Not A Peep Outta You

peeps
Sure they’re cute now, but give them a few weeks – Photo by the author

 

It’s that time of the year again when people buy these hideous things in the name of Easter tradition.  While the package points out that Peeps are both gluten free and fat free, it fails to note that they are also pretty much food free.  They do include yellow dye #5 and carnauba wax.  For those of you who don’t recognize that last item, it’s a major ingredient in car wax.  I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but I would not suggest eating things which are best suited to bringing back that new-car luster to your Pontiac.  By the same token,  I would also side against trying to shine up your jalopy with a fistful of marshmallow chicks..

This will put a deep shine on your car, and the label says it's flammmable.  Photo by the author
This will put a deep shine on your DeSoto, and the label says it’s flammable. – Photo by the author

I’m sure by now there are a few irate readers who are cursing my blasphemous criticism of their beloved Peeps.  To be honest, it brings a wry smile to my face to think of them sitting there spewing frothy orbs of half chewed yellow marshmallow all over their computer screens and smart phones.

The only good thing I can say about these vile, bottom-dwellers of the candy world is that they often serve as a replacement of an even worse tradition.  Back in the not-so-distant past, some people actually gave their children live chicks for Easter, only to discover that with the exception of farmers and perverts, no one actually wants live chickens.

Chicks, bunnies, they all get uglier with age.  Illustration by the author.
Chicks and bunnies all get uglier with age. Illustration by the author.

Dentists aren’t even fans of Peeps, preferring that the Easter Bunny bring jelly beans, Jolly Ranchers and BB Bats, all of which are much more likely to pull out fillings and cause tooth decay.  Face it, even if Peeps are just gussied-up marshmallows, no one is all that crazy about that sad confection either.  Were it not for their presence in s’mores, those bags of fluffy white nothingness would sit on the supermarket shelves until someone needed them for science fair catapults.

Tune in again next time when I trash another iconic holiday staple.  I’ve got it narrowed down to elves on shelves, green beer and candy corn.

 

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