Bruce Jenner’s Bucket List

I look for blog topics everywhere I go.  A case in point, while looking through a trash can near the Santa Monica pier for half eaten burritos and/or aluminum cans, a wadded up piece of paper from a yellow legal tablet caught my eye.

If you get a big enough bucket, you can fit quite a few things in it (and on it). Officially the most fun I’ve had with my new smart phone. (Collage by the author)

I unwrinkled and smoothed it out as much as I could.  After reading it over a few times, I’m convinced that this random piece of trash may in fact be Bruce Jenner’s Bucket List.  Give it the once over and decide for yourself  (I took the liberty of adding a few pictures – the original only had some doodles of hearts, unicorns and Olympic rings in the margins).

 

1. Win Olympic Gold Medal – Done 1976

2. Grace the cover of the Wheaties box – Done (Twice, but who’s counting?)

3. Get involved with a zany family – Done – Married Kris Kardashian 1991

4. Become a reality TV star – Done – After various attempts, finally hit the big time with “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” in 2007

5. Give Kim all the relationship advice I can – I’ve tried, Lord knows I’ve tried.  She’s Kanye’s problem now!

6. Get safely past the menopause years before changing my gender – As a 65 year old gal, I’ll avoid hot flashes and qualify for an AARP discount at The Fashion Hutt!  Since I technically still have my boy parts, I can’t cross this one off the list just yet!

These walker-heels will be a smash for the early-bird special down at the clubhouse. Remember Bruce, black balls for formal occasions and of course, no high-optic green tennis balls after Labor Day! (Image from hollowtreeventures dot com)

7. Become a woman just in time to take advantage of the Bea Arthur estate sale – I haven’t seen any flyers posted down at the community center, I hope I didn’t miss it!

8. Find the most sure-fire way possible to get back on the front of the tabloids – Done!  Those rags are gobbling this story up! The only celebrities who have weirder stories than me are Michael Jackson and Elvis, and they’re both (supposedly) dead.

Elvis ate fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches?! Big Deal!! Try keeping a straight face while Khloe talks about the meaning of life! (Photo by the author while in the checkout line)

9. Piss off the Wheaties people by going both gluten free and penis free – Almost done.  I assume I’m close to  achieving this, their people haven’t returned my people’s calls in a few years

10. Get on “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon” – Done!

11. Get on “I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here!” – Done!!

12. Get on “My Strange Addiction” – They haven’t called yet, but I’m thinking they will

13. Talk to Kim about how to get some junk in my trunk – Maybe when she’s done breaking the interweb and naming her kids after directions on a compass, she can give me some booty pointers

Octogenarians agree, that’s a decent rack for an old broad, but he needs more booty on the back porch if he’s considering twerking in the day room to Tommy James and the Shondels Greatest Hits (Image from splashnewsonline dot com)

14. Play Pebble Beach from the ladies tees.  Soon, baby…Soon!

15. If I’m going to throw the javelin, I need to learn to throw it like a girl (and not one of those East German chicks from back in my Olympic days).  I saw on that Super Bowl commercial that it’s not politically correct to talk about “throwing like a girl”, but if I’ve learned one thing from this “journey” it’s that just growing my hair long and smearing some Mary Kay foundation over my 5 o’clock shadow doesn’t make me a woman.

16. Learn how to walk in heels – I won the Olympic decathlon, for crying out loud!  How hard can a nice pair of pumps be?!

The white socks with blue stripes give these shoes a snappy, patriotic look!!  FYI;  bunions and athlete’s foot is one hellish combination. (Image from english dot cntv dot cn)

17. Make America proud – Done!  That gold medal in ’76 certainly did the trick

18. Make America throw up in its mouth a little – Working on it every day.  I can do this, I know I can!

19. Take advantage of these incredible cheekbones! – This rouge is tricky stuff.  If I don’t get the hang of it, I’m going to end up looking like Leona Helmsley

Leona’s rare Wheaties box cover. (E-Collage by yours truly)

20. Start peeing sitting down – This one should be easy, after teetering around in those heels, I’ll take any chance I can get to get off my feet!