The Eyes Have It

In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need glasses to see clearly.  In a slightly less-than-perfect world, those of us who need glasses would discover that every pair we tried on made us look like the models in the posters plastered on the walls of the local eye glass boutique.  Any life-long wearer of glasses can look at those models and tell you that none of those pretty people even wears glasses, unless they’re paid to do so.

Now that I have the attention of the women and gay men in my reading audience, allow me to assure you I don't look like this young stud, with or without glasses.  If you actually think a guy as perfect as this doesn't have 20/20 vision, you're delusional enough to go eye glass shopping with me.  (Image from fanpop dot com)
Now that I have the attention of the women and gay men in my reading audience, allow me to assure you I don’t look like this young stud, with or without glasses. If you actually think a guy as perfect as this doesn’t have 20/20 vision, you’re delusional enough to go eye glass shopping with me. (Image from fanpop dot com)

As much as I’d like to see some ruggedly handsome transformation of my face once I try a pair of frames on, I am usually greeted with one of the following versions of myself instead.

A young Roger Ebert with Russ Meyer.  This serves as an example of why I also avoid sweater vests.  On a personal note, I was always more of a Siskel man myself.  (Image from wikimedia commons)
A young Roger Ebert with Russ Meyer. This serves as an example of why I also avoid sweater vests. On a personal note, I was always more of a Siskel man myself. (Image from wikimedia commons)

The Young Roger Ebert Look:  Make no mistake, Roger Ebert was a great film critic and displayed a rare brand of grace and courage when he fought thyroid cancer.  Be that as it may, when I try on a pair of larger glasses with solid frames, I bear something of a resemblance to a young Roger, which is not the look I’m typically going for.  I guess it could be worse and I could look like a male Sally Jesse Raphael.

This photo doesn't do Vandy proper justice, then again, I'm recalling his image from a dusty brain who last saw him 43 years ago on a Sears TV with aluminum foil on the antenna. (Image from sitcomsonline dot com)
This photo doesn’t do Vandy justice, then again, I’m recalling his image using the dusty brain of a man who last saw him 47 years ago on a black and white Sears TV with an aluminum foil antenna. (Image from sitcomsonline dot com)

The Vanderbilt From F-Troop Look:  Excuse me while I date myself with a reference to an obscure character on an old TV show.  Some of you senior citizens may recall Vanderbilt (or Vandy as Agarn would call him).  He was the fat, visually impaired soldier in F-Troop who could be seen chatting up horses he mistook for pretty ladies and falling down the well on at least three separate episodes.  This was back in the days before political correctness, when people could be made fun of for having poor vision, just like Mr. Magoo.  If I try on glasses with lenses which are too small for my face, I end up looking like Vandy.  Despite my not living in an area with too many horses or open wells, it’s not a look I’m comfortable with.

I'm not sure what this guy was charged with, but he is wearing an orange jumpsuit and was found on whatacreep dot com, so you can jump to your own conclusion.  I used to see him out curtting his lawn, he seemed like a nice enough guy...kept to himself, kinda quiet.  (Image from whatacreep dot com)
I’m not sure what this guy was charged with, but he is wearing what appears to be an orange jumpsuit and was found on whatacreep dot com, so you can jump to your own conclusion. I used to see him out cutting his lawn, he seemed like a nice enough guy…kept to himself, kinda quiet. (Image from whatacreep dot com)

The Creepy Convict From Down The Block Look:  If I try on any pair which doesn’t easily fit into the other categories, I may be surprised and a little scared to look in the mirror and see the guy from three blocks over who was just arrested for some sort of deviant activity.  We all know the type.  When neighbors are interviewed, they’re always shocked that he has been arrested for being a peeping tom, animal porn collector or Sarah Palin stalker.  Watching TV at home, we look at his mugshot and wonder how anyone could have imagined he wasn’t up to something nasty.

If someone stops and offers you a ride and he's wearing glasses like these, you should walk...or maybe run is better.  (Image of Jeffrey Dahmer from rapgenius dot com)
If someone stops and offers you a ride and he’s wearing glasses like these, you should walk away…or maybe run. (Image of Jeffrey Dahmer from rapgenius dot com)

The Serial Killer Look: When I try on a pair of snappy aviators, I hope to see a cool looking pilot or race-car driver looking back at me in the mirror.  Instead, I see a guy who has moved well beyond the “Creepy Convict” look listed above and into a whole different dimension of evil next door.  He knows where the bodies are buried, because he’s the one who buried them.  I don’t think even serial killers want to look like this.

For the record, I seldom wear an ascot, unless you count the self-portrait I recently used to in my post "It's All In The Wrist".  (Image from milliesmoviestowatch dot blogpsot dot com)
For the record, I seldom wear an ascot, unless you count the self-portrait I recently used to in my post “It’s All In The Wrist“. (Image from milliesmoviestowatch dot blogpsot dot com)

The Mel Cooley Look: Now that my hair has left my head to migrate to other parts of my body, I no longer resemble a young Roger Ebert (or a young anyone for that matter).  To be perfectly honest, large frame glasses now make me resemble the actor Richard Deacon, who was best known for his role as Mel Cooley on the old Dick Van Dyke show.  There is one saving grace of resembling characters from really old TV shows, most of the young people I know have no idea who these characters were, so to them, I just look like an old, bald guy in glasses.  I suppose that’s a good thing.  I don’t necessarily like the look, but I need to see where the hell I’m going.

As much as I’d like to let you all believe that I’m some kind of creative genius who comes up with these thoughts out of thin air, I’m not.  The lovely and talented “She’s a Maineiac” wrote a post recently about her possibly needing new glasses, and it spurred me on to share the trials and tribulations with my own miserable experiences shopping for fashion eye wear.  If you don’t read her blog, you’re missing out.  Just don’t forget who sent you over there.

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It’s All In The Wrist

In most of the USA, it’s illegal to use a cell phone while driving, unless you use a hands-free device.  What’s baffling is that many people apparently believe that driving while holding their cell phone like a French bread pizza in front of their pie holes is somehow less dangerous than holding it up to their ears, and therefore should be considered less illegal.

I’m no cop, and I have no idea if the open-faced sandwich defense will hold water in court, but it makes me wonder if there are similar strategies for using style points to try to keep oneself out of jail for other offenses.

An exhaustive internet search revealed no one holding their cell phone this way.  I was going to hire a model, so to save money, I found one who'd work in exchange for the excitement of being featured on a real life blog.  Isn't he adorable?!  (Photo by the author, thanks Ryan)
You see officer, not actually having the phone up against my ear, I’m able to drive safer.  By holding the phone like a delicious piece of French bread pizza, I’m far better positioned to react to emergencies on the road.  Plus, you have to admit I look absolutely ridiculous, so in that regard, I’m bringing joy to my fellow drivers.” (Photo by the author, thanks Ryan)

Illegal Actvity: Talking on a cell phone while driving

Stylish Alternative: Talking on a cell phone while driving, but holding it like a little diving board for your tongue instead of like a phone.

Verdict: You’re still a tool.  $100 fine.

Macho standards require only holding ones own crotch with the free hand.  (Image from boards dot bengals dot com)
Macho standards require only holding ones own crotch with the free hand. (Image from boards dot bengals dot com)

Illegal Actvity: Hold the pistol vertically with your dominant hand, and brace it with your other hand to shoot at innocent people.

Stylish Alternative: Hold the pistol sideways with one hand while gesturing in a menacing manner with your free hand, possibly throwing gang signs and/or waving a giant foam “We’re Number One!” hand.

Verdict: It’s been proven in courts that the sideways grasp will not get you off the hook for guilt, despite the obvious style points.  Please Note – While alternative grips do not appear to hold sway in Florida courtrooms, the color of the hand doing the grasping may play a role.

Look at this butt-munch!  No style and no regard for the safety of jaywalkers.  (Image from walesonline dot co dot uk)
Look at this butt-munch! No style and no regard for the safety of jaywalkers. (Image from walesonline dot co dot uk)

Illegal Activity: Littering in a public place.

Stylish Alternative: Missing from 3-point land complete with play by play and crowd noises provided by the offender.

Alternative Stylish Alternative – Winter Olympics Tribute: Littering curling-technique where you shove your trash and have it slide across the ground while a friend or two scurry in front of it sweeping like crazy.

Verdict: You’re still a tool – go pick that shit up and throw it away!  Don’t make me come down offa this porch! $50 fine and community service.

Ay!  We gotta dissa statue, we doana mind dee paparazzi, less spilt dissa phona boot, heh?  (Image from theredlist dot com)
Ay! We gotta dissa statue, we doana mind dee paparazzi, less split dissa phona boot, heh Blondie? (Image from theredlist dot com)

Illegal Activity: Yelling “Fire” in a crowded theater.

Stylish Alternative: Yelling “Fuoco!”  in a theater showing a Fellini film festival.

Verdict: The butterfly in the park scene symbolizes the fleeting nature of youth and frailty of human relationships.  You’re still guilty, but with a deeper appreciation for the stark beauty of the inside of a jail cell.  30 days in the foro.

Why settle for amusing readers, when I can shatter stereotypes at the same time?  (Image from mybroadband dot co dot za)
Why settle for amusing readers, when I can shatter stereotypes at the same time? (Image from mybroadband dot co dot za)

Illegal Activity: Public Urination

Stylish Alternative: Going number one while striking a pose as a cherub in a historic city center fountain as your friends laugh nearby.

Verdict: Guilty, but possibly worth a minor bit of internet stardom.  It’s a shame about your photo bombing the background of that couple’s wedding portraits.  $150 fine, not allowed within 500 feet of a school for next 10 years.

For those of you from outside the Delaware Valley, this is a mummer.  Out of towners have been known to mistake them for fashion challenged homeless people (Image from myspace dot com)
For those of you from outside the Delaware Valley, this is a mummer. Out of towners have been known to mistake them for fashion challenged homeless people. (Image from myspace dot com)

Illegal Activity: Public Intoxication (See Public Urination Above)

Stylish Alternative: Attempting to distract arresting officers with avant garde poetry and interpretive dance performance.

Verdict: The pirouette attempt could be construed as malicious intent; Tased, $300 fine, time served.

Classic dick drawings never go out of style.   (Illustration by the author - no, I'm not proud)
Classic dick drawings never go out of style. (Illustration by the author – no, I’m not proud)

Illegal Activity: Smoking where prohibited.

Stylish Alternative: Wearing a smoking jacket, ascot, jaunty cap and using a cigarette holder.

Verdict: You’re still a dick (literally in the case of the recycled illustration)  $50 fine and increased chance of emphysema.