I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of reading reviews of the latest supercar from Maserati and how it compares to the Lamborghini. Even if I won the lottery I doubt I’d drive one of those cars. With this in mind, I’ve taken it upon myself to review a few other rides. These models are readily accessible to almost anyone, and can be experienced, if briefly, for just a few coins.
The ride quality on this one really suffers in a side by side comparison to the original. The polycarbonate body is no match for the standard giant log construction. In addition, the lack of foot contact with the pavement results in both a significant decrease in both road feel and braking. Aesthetically, the absence of an animal skin canopy on this model truly detracts from the classic-yet-primitive lines of the original. The missing roof is all the more apparent should the driver become a victim of pterodactyl droppings.
This one harkens back to a simpler time, life moved at a slower pace, and racism was fun. Today’s edition displays a Hitler-youth version of the traditionally Mexican donkey, complete with blond hair, a Dr. Seuss-inspired hat, and what appears to be a serious skin condition covering his hide. The ride was nearly as disappointing as the altered appearance. The anticipated rhythmic rocking in the saddle on the back of a jack-ass has been replaced with a rather jerky anterior-posterior motion not unlike the mechanical bull at Gilley’s Saloon in Vegas. The tinny mariachi music emanating from the grinning maw of the adjacent cactus offers little to enhance the experience, though it does reflect the original South-Of-The-Border charm which the ride had prior to its P.C. make-over.
Mr. Potato Head Buggy
This is an updated version of a vehicle which was a short-lived, commercial flop. Historians feel the problem may have stemmed from using the words “potato” and “bug” in the name. Sadly, this version does not offer the driver the option of changing out the facial features of the Potato Head seat-back or front-grill, which was honestly the only thing to differentiate this dud of a spud from the Rocket To Mars out in front of the Shop-N-Save.
This is a miniature version of the classic Harley favored by outlaw bikers (and investment bankers going through mid-life crises). Though a rumbling soundtrack accompanies the swaying ride, the lack of wind in the hair, bugs in the teeth or frightened glances from neighboring minivan passengers detract from the overall experience. The nearby bench does provide adequate seating for your old lady (or Mommy), as the fine print points out that “this hog don’t come with no bitch pad“.
S-Street: P is for Poultry, and also for Propulsion
America’s pioneering children’s television series has clearly sold out. Baby Kermit’s eyes reflect a fondness for Phish concerts and if I’m not mistaken, he’s making the hand signal for the “sinsemilla sidecar” wherein new passengers can expect the entire vehicle to be in the smoking section. If you doubt this premise, then explain how a typically flightless Blue Hen can be converted into a rocket. I won’t even get into reviewing Snuffie’s Colombian-Themed Party Bus.