

Here’s my latest submission over at The Nudge Wink Report. It’s more of that inspired fiction which comes from having nothing better to write about and having to just make crap up. In this piece, I’m single and have a crush on my boss. There are bowling alley and dominatrix references in it, so don’t think it’s all mistletoe and candy canes.

nudge. wink. report.

We were sitting around the conference table down at the NWR office a few months back. Tommy was picking through a carton of Chinese take-out from the joint downstairs, frowning at the lack of recognizable proteins. I had my hand-out and pen in front of me, trying to look businesslike, despite the fact that the page was covered in doodles of dragsters and robots.

Down at the other end of the table past F-Borne and Molly, our two big-deal free agent acquisitions were holding court; Peg tried to pretend that she couldn’t recall exactly how many times she’d been Freshly Pressed. Darla stated that she was Freshly Pegged once, and that was a bigger accomplishment in her eyes.  They took turns complimenting each other and lamenting about dud posts they’d written which had less than 1000 hits.

I rolled my eyes and turned my attention back to the boss-lady, Blogdramedy

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Having Thanksgiving For Christmas

Dawn writes over at Tales From The Motherland.  She decided to list 50 things she’s thankful for in ten minutes or less.  I wouldn’t have known about it, but Darla at She’s A Maineiac and Susie at Susie Lindau’s Wild Ride both decided to do it too.  I foolishly got sucked into the feel-good blog party of the holiday season.  If you have any idea as to the writing prowess and massive followings that Susie and Darla have, you’ll understand why I’m second guessing myself.

I wrote the list in ten minutes, but then took the liberty of going back to clarify what the hell I was talking about.  If you’re in a rush, you can skip the why’s and wherefores and just read the underlined, numbered answers.

1. Family – they’ve tolerated me this long….they’re stuck with me now.  Many of them have figured out that you can’t run away from DNA.
2. Friends – I have a few old ones and a few new ones.  I try to keep the good ones and dump the fair weather variety, but sometimes it’s hard to tell who’s who until you get some crappy weather.

No fair weather friends in this shot, all legit.
No fair weather friends in this shot, all legit.

3.Potential – things can always change.  Any life situation has potential to morph into a better or worse version, so I’ll hope and work for the better and try to avoid the worse.  Feel free to post that on your Facebook page with a picture of a sunset.
4. Health – I’m not exactly the spry stud I used to be, but I’m still on the right side of the dirt.
5. Humor – I like to believe that I have a good sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself.  I know for a fact that I have the ability to laugh at others.
6. The chance to make a difference – I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not Mother Teresa, but I like to believe that I’m able to make a little difference in peoples’ lives, and that means an awful lot.
7. Perspective – Hey, it’s in the name of my blog, I’m not passing up free advertising.  Perspective gives me the ability to see things for what they are, and given enough time and clarity, to move beyond the fertilizer and appreciate the flowers.

Lucy insisted I use this shot, as the newer ones show too much of her white muzzle. She's very sensitive about looking so elderly.
Lucy insisted I use this shot, as the newer ones show too much of her white muzzle. She’s very sensitive about looking so elderly.

8. Lucy the dog – She keeps me company when I’m raking leaves and shoveling snow.  She protects my house from skunks and squirrels.  Lucy has left me in the dust in the going gray competition, but I still reign supreme in the baldness category.
9. Time to fix things – Maybe I’m being optimistic, but I feel like I still have the time to fix things.  I can still talk, and listen, and with enough humility, figure out where I’ve gone wrong and do something about it.
10. A chance to savor things – I’m learning to see the value in things.  To take the time to accept the impermanence of perfection.
11. Food, glorious food – My love affair with delicious, wonderful food continues barreling forward despite my growing waistline and skyrocketing cholesterol levels.  Be that as it may, food is best washed down with….
12. Beer – Frosties, tall cold ones, pints, growlers, kegs, brews, suds, ales, lagers, porters, stouts, imperial India Pale Ales, sessions, the list goes on and on.  I’ve finally entered the world of brewing my own.  My abilities as a brewer still lag miles behind my oh-so-refined palate, but I’m working on it.

I'm not thankful fir Kim Kardashian, but she's got her fanny perched on the rim of a glass of an incredible beer, and I'm too much of a gentleman to ask her to move.
I’m not thankful for Kim Kardashian, but she’s got her fanny perched on the rim of a glass of an incredible beer, and I’m too much of a gentleman to ask her to move.

13. Vodka – Yes, I drink vodka too.  I’ll let you know if I start working on distilling.
14. Tequila – Give me a short, neat glass of reposado and let me enjoy the peppery aromas, the sweetness of the first sip, the smooth warmth across my chest as I swallow.  I’m not sure if I need an intervention or a cold shower.

Some might see this bottle as half full, while others would see it as half empty. I choose to see it as all mine.
Some might see this bottle as half full, while others would see it as half empty. I choose to see it as all mine.

15. Blogging – The readers, the writers, the commenters, the strange, dynamic community of people I’ve never met in real life, but care for just the same.  Actually, I did meet one of you, and that’s part of the reason she gets to be called “Darling”.
16. Donald Trump – He keeps me on my toes.  He reminds me of everything that’s wrong with the country.  He helps me to understand how “The Love Boat” was ever the top rated show ion TV.  He also keeps me guessing about that orange fiberglass comb-over.
17. Internet access – Like many things I’m thankful for, I don’t truly value it until it’s gone.  Luckily for me, my home internet service is sporadically provided for a fee by the good folks at Comcast, so I get to appreciate it several times a week.
18. The off switches on my TV, computer and cell phone – These switches are wonderful, yet often over-looked in their functionality.
19. The hope that someday I learn how to use them – Just because I know the whereabouts of those may power switches, doesn’t man I know how to use them – but I’m hopeful I’ll learn someday.
20. The chance that there’s an off switch on my brain – I’ve been dabbling with meditation and trying to sleep at night without the use of prescription meds or excessive amounts of beer, vodka or tequila.  If I can shut my brain off, I think I could really gain clarity (or at least stop dreaming about people in donkey masks).
21. Scrapple– I just realized that if I think about certain processed pork products, my brain actually does shut off for a minute.  Mmmm…scrapple.

I snagged her when I was young and charming. She didn't stand a chance.
I snagged her when I was young and charming. She didn’t stand a chance.

22. My Lovely, Long-Suffering Wife –  I know I already covered friends and family, but my wife is in a category all her own.  If she actually reads this post, she’ll likely appreciate getting the props she deserves, (but she’ll also likely have a problem with coming after scrapple).  It’s not a ranking, Sweetie!23. My memory – I forgot why I wrote this one.  I had something really funny or beautiful or deep to write about my memory, but I’ll be damned if I can think of what it was.
24. Podcasts – I love me some podcasts.  I’m sick and tired of the massive library of music available to me in my car, but the podcasts rarely disappoint.  I started with Serial, and I’ve become a loyal follower of Joe Rogan and a few others.
25. Sarcasm – It’s in my veins, and without it, I’d be even more shriveled up and sad looking.
26. Beauty – I don’t really possess much of it, but I’m surrounded by it.  You should see my wife – Yowza!

There she is, relaxing in a tub.
There she is, relaxing in a tub.

27. People with bad taste – Bad taste is critical for those of us with impeccable taste.  Without bad taste, we’d all be the same, and that would make it tough for me to feel superior to others.

Smooth as a baby's ass, but nowhere nearly as fragrant.
Smooth as a baby’s ass, but nowhere near as fragrant.

28. Male pattern baldness – Without male pattern baldness, I’d have to struggle for hours teasing, combing and applying any number of expensive, potentially carcinogenic products to my luxurious mane before leaving the house every morning.  My lack of hair also exposes my glorious, smooth scalp to the world.  It’s okay to stare.
29. Disc Golf – My son, who I’m already thankful for in both the family and friend categories, has turned me on to the game.  Unlike traditional golf, the courses are largely free, the equipment is inexpensive and there is no use of little electric carts.  Even if you suck, and I do, it’s still a nice walk in the woods.
30. John Lee Hooker – I’m not always as thankful for John Lee as I should be, but I had some blues on while I typed that, and it seemed like a tip of the hat was in order.
31. Seat warmers – My car has seat warmers.  I once thought it was the silliest, most frivolous option one could get in a car, but as winter looms, my tender cheeks look forward to that warm embrace.

32. Grandkids – These things are great!  Mine are fun and come in handy, like when I need a smile or someone to bring me another beer.

Listen to me, child! Drop that stinky sandal and fetch Pappy another IPA. Chop Chop!
Listen to me, child! Drop that stinky sandal and fetch Pappy another IPA. Chop Chop!

33. Coworkers who see what I see – Sometimes work can provide you with such surreal things that you cannot believe your eyes.  Were it not for my colleagues, I might just chalk some of this stuff up to hallucinations.
34. Coworkers who don’t see what I see – This crew is important to me too.  I need to realize how clueless some folks can be while still leading productive, normal lives.
35. Cell phone cameras – Without cell phone cameras, we’d all be at the Fotomat booth down in the Shop N Save parking lot waiting for our prints so we could go to the post office and mail them to Instagram.
36. Ice makers – This one might be a little bit of a reach.  To be honest, I’m pretty good at pouring water into ice trays then popping the cubes out just 12 hours later.
37. Comingled recycling – When I was a kid, we just threw everything away.  Then we started recycling and trash got complicated.  The were bundles of newspaper in one spot, cans over there and bottles in yet another location.  Thanks to advances in sorting technology, we can just about throw all our crap in one place again!
38. “Fargo” – I’m so very thankful for this “place”.  The movie and TV shows have showcased actors who transcended everything else I’ve ever seen them in.  It’s the best show on TV and I cannot get enough of it.  I’m supremely bummed that it just ended, but I’m confident that there’s more coming.
39. The magic of self-editing special memories – This may or may not be the memory thought I had back on number 23.  I’m truly thankful that my memory is able to save precious points in my life while smoothly leaving out icky little details which could take away from the poignancy of the moment.
40. This is harder than it looks – That’s not really something I’m thankful for, but it’s the truth.

Soft Serve 365 days a year.
Soft Serve 365 days a year.

41. The Garden State – I’m thankful for Jersey.  You got a problem with that?

42. New family – I’m getting new family all the time.  A kid gets married – Boom!  Instant crew of aunts and uncles and one or two funny looking nephews.  Unlike old family members, I get a grace period in which to learn names.

Technically, this pic includes family friends and even a couple of grandkids.
Technically, this pic includes new family, old family, friends and even a couple of grandkids.

43. Cat-like reflexes – Were it not for my cat-like reflexes, I might not be here today.  Just the other day I fell over a log while disc golfing and nearly brained myself.  Sadly, the reflexes did me little good, since I was unable to rotate my body one way and my tail in the other, since, you know, I have no tail.

Don't be a hater.
Don’t be a hater.

44. Incredible good looks – I realize that I noted earlier that I possess no beauty, but many people will testify that I am ruggedly handsome.  While my good looks are not of much value in and of themselves, they do occasionally provide me with a few extra seconds to come up with an answer, while the person asking the question is mesmerized by my chiseled cheek bones and dreamy eyes.
45. Delusional thoughts – See number 44 above.
46. 10 fingers, 10 toes – Not only was I born with a full complement of digits, I still have all of them left, ever after more than a century of slamming car doors, operating power tools and flipping people off.
47. Boxer briefs – A man of my years can truly appreciate the winning combination of support, fashionable appearance and upper thigh coverage
48. The clearance section – Not only does the clearance section give me the best value for my shopping dollar, it also provides me with the best place to look for my wife when I’m lost in the store.
50. Shitty counting skills – …and we’re done.

Gas Crisis in the Garden State

It’s that time on the calendar when I have to write over at the Nudge Wink Report. You kids will love this one – it’s got all the good stuff; pork products, farting and legal action! Dig in!

nudge. wink. report.

This is the kind of story that practically writes itself.  Considering my lack of energy and creativity, I’m all over this gem like stink on poop.

A lawsuit filed against the largest pork roll maker in the state of New Jersey alleges that an employee was fired for farting too much.

For those of you who’d rather not click on the link, here’s the gist of it: A woman named Louann Clem has filed suit against the Case Pork Roll Company of Trenton, NJ.  She alleges that her husband Rich Clem was fired for farting too often in the office.  Mr. Clem reportedly had some serious flatulence issues along with explosive diarrhea since having gastric bypass surgery.

Mr. Clem was given the option of working from home.  The article, which was likely eliminated from Pulitzer Prize eligibility based on content alone, stated that Mrs. Clem worked there too.  The author…

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