From The Driver’s Seat – Shopping Center Edition

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of reading reviews of the latest supercar from Maserati and how it compares to the Lamborghini.  Even if I won the lottery I doubt I’d drive one of those cars.  With this in mind, I’ve taken it upon myself to review a few other rides.  These models are readily accessible to almost anyone, and can be experienced, if briefly, for just a few coins.

This is a sad approximation of one of the true classics.  Notice the faux stone disk wheels instead of the original limestone cylinders. (Photo by the author)

This is a sad approximation of one of the true classics. Notice the faux stone disk wheels instead of the stock limestone cylinders. To add insult to injury, all of the interior wood grain has been replaced with plastic trim. (Photo by the author)

 Flintstone Mobile

The ride quality on this one really suffers in a side by side comparison to the original. The polycarbonate body is no match for the standard giant log construction. In addition, the lack of foot contact with the pavement results in both a significant decrease in both road feel and braking.  Aesthetically, the absence of an animal skin canopy on this model truly detracts from the classic-yet-primitive lines of the original.  The missing roof is all the more apparent should the driver become a victim of  pterodactyl droppings.

This donkey looks a little shady, we might have to check that barrel for a hidden panel.  Why the hell is that cactus so happy? (Photo by the author)

This donkey looks a little shady, we might have to check that barrel for a hidden panel. Also, why the hell is that cactus so happy? (Photo by the author)

Tijuana Taxi

This one harkens back to a simpler time, life moved at a slower pace, and racism was fun.  Today’s edition displays a Hitler-youth version of the traditionally Mexican donkey, complete with blond hair, a Dr. Seuss-inspired hat, and what appears to be a serious skin condition covering his hide.  The ride was nearly as disappointing as the altered appearance.  The anticipated rhythmic rocking in the saddle on the back of a jack-ass has been replaced with a rather jerky anterior-posterior motion not unlike the mechanical bull at Gilley’s Saloon in Vegas.  The tinny mariachi music emanating from the grinning maw of the adjacent cactus offers little to enhance the experience, though it does reflect the original South-Of-The-Border charm which the ride had prior to its P.C. make-over.

Look at the face on that Mr. P wouldja?  He looks like Kim Kardashian is about to squeeze her big caboose right into that tiny seat.  Geez, that tater has a thing for tushies.  (Photo by the author)

Look at the face on that Mr. P wouldja? He looks like Kim Kardashian is about to squeeze her big caboose right into that tiny seat. That over-sized Tater Tot sure has a thing for celebrity dumpers. (Photo by the author)

Mr. Potato Head Buggy

This is an updated version of a vehicle which was a short-lived, commercial flop.  Historians feel the problem may have stemmed from using the words “potato” and “bug” in the name.  Sadly, this version does not offer the driver the option of changing out the facial features of the Potato Head seat-back or front-grill, which was honestly the only thing to differentiate this dud of a spud from the Rocket To Mars out in front of the Shop-N-Save.

The ride'll run you 75 cents.  Fro thart kind of scratch, they should supply the user with a cute little chain to to attach their cute little wallets to their cute little belts.  (Photo by the author)

The ride’ll run you 75 cents. For that kind of scratch, they should supply the user with a cute little chain to attach their cute little wallets to their cute little belts. (Photo by the author)

Lil’ Harley

This is a miniature version of the classic Harley favored by outlaw bikers (and investment bankers going through mid-life crises).  Though a rumbling soundtrack accompanies the swaying ride, the lack of wind in the hair, bugs in the teeth or frightened glances from neighboring minivan passengers detract from the overall experience.  The nearby bench does provide adequate seating for your old lady (or Mommy), as the fine print points out that “this hog don’t come with no bitch pad“.

Vehicle design notwithstanding, Baby Kermit exhibits an undeniable lack of any resemblance to Miss Piggy. The one in the back seat is just plain creepy. (Photo by the author) resemblance to

Vehicle design notwithstanding, Baby Kermit exhibits an undeniable lack of any resemblance to Miss Piggy.  (Photo by the author)

S-Street: P is for Poultry, and also for Propulsion

America’s pioneering children’s television series has clearly sold out.  Baby Kermit’s eyes reflect a fondness for Phish concerts and if I’m not mistaken, he’s making the hand signal for the “sinsemilla sidecar” wherein new passengers can expect the entire vehicle to be in the smoking section.  If you doubt this premise, then explain how a typically flightless Blue Hen can be converted into a rocket.  I won’t even get into reviewing Snuffie’s Colombian-Themed Party Bus.

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