Top NSFW Searches – Valentine’s Edition

Nothing says Happy Valentine’s Day quite like some unsolicited smut.  Don’t ask me how I managed to get this into a heart shaped box, but now that you’ve opened it…

If you haven't read my "47 Shades of Pink" then you just don't love me.  Illustration by the author
If you haven’t read my “47 Shades of Pink” then you just don’t love me. This drawing has no relevance to the topic, but gives me a reason to “Shades of” “pink” and “Barnyard” in my tags and draw even more pervs. Illustration by the author

Over the days leading up to Valentine’s Day, the search topic which has sent the most people to my blog is “detailed penis drawing“.  Apparently drawing hearts isn’t how everyone decorates their cards.  Either that, or they’re hell bent on rendering Cupid just right.  I’m fairly confident that those faceless web surfers out there have been disappointed by having their search land them smack dab ( umm okay – bad choice of analogies) in the middle of my award-winning blog post* which featured an interview with politician/e- exhibitionist Anthony Weiner’s weiner.

Classic dick drawings never go out of style.   (Illustration by the author - no, I'm not proud)
Classic dick drawings never go out of style. (Illustration by the author – no, I’m not proud)

It’s funny if you think about it.  I mean, the internet has no shortage, so to speak, of pictures of naughty bits.  If you want to see what a schwantz, some knockers, a va-jay-jay, or a booty looks like, you’re in the right place.  There are many folks who would testify that even if you don’t wish to see any such anatomy, the internet will be more than happy to show you anyway.

Someone who is actively searching for detailed drawings of a ding-a-ling is probably not expecting to find one with a jaunty cap, cigarette holder and an ascot.  A quick creative aside, I had considered drawing Anthony’s pecker wearing a “dickey” instead of an ascot, but as it happens dickey is funny to say but not all that amusing to look at.  Besides, an ascot gives an air haughty sophistication, and goes incredibly well with a tufted smoking jacket.

I’m not particularly choosey about who reads my blog, in fact, I don’t even care if readers speak English.  I get the occasional notifications of new followers and I’m happy to have each and every one of them.  That being said, I’d like to take a moment to welcome the latest ones, including pp-looker, durtydurtydude, mindifistare?, holdstillwhileIgetmysktechpadandcharcoal, and of course package-chekker34.

I’d write more, but I’ve got a card to make for my wife.

*In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m pretty sure that post didn’t win any awards, which was unfortunate, because I had one hell of an acceptance speech written.  I also had a snazzy smoking jacket picked out to wear the the ceremony!

Valentine’s Gift Ideas For The Terminally Cheap

It's that time of year again, gentlemen.  You'd better get going on the gifts, or that plaque in the cononal arteries is going to be the least of your problems.  (Image from wikipedia dot org)
It’s that time of year again, gentlemen. You’d better get going on the gifts, or that plaque in the coronary arteries is going to be the least of your problems. (Image from wikipedia dot org)

As I sit down to write this, it’s already the 9th of February.  There are only 5 days left before we dudes need to bestow gifts upon our sweethearts (4 days if you want to watch the Olympic mixed-doubles curling quarter-finals tomorrow).  Sadly, it’s also the time of year when we guys must face certain financial realities, such as:

A) The credit card bills are in and once again we’ve over-spent for Christmas/Chanukah/Pagan Winter-Solstice Goat Roast.

B) We are not getting near the tax return we had anticipated this year, largely due to our not having really made any money in the first place.

C) Our sure-thing Super Bowl bet taking the “over” on how many times Peyton Manning would call “Omaha” didn’t work out so well.

Fear not, loyal readers – Romeo One Point is here to give you lots of ideas for inexpensive gift options.  These gems will have your special lady feeling like a million bucks, without your having to lift any cash from her secret sock-drawer stash to subsidize them.

Be careful using the quill and ink mister, or you'll get ink all over your lacy sleeve!(Image from lazytechguys dot com)
Be careful using the quill mister, or you’ll get ink all over your fancy lace sleeve!  (Image from lazytechguys dot com)

Poems : The ladies love poetry.  The good news is that hard-core literary types assure me they don’t even have to rhyme.  Romeo One Point Helpful Hint – Avoid poems with references to Nantucket, Dallas or Dundee, even if you and your special lady have some special connection to these locales.

You could download something online, but I prefer a more personal touch that only an assorted box of crayons can bring.(Image from homemadegiftguru dot com)
You could download something like this online, but I prefer the more personal touch that only an assorted box of crayons can bring.  (Image from homemadegiftguru dot com)

Gift Card for Sensual Massage: – These are great!  Put it on a piece of card-stock and try to make the printing legible.  Romeo One Point Helpful Hint – Avoid using expiration dates – there’s a good chance she’ll lose the card or write a grocery list on the back of it before she’ll ever redeem it.  Bonus Hint – Avoid the phrase “Nudity Required” – It sends the wrong message.

Just flip it over to the blank side, and let your creative freak flag fly! (Image from Etsy dot com)
Just flip it over to the blank side, and let that creative freak flag fly! (Image from Etsy dot com)

Homemade Cards: These worked great back in grade school.  If you don’t have any lacy paper doilies laying around the house, a few coasters from the local diner will work great.  Fold them in half, then cut them in sort of a comma shape.  Unfold it and voila; a heart!  Now do the same thing a little bigger with a piece of red construction paper.  If you don’t have any red construction paper, try using the envelope from the last Netflix delivery.  Glue the small heart onto the red one, making sure to cover the Netflix logo.  For a special touch, use a crayon and worse spelling than usual to scribble your sentiments on it.

I'd advaise you to cover the entirew pretzel with chocolate otherwise she'll know they're those oat bran ones.  (Image from sallysbakingaddiction dot com)
I’d advise you to cover the entire pretzel with chocolate otherwise she’ll know that you used those oat bran ones. (Image from sallysbakingaddiction dot com)

Chocolate Covered Pretzels (without a trip to the grocery store):  Most of us have some chocolate laying around.  I myself uncovered several Hershey’s Kisses in the cushions of the sofa just yesterday and most of them still had the outer foil intact.  You’ll also need some pretzels.  Pretzels are a little harder to come by in most male domains, but there may be a bag of those nasty “healthy” ones in the back of the cabinet.  In an ironic twist, they were originally bought for you by none other than your valentine herself, back when she was trying to get you to go on that gluten-free diet.  Melt the chocolate in the microwave or a double boiler (whatever that is), then carefully dip each pretzel in until it’s covered.  Arrange them on a clean plate and serve with plenty of beverages.  Talk about your poetic justice!

As if it isn't enough to dedicate a blog to her, imagine how excited she'd be if the post got Freshly Pegged! (Image from the incredible Peg-O-Leg's Ramblings)
As if it isn’t enough to dedicate a blog to her, imagine how excited she’d be if the post got Freshly Pegged! (Image from the incredible Peg-O-Leg’s Ramblings)

Dedicating A Blog Post:  This one is a slam dunk.  Proclaiming your true loving feelings by dedicating a blog post is the modern equivalent to shouting it from the mountaintops, without all that difficult climbing.  Romeo One Point Helpful Hint – If your blog posts are usually about video game strategies or debating the validity of whether a real pizza can have pineapple on it, you might want to consider a different topic for this one post.  Your readers will understand, they’ll probably wish they had thought to write a cool blog post and dedicate it to their special someone (assuming they’re not a bunch of single losers who live in their parents’ basements and don’t have special someones).

Anonymous Salutation in the Rants and Raves Section of Craigslist: Let’s face it, not all guys are good enough writers to write their own written blogs writing, like I can write!  No problem, fellas – Just go to Craigslist and tell the local region how great your lady is!  Romeo One Point Helpful Hint – Be sure NOT to put your special gal’s name or picture in the post.  I know you’re crazy about her and want to tell the world, but trust me on this one.  Besides, by keeping it anonymous you can always take credit for a better salutation if the opportunity arises.

I hope I’ve given you guys some great ideas.  I’ve got a bunch more, but I’m running out of time in the gift-creation department myself.  After a pretty thorough scavenger hunt, I’ve come to the conclusion that there isn’t a single pretzel left in this damn house – I’ve looked everywhere.

I dedicate this blog post to my lovely, long suffering special lady.  Without her unconditional love, support and guidance, I’d be lost in this world.  Happy Valentine’s Day, Baby!  You’re the greatest! (The homemade gift card is in the mail – No nudity required).