The receptionist is out on maternity leave and the secretary is busy doing important work, like running the place and getting my car detailed. I’ve been assigned the arduous task of handling the memos. Today’s memos cover reality TV shows.
To: Network programming people
Message: Re-running the same episode but with the Tweeted comments of idiots inserted into the corner of the picture does not constitute new entertainment. You may fool my DVR with this ploy, but I see right through it. If I wanted the opinions of dolts added to my viewing experience, I’d watch TV down at the corner bar. For the record, @pornstarrentacar Tweets “#1ptperspective I agree, man. U blog truth! – this episode sux as bad as 1st time – even Twitter cant help it”
To: TV Creative Consultants
Message: We’ve seen a married couple survive the wilderness, we’ve seen a barefoot hippy dude paired with a military-type guy survive the wilderness, we’ve seen a British guy who allegedly spent his nights out of the wilderness off-camera in luxury hotels survive the wilderness, we’ve seen a guy with nothing but a couple of cameras and a harmonica survive the wilderness, and most recently we’ve seen pairs of naked strangers survive the wilderness. How about making a show about people who don’t survive the wilderness?
To: TV Location Scouts
Message: Alaska is an enormous state, but it’s relatively sparsely populated. We’ve now got shows which include nearly every segment of its population, including state troopers, crab fishermen, gold miners, ice-road truck drivers, dredge gold miners, lumberjacks, vice presidential candidates, mountain men and homesteaders. By my reckoning, the only remaining segments of the population who don’t have their own shows are convenience store clerks and salmon cannery workers. Please begin taping the shows about these last two groups as soon as possible, so we can move on to another state. FYI, I hear Delaware is beautiful at this time of the year and to the best of my knowledge, no one has done a show about chicken farmers yet.