A Weiner By Any Other Name

Despite his condom cap and dark glasses, we’d know him anywhere! (Illustration by the author – no, I’m not proud)

By now, most people have heard about New York City mayoral candidate and former congressman Anthony Weiner’s recent relapse. Once again, he’s lost his footing on the slippery slope of posting naughty photos of his private parts. By a stroke of luck, I’ve been granted an exclusive interview with the star of the show, Mr. Weiner’s penis, Edgar Winston Weiner.

1PP: Edgar, thank you for joining me.
EWW: My pleasure, One Point, but please, call me Chumley – it’s been my nickname since Anthony saw his first Tennessee Tuxedo cartoon back in his childhood.

1PP: I think America is more than ready to hear your views.
EWW: I appreciate you giving me this forum. I’m sure there are a few wise-asses who’ll think it’s funny that a penis is being interviewed by someone named “1PP”, but I was tired of waiting for Pierce Morgan’s people to call. I want my side of the story out there.

1PP: Let’s get to the meat of the matter, what’s it like to be the object of so much attention, again?
EWW: Look pal, if you’re gonna get cute with the questions, we can end this interview right now. My PR people warned you about trying to be funny with word-play. I’m in a difficult position here, and if you’re going to go for cheap laughs with meat references, I’ll take my bag and leave.

1PP: My apologies. It was a Freudian slip, I guess.
EWW: Fair enough. Back to your question. It’s been hard on me. I mean, like most penises, I live my life in the dark most of the time. I’m not really accustomed to the spot-light.

1PP: How do you answer those who’ve speculated that you’re the brains behind the operation?
EWW: I’m glad you asked. Certainly I’ll admit to having a fair degree of influence over Tony, but these sexting fiascos are pretty much his doing. Can you imagine me taking snap shots and texting them to bimbos? I mean, look at me; I have no fingers! Seriously, look at me! How do I look? How about from this angle? Hold it a sec…how about now?

1PP: Umm. You look…ummm…can we get back to the interview? Please, sit back down.
EWW: Sorry. I’m trying to rebuild my image, but it’s an uphill battle.

1PP: Yeah…umm…well…Back to the questions. Speaking of your image, do you feel people are unable to look at you without a jaundiced eye?
EWW: I think lots of people have that problem. They can’t just look at me and see a penis; to them, I’m that penis. It’s embarrassing. I mean, I’ve got a life too. It’s not easy trying shield your family from the scrutiny of the media.

1PP: Tell us about that.
EWW: Well, you know, I’ve got the twins. I always try to keep them nearby, and sometimes it’s tough to protect them from the hurtful things that people say. For the record, I’ve done my very best to keep them out of this. I admit though, on at least one occasion, they were inadvertently featured in a photo.

1PP: Yes, that must be difficult for you. Have you discussed your feelings with Anthony, to try to help him avoid these incidents.
EWW: I’ve tried, God knows I’ve tried. Tony isn’t always easy to get through to – he’s a driven man. He’s running for mayor, for crying out loud! On some level though, I feel like he’s still an 11 year-old boy trying to impress that Blattstein girl behind the snack bar at the city pool. For the record, I told him it was a bad idea even back then – the water was especially cold that day and we could have been caught. Her mother was right around the corner, waiting on line to buy snow cones. Sorry – that’s still a difficult memory for me. I wish I could turn back the hands of time.

1PP: I think we’ve all had moments of regret, when we wish we could undo bad things we’ve been a part of…
EWW: Maybe the Blattstein girl is in the phone book. If not, Tony could get himself on the internet and do one of those searches. He could send her a pic, show her what my A-game looks like. How’s this pose? Whaddya think?

1PP: Umm…I thought you were referring to going back and not showing yourself to people.
EWW: Oh…oh yeah! Yeah, that’s what I meant.

1PP: Did you have anything to do with Anthony’s choice of the name “Carlos Danger” in his attempt to protect his anonymity?
EWW: Glad you brought that up. As you can imagine, Tony had a tough time growing up with that last name of his. I mean, I had the same last name, but look at me, the name fits right? Really…look at me. Anyway, I understand him wanting to try to use a different name for discretion and all, but I was never a fan of “Carlos Danger”. I thought it sounded a little corny, you know? It was too B-grade porn star for my tastes.

1PP: What’s next for you and Anthony?
EWW: That’s the 64 dollar question, isn’t it? We’re hoping he somehow manages to win the mayoral race. I try to use positive visualization to help him along. I picture myself standing proudly at attention on the podium as the band plays. Between you and me, I’ve got my eye on a cabinet post. Something in public relations, maybe. From what I hear, the mayor gets his own photographer, and the lighting in his office is supposed to be really nice.

1PP: Well, I wish you and Anthony the best of luck. One thing seems clear to me, no matter what happens with the campaign, I’m pretty sure we’ll see you again.
EWW: Thanks, One Point. Is there any chance I can get a copy of the illustration? You can text it to me.

Auggie DiNapoli’s Travel Tips For Politicians

See if you lie like this, you get that sexy armpit tan. Of course, you can’t get much of a tan with a suit on – I’m a politician, not an idiot! (Image from update dot gawker dot com)

NJ Democratic Senator Robert Menendez went on two, 3-day trips to the Dominican Republic at a cost of roughly $58,000.  As an inquisitive sort of fellow, I’d like to know how anyone can spend $29,000 apiece on two short trips to a the Dominican Republic?

For those of you who are not familiar with the Dominican Republic, here’s a brief overview.  The D.R. is 2/3’s of an island in the Caribbean – the other 1/3 of the island is known as Haiti.  It’s a hop-skip-and-a-jump away from any east coast airport.  The Punta Cana region of the Dominican Republic is an especially popular vacation destination offering many resorts for budget-minded travelers who yearn for some fun in the sun.

In order to understand how Senator Menendez could have spent so much money going to such a nearby, economical destination, I’ve brought in Auggie DiNapoli, travel expert and owner of the website flywitauggie.com to help.

That nail salon used to be the home of DiNapoli’s Travel Depot. I moved into modern times and now I operate outta my rec room. Who needs a fancy desk when you got a ping pong table – am I right? (Image from green prophet dot com)

1PP:  First Mr. DiNapoli, I’d like to thank you for visiting my blog.

Auggie D:  My pleasure, One Pea.  Hey, call me Auggie!  I appreciate this chance to clear things up about travel costs.  You can always come to flywitauggie.com for great deals on airfare, car rentals and travel packages.

1PP:  That web address is interesting.  How’d you come up with it.

Auggie D:  I had my heart set on fly with auggie dot com, but it was already taken.  So I dropped the “h” offa “with” – that’s how you pronounce it anyway, right?  Turns out some lady in Orlando wit a little weiner dog named Auggie had snatched it up.  She likes to post pictures of her dachshund in action-shots jumpin in her pool.  She coulda chose “swimmin wit weiner dogs” – that woulda been fine wit me.

So who knew these weiner dogs could fly? More important, who cared, right? (Image from pets for sale dot co dot za)

1PP: OK.  Sorry I asked.  Let’s get to the question at hand.  How could anyone manage to spend $58,000 on two trips from New Jersey to the Dominican Republic?

Auggie D: Well, I’d try callin his office, but Senator Menendez prolly aint talkin.  If he don’t wanna talk to the FBI bout it, he aint likely gonna talk to Auggie, am I right?  My guess is he spent around 35 large on the first trip, learned a lil bit about travel expenses and then only dropped like $23,000 on the second one.  That’s a lot cheaper than the first go-round but hey, that’s still a lotta cabbage.  You can’t figger some political guy’s gonna learn much quicker than that though, right?

1PP:  I hadn’t thought of the possibility that he spent different amounts each trip.  Even so, $23,000 still seems like an excessive amount of money for a three day trip.  Do you have any tips for Senator Menendez on how to cut his travel costs further?

Auggie D: Sure!  One thing, right off the bat – chartering a private jet aint cheap.  That’s gonna really eat up the dollars.  He coulda flew down there for like $1500 first class.  It aint that long of a flight, so he wouldna got more than one meal and a glass of domestic champagne in him, but that wide seat is a nice perk for the fat cats.  Plus, they give ya them hot towels to wipe yer hands wit – that’s classy, huh?  He coulda really saved some dough if he sat back in coach – those seats are only like 150 bucks.  He wouldna got no food or champagne though.

1PP: How about accomodations?  Surely there are some bargains to be had.

Auggie D: Absolutely!  There’s bargains galore down there!  I got two words for the Senator: All Inclusive.  Punta Cana is packed with all sorts of options for all-inclusive hotels.  They cover everything!  You got your buffets, your well drinks, and even shows at night.  It aint Broadway, but you get enough mai tai’s in you, who cares they don’t know all the words to the show tunes, am I right?

1PP: All inclusives!  I bet the senator wishes he thought of that as an option.  How else could he cut costs?

Auggie D: I’m thinking he coulda saved even more if he woulda gone down to the conference room off the lobby and listened to the time-share sales pitch.  It’s only a couple of hours, there’s no obligation and the whole rest of the night is “me time”.  Just don’t buy one – you aint gonna be a senator forever, know what I’m sayin?

1PP: This is great advice!  I hope the rest of Washington is paying attention.

Auggie D: My pleasure, 1 Pint.  Another budget buster is getting sick away from home.  Stay away from that suh-vee-chay stuff and if possible, you wanna bring your own snorkelling gear.  Those rental fins won’t fit and you don’t wanna find out what nasty types of diseases can grow in those mouthpieces.  By the way, when I talk about dirty mouthpieces, I’m talkin about snorkels, not Washington lawyers!  That’s a little joke I made.

1PP: Ha ha – Good one!  Well, we’re running out of time.  Do you have any other helpful hints for bureaucratic budget travel?

Auggie D: Just a couple, PeePee.  One thing, always skip that mini-bar in yer room.  If you wanna hit the sauce, stop for a bottle of rum on your way in from the air-o-port-o.  Sneak some fruit juice up to the room from the breakfast buffet and make yer own cocktails.  You dont even need to tip the bartender, cause you ARE the bartender, you know?  If you’re really hurtin for bucks, a lotta these joints have wet T-shirt contests with cash prizes.  Bring yer trophy wife or mistress down there and let em earn their keep fer once, am I right?

Listen, Bobby, I’m sure she’s a smart gal, but she aint winnin’ one of those contests. You need some advice, talk to Fred Gwynne over there to her left – he’ll give you some pointers. (Image -cropped- from AP photo / J. Scott Applewhite)

1PP: OK, that wraps up today’s edition.  Tune back in next time when I talk with local experts about another important topic.  Remember, if you have a pressing question, put it in the comments section and I’ll round up a local expert to help me get the answers you deserve!